I Have A Voice

When my wife and I are driving in the car she teases me about how I sing, or don’t sing, along with the radio. She tells me to belt it out and sing with meaning. Here’s the thing, I don’t even sing loud in the car when I’m alone. I am a mouther of music…that’s my belting. But I feel music deeply. I get lost in the music…listening to the words, being filled by the meaning I find in the message, and immersed in emotions that the meaning brings alive in me. It’s a very full and satisfying experience for me…one I love repeating over and over again with the same songs by my favorite artists…Brandi Carlile and P!nk…much to my wife’s dismay. Is it actually possible to get tired of listening to Brandi Carlile and P!nk? Not in my experience.

Several years ago, when I was in the Masters program at Naropa University, in Boulder, I had to take a “Presence” class. I joked later with my classmates that if I had known about this class I probably would not have entered the program…that’s how much it scared me. The class was about being fully present in your body… embodying yourself completely in each moment. So many stories to tell from this class, one of the exercises we did was to sing the alphabet. My classmates and I, standing in a circle, each took a turn with a letter. I was terrified. I’m a little surprised I didn’t pass out. I don’t like to sing in front of other people…although, on occasion, I have been know to do family karaoke…twice I think…and only because we definitely have worse singers than me…no offense intended to those who know who they are. It was such a simple task…sing an M, or whatever letter it was. I did it, but it wasn’t loud and it was more speaking than singing. None of my classmates had an issue with the task and they all seemed to have beautiful voices. I was a, one and done, let’s not ever do that again kind of gal. Fortunately, we only did it once…or I blocked the trauma of a second time.

I have analyzed this ad nauseam, as only I can do, and wondered if it’s possible that I don’t think I should make noise or have a voice. I listen to my favorite singers and they belt out the full power of their voices without a problem. They are comfortable with and in their voices. They claim their voices and are fully present in them.

I have a blog and use my voice in the words I write and the messages I send out into the world. I host a podcast and, although I don’t really like the sound of my voice, I use it to convey a message. I have been told that my voice is very soothing and comforting. Many years ago, when I was training to be a volunteer rape crisis counselor, during role playing (also hate that), people told me that I was the one they’d want to talk to in a crisis because of the sound of my voice…specifically the softness and gentleness.

I have worried that I was not embodying my voice for a long time. Worried that I was afraid to make noise. That I was silencing myself. Then I realized that how I embody and use my voice does not need to be how anyone else uses theirs. I don’t have to make myself conform to some image I’ve created in my mind of the correct way to fully be present in my voice. My full presence is there in the embodiment of my voice…my way.

I have something to say.  I have a lot to say…offerings to make our lives more fulfilling, more loving, and our relationships long lasting…to make the world a better place…at least that’s my plan. I have been a teacher and speaker and I even considered becoming a minister many years ago…probably at least in part because I was told I wasn’t allowed to…I can be a tad defiant. You get the idea. Perhaps it’s a defiance born of knowing that I have something to say…that I have to fully be present in my voice to teach (or preach) my message….the message I believe has been given to me.

Let’s be real…lots of people talk but not everyone has something to say. Just because someone screams words at me doesn’t mean they are worth listening to. We have voices bombarding us from every direction and we have to decide, for ourselves, who has the message we want to hear…what to tune in and what to tune out. Maybe I’m learning that I don’t have to be the loudest voice or the most forceful voice…maybe just a calm and sane voice in an already crazy world.

I gave a talk once with laryngitis. It was weird because I wasn’t sick at all, I just woke up unable to talk. I literally spoke in a whisper and the room was silent. Maybe what’s more amazing is that the room was full of adolescents. Perhaps having a voice has nothing to do with volume…maybe it’s as simple as having something to say…something worth listening to. I remember that Helen Reddy song that went, “I am woman hear me roar…” For some of us it’s, I am woman hear me whisper.

What I had assumed for so long was not having a voice, was really just speaking differently. With my unique voice. My voice doesn’t have to be like yours. My passion and emotion don’t have to boom at a 10…sometimes a 2 is all that’s necessary. 

Let’s be real…we each have our own voice. We need to find it and develop it. I have my own presence…my own voice…my own way. You do too. I had an work friend once say to me, “I tell people, Karen Raines doesn’t say much so when she talks you better listen.” Man I hope that’s true, now and always. Let’s use our voices this week to speak words of love, encouragement, and kindness to those we care about…maybe even those that irritate the shit out of us. Embody love and voice it…because ultimately love will win.