Anyone

In October I went to the Mayo Clinic for thetop expert opinion about my elbow and why it continues to hurt so much. I went at the recommendation of my PT and another orthopedic surgeon. I was nervous and torn between wanting to go and get help and being terrified of what they might say. The short version here is that there’s nothing to do. The words hit me like a punch in the gut. After the appointment I couldn’t talk about it and I didn’t want to. I was going to talk about it on a podcast but I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk without sobbing…that’s more vulnerable than I wanted to be. So I thought I’d write about it but no words came. I just felt broken. Finally the words of this poem came to me and I am finally ready to share what my Mayo Clinic visit was for me…how it impacted me…how I felt…how I feel. Although it may seem like a criticism of the doctor I met with it really isn’t meant to be. He was just giving his expert opinion…an opinion I asked for…although I hate when a doctor says, ”If you were my mom…” Seriously,. You are not young enough and i am definitely not old enough…just needed to clear that up. I call this poem “Anyone.”

Can you see me? 

Can anyone really see anyone?

Not the “should” of me

Not the “ought” of me

Just me

The scared, vulnerable 

Emotionally raw

Hurts to be touched

Skin feels painfully new…me

To be loved we have to be known

And to be known we have to be seen

Can I bear being known?

Being seen…exposed at all the most raw places

You enter quietly

Your smile is warm

Your eyes soft and kind

But you don’t see me

You look past me

Perhaps gazing at what comes next on your schedule

As the door closes I feel trapped

Trapped by inertia 

You causally deliver the news

There is nothing to be done

Any questions?

Just one…what the fuck!?

You don’t see me

Not really

You don’t see that you just broke my heart

Or the tears I struggle to contain

You don’t see the impact your words have

The distance traveled

My last hope packed with my suitcase

For 10 minutes of your time

Tests not even reviewed 

Why not save me the long trip

And the broken heart?

You deliver the same news

Multiple times a day…nothing can be done

This is routine for you

You’ve heard it all

Seen it all

Matter of fact

Next….please

This is nothing to you

Another day at the office

But for me

This is everything 

A last hope

A frantic prayer

A desperate plea

You don’t see me…

You just broke my heart

And you don’t even know

Do you see anything beyond

My “complex history”

Me….

The person behind the narrative and tests

Because I am here

I feel insignificant 

Dismissed

Is it too complex or irrelevant…to everyone but me

I want to feel good

You just assured me I won’t…

It’s not going to happen

Can anyone help me?

Can anyone see me?

Does anyone care?

You say I’ll get used to it

I’ll manage…really?

For all practical purposes 

I’ve lost my arm

Is that understood?

Why can’t anyone see me?

Is there anyone?

Please I need help…someone

Anyone

The shock has worn off

And my emotions want to breathe

To feel it all…let it surface

Probably erupt 

Even though I don’t like to feel it all

I want it all numb

My body

My mind

My spirit

Mostly my spirit…because it’s crushed

If I don’t feel anything

I’ll miss everything…pain…and joy

Everything 

I still struggle

Still not an obvious choice

But I dip my toe in and try…I feel 

Stuck

Stranded

Alone

Trapped

No one to rescue me

To fix this…fix me

Anyone?

Send me someone

Anyone

Anyone at all?

Nope…no one