Broken

I am broken. We’re in the middle of a pandemic that has claimed more than 100,000 American lives…100,000 and climbing…that’s unimaginable and soul crushing. My daughter had the virus. She was lethargic one day and very sick with pneumonia the next. She is better. I am so incredibly grateful and so incredibly sad for those who have lost their lives. I am horrified at the number of people who have died and even more horrified that the pandemic is killing black and brown people disproportionally. I am broken by grief. Broken trying to make sense of this pandemic and wondering where we go from here. I miss hugging my grandchildren. I am broken hearted that their lives will now be divided between “before the pandemic” and “after the pandemic.”

I am broken. Broken by the death of George Floyd. Broken by the video of a police officer kneeling on George Floyd’s neck while he pleads for his life. Horrified that three other officers did nothing to stop the abuse…two of them participated by kneeling on George Floyd’s back and the forth attempted to block the view of cellphones recording the murder. And that’s what it was, a murder…not an accident, an unfortunate incident, or any other rationalization…and it was NOT his fault. This was police brutality for all to witness. This was a cold-blooded murder with three accomplices. And most horrifically it was not the first time. If you are black or brown in America it is not safe for you to walk down the street, go jogging, be asleep in your own home, sit in your car, exercise your right to peacefully protest or be arrested peacefully for a non-violent crime…Eric Garner, Micheal Brown, Freddie Gray, Alton Sterling, Delrawn Small, Tatiana Jefferson, Eric Reason, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and so many others…when does it end?

I am broken. Broken by a President who calls peaceful protesters “thugs” because of the color of their skin and threatens violence against them. A President who had protesters tear gassed so that he could walk with his white, male cohort, to a church he never attends, for a photo op. He held up a bible, as if it was a weapon…or as if it suggested…I don’t know what…God is on his side?…God approves of his thoughtless actions?…that’s not a God I want anything to do with. He scowled as his picture was snapped and then retreated back to the White House…the PEOPLE’S house…ironic isn’t it?…in a sickening way. He doesn’t comfort, offer compassion, show outrage, call for changes, encourage healing…he threatens to bring the US military into the streets against the people of the United States.

I am broken by my sadness for my bi-racial grandchildren, perhaps especially my 13 year old grandson, who seems the most vulnerable right now. He listens as his mom tells him he is never to argue with a police officer. He needs to do what they say even if he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s to be quiet, keep his hands in plain view, and cooperate. No thirteen year old should need that lecture…and yet he does. I am afraid for him. When he was eight or nine someone called the police and said a “kid” had a gun. The police came and fortunately they didn’t arrive prepared for an armed confrontation because he had a toy gun…AN ORANGE TOY GUN! He could have been killed because he had a toy gun…and he’s black…just ask the family of Tamir Rice.

And it’s easy to want to move quickly past all of this. All of our discomfort, fear, and uncertainty…but now is the time to stay. We need to stay in this moment…stay and be silent…stay and reflect. Reflect on the racism that undergirds our country and influences everything. Reflect on how people are treated differently in this country based on the color of their skin. How being black or brown influences your experiences, opportunities, or your reality of living in this country. We must be silent…don’t try and speak an easy fix for a society where there isn’t one. Be silent…and listen…deeply. Allow the black and brown people of this country to lead, educate, and steer the conversation. Let’s learn…finally…please…finally.

So here’s the thing…I am broken. We are broken. We cannot just shrug our shoulders, avert our eyes, and move blindly on. We need to stop…stop ourselves…stop our country…stop the world. Stop in this moment recognizing the only way forward…the only way to heal…the only way to fundamentally change, is to stay…even though it’s uncomfortable…stay right here…for a long as we need to…let’s stay.