Tag: president

Don’t Assume Because…Well, You Know

~ Kai Raines ~ Leave a comment

So, here’s the thing about going to therapy and trying to work through the crapola of your life…you find out shit that’s hard to swallow. I’m a bigot…maybe not exactly a bigot, which Merriam- Webster defines as, “An irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics; an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge, a preconceived judgment or opinion.” Currently, I’m not sure my attitudes are irrational or that my opinions are formed without sufficient knowledge…but then that’s my own perspective.

I see myself as an open minded and accepting person, but that’s not all of me. I make assumptions about people based on my assessment of them, especially politically. I look at you and draw conclusions based on what you look like, where you live, what you do for a living, and what I think about all that…what it means to me. These decisions lately seem to be political…political assumptions. I do have an abundance of preconceived judgments and opinions.  And in case you’re wondering, I am always positive that I am correct. I take my assumptions to be fact…I’m not so proud of that. The political climate in this country is scary right now, and there is no shortage of actions to make assumptions about…it’s been a busy three weeks for the president…horrifying might be a better word for the chaos that has ensued. 

When I write a blog, in the back of my mind, I wonder how it will be received. And I make assumptions. Assumptions about who you are by how you react or respond…or how you don’t. When I write about being gay or about LGBTQ+ equality I assume that if you’re a republican you won’t like it. You won’t read it. Or if you do read it, your response will be hateful and mean, cruel even. I wrote about assigning genders and suggested the use of the pronouns they/them for everyone…so that no one is misgendered. It was not well received…forget “well” received…it wasn’t received at all. Almost no one read it…or they didn’t admit it if they did. With my keen insight I concluded that people didn’t like it because they’re republicans or more specifically Trump republicans. I used the wealth of information at my disposal, which was none, to come to this logical conclusion…I thought it was logical…to me it was logical. I think that qualifies as bigotry.

Sometimes people surprise you and what you’ve assumed is not true. And it’s possible I didn’t really have anything to base my opinion on except my own biases. I assumed that because you did “this,” it automatically meant that you thought “that.” If you voted for Trump then you would agree with him that there are two genders, no matter what anyone tells you about their personal experience or what the medical community is saying. I’d go even further to conclude that you hate LGBTQ+ people because you believe it’s a sin to love someone of the same sex. And maybe you have forgotten that our country was founded on religious liberty. Escaping the Church of England so you could believe or not believe as you see fit. I might determine that you have no heart because you don’t believe in the aid programs that help people survive in this country and in countries around the world. Who takes away aide knowing that children will starve? I consider that inhuman. Not caring about the basic needs of human beings, especially children. That’s a hard one to justify, especially when it’s less than 1% of the national budget. 

We all know that making assumptions isn’t a good idea…because when you assume you make an ass out of u and me…remember that little ditty? When we assume what we do is stop receiving and absorbing new information. I think X, and you look like X and talk like X so you are X, even though you tell me you’re Z. But I think I know better. That’s some arrogance there…thinking I know you better than you know yourself. Of course there are exceptions to everything. When we remain locked into our assumptions we stop learning. We think we know everything, when we may in fact know nothing.

The other night I was watching tv with my wife and I got up to use the bathroom and get some water. When I was in the kitchen my wife asked what I was doing. I told her “Getting water” and she said, “I thought you were going to the bathroom.” I replied that I already went, and she said, “No you didn’t.” I told her, “You can disagree with me on almost anything, but not whether I went to the bathroom.” I know my bodily functions better than you do. In this country people argue about gay and trans folks…is it ok to be gay? What about being trans? They don’t understand it. They don’t get being gay or trans or bi. And my immediate, compassionate response is, who the fuck cares! It’s not about you. Other people are the experts on themselves. They don’t need outside critiques from the strangers…or even from people who know them. Life is hard enough on its own without us pitting ourselves against each other. What good will come of that?

People who are not gay or trans like to inform us that being trans isn’t real and neither is being gay. I had a therapist tell me that I was not a lesbian I was just looking for my mother’s love. Now I can promise you that what I want and need with a woman is not what I wanted or needed from my mom. I’m not confused. I’m gay. Trans people aren’t confused. They are clear on their identity. We know who we are. And in case you’re thinking “we just have to agree to disagree,” nope. You can disagree with me about my political views, my spiritual views, my belief that bulldogs are the best dogs, or the Dallas Cowboys. You do not get to disagree with who I am. There’s no agree to disagree on that. You do not get a vote, or an opinion, about my identity. 

Hate is ruling our country right now. No one is even trying to hide the hostility in their use of words and actions. Martin Luther King, Jr. said that he chose to love because hate was too great of a burden. We underestimate the burden of hate…the power of that word. Words have meaning. Words have power. Those are prophetic words for us now in this moment. And we should all be reacting as if our hair is on fire…because it is! Our nation is being systematically destroyed. It’s time to speak up before the world ends…at least the world as we know it.

I have grave concerns about our country right now. Our world as we know it seems to be ending and it’s terrifying. Unfortunately, our country is set to repeat all the atrocities of the past. And yet I know that hate is not the answer. It might be an easy answer…us against them…but it’s not the best answer. It never will be.

We are all encountering the burden of hate and we have decisions to make. Decisions about who we want to be as individuals and as a nation. Do we want to be consumed by hate or do we want to fight for a higher principle? A higher morality than hate? Are we willing to let go of the burden of hate and choose love? I am not talking about sentimental warm fuzzy feelings. I am speaking about a love that demands action. Love that demands we release the burden of hate. A love that demands that we find a path forward that includes everyone…not just billionaires and their white supremacist cohort.  

All these folks running the government now claim to be Christians…just one of the many reasons why I am not one. They claim to love the bible so let’s try this, “Do justice, love mercy, walk humbly.” Can we try that? There isn’t much to add to that except, love generously and fiercely. And don’t stop trying to find me here, or trying to find each other, even with all the chaos. Now is not the time to give up on love. Live each day so that you can say, I did not give up on love today. I won’t give up on love today, even when it’s tempting. Don’t you give up either. 

And always remember that in the end all that matter is how we love people. Love will win. It always does.

Three Things

~ Kai Raines ~ Leave a comment

Now here it is, already 2025…20 days in and I am still not ready. The year went so fast and so many things did not go how I planned…I hate it when that happens…and so I have been dragging my ass into 2025, a little bit kicking and screaming. My resistance reminds me of a quote I read, from someone, that said, “I never let go of anything that didn’t have claw marks on it.” That is an exact description of me…written by someone who does not even know me. If you read my blogs, you are nodding your head right now because you know. You know it’s true. If you don’t follow me, see what you’re missing? Also, it’s time to start…Now! Please.

One of the things that did not turn out the way I planned was the presidential election. I was ready for a President Harris. I feel like I am living in backwards world, where being a dishonest, arrogant, hateful, convicted felon paves the way for you to become President and being an honest, compassionate, and intelligent woman gets you nowhere. So, as the inauguration is taking place, I am reminded of 3 things I did immediately after the results of the election:

I joined the ACLU and signed up to volunteer.

I bought all my grandchildren, (ages 11 to 20) a copy of the US Constitution and told them to read it. I instructed them to learn what their rights are because they may not have them much longer.

Finally, I told my son and his fiancé to get married now. They want to have a big, beautiful wedding and that is a celebration I am eager to be a part of. Planning that takes time…and I’m not sure how much time there is after January 20th. I suggested they get the marriage license now and get legally married while they still can. The supporters of Project 2025, with the cooperation of the Supreme Court, aim to reverse marriage equality. To which I’ve been known to say, “Just try and get my marriage license from me.” I don’t think you can un-marry people or nullify marriages…not legally anyway. But that may not matter. Clarence Thomas has already said that marriage equality needs to be “revisited” by the high court. There is an Idaho case working its way to the Supreme Court right now that seeks to redefine marriage as between one man and one woman. That is happening as I write.

Of my many grandchildren, one said she would keep the constitution in her purse, and one sat down and started reading it…I don’t play favorites but come on, he sat down and started reading immediately. I am a proud grandmother.

Most importantly, my son and his now husband got legally married on December 29th! I am so happy for them and so relieved. I’m not sure if straight people can understand how important it is to be legally married. If getting married was a given for you, I guess you might take it for granted. But if you have been denied that right, it is huge…HUGE! To be recognized as a married person…no special rights, just equality. It is something I did not think I would see in my lifetime. To have your marriage vows honored for their importance in your life and in our society. Being a family…legally a family. That is important shit right there. That is a right I fought for and that is a right I will continue to fight for. Maybe the President will find out that someone in his life, that he loves, is gay and he will reconsider. Or maybe he will grow a heart…him, the Tin Man and the Grinch. Maybe he will learn some kindness and equity. Maybe he will grow to see beyond dollar signs and what benefits him and his cohort of billionaires. Maybe, maybe, maybe…unlikely, I fear.

So where am I going with all of this? I wish I knew. I am tired, frustrated, and terrified. The future seems more unknown than normal…and more out of control. So, what to do, besides meditate, pray, volunteer, give money, educate myself and others, and hope. It seems like conditions are ripe in this country for hate, violence, domination, and fascism to run rampant over the rights of the non-elite. Even President Biden warned of a growing oligarchy right here at home…just like other autocracies. Fuck.

We all know the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” In some ways this is killing me…killing all of us…our collective spirits for sure. What I have always believed about this country and the rights guaranteed to us in our constitution has been completely blow the fuck up. And although they, the new autocracy, may not see it now, this will destroy their supporters as well. I fear we are all headed over a cliff, many voluntarily, and most leaving claw marks as they try to resist…as I try to resist. This is a proper place for claw marks. You cannot destroy other people and be unaffected. You cannot create bigotry, fear, and hatred and remain undamaged…or untwisted. And there are some fucking twisted people running things now.

Although I do believe that difficult circumstances can make us stronger, I prefer to believe that what doesn’t kill us makes us kinder…or it can make us kinder. We must cooperate to become kinder…we have to learn from our circumstances and allow ourselves to seek kindness as a character trait. I must understand, we must understand, that what we do affects other people and the choices others make impact us too. We do not live or move or act in a bubble. Our actions have consequences. Our inaction has consequences as well.

I have been re-reading The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. In the book he discusses the term “domestication” which seems particularly relevant right now. From birth we are taught what to believe and how to act. We are rewarded for “good” behavior and punished for “bad.”  We learn to seek rewards and fear punishment. We learn our lessons and bury our own opinions or beliefs. We are afraid of the consequences of disagreeing or forging our own path. And so, tamed and trained we become compliant. Silent and compliant.

If ever there was ever a time in our history not to blindly follow, comply or agree, it is surely today. Today is the day to wake up. Wake up to the new form of domestication we are experiencing in subtle and not so subtle ways. The push to doubt what we see with our own eyes. To accept lies as the truth, “alternative facts” right? To hate anyone who is not like “us.” “Us” being white, wealthy, heterosexual, Christian, republican, and if you are male, all the better.

As I have said before I am trying to live “off the edge.” The edge being a chronic, low-level anxiety that seems to be my neutral…waiting for the next catastrophic or traumatizing event to occur. Today is not the day to lose my feel for the edge. For me, our nation is on the edge. The edge of what exactly I’m not sure…although it does not feel like anything good.

The best I have to offer myself or anyone else today is to take a deep breath. Breathe deeply and feel yourself grounded wherever you are. In this one moment, in that one breath, I am okay. For one breath you are okay. That is all we have, one breath at a time…for the next 4 years. We must wake up and remain awake even when other forces strengthen their attempts at domestication. No one gets to decide what I believe. They may have when I was younger but not now. I am who I am. I believe what I know to be true…what I see with my own eyes and what I hear with my own ears, what I investigate, study, and learn. Guided by my spirituality and the golden rule.

I cannot come off the edge today, or even in the near future, but I can remain attentive and aware of what is happening…in me, around me, and in the world. I can be aware and engaged. I can continue to breathe and be engaged…even when it’s hard…even when it sucks. That is all I have for now…breathe, stay grounded, stay engaged, and most importantly, allow this world to make me kinder…to make us kinder. Even when it seems impossible. Because in the end all that matters is how we love people. Choose love…every time. Love will win. It always does. And be kind…please. Now more than ever.

Still Broken

~ Kai Raines ~ Leave a comment

Well, it has been a week…not even a week yet. Fuck. My wife asked me how I was doing on Wednesday or Thursday, and I said I felt overwhelmed. She asked me why, as in specific reasons, not questioning my emotions. I said, “I don’t know…the end of our democracy.” And that silenced us both.

Since then, my fears have just multiplied. You may ask, “Why?” I will lay it out for you:

*Putin, seeing the election results, said that a “new world order is forming.”

*The plan for mass deportation of undocumented migrants in this country regardless of circumstances or the devastating impact on the economy.

*A federal judge striking down Biden’s program for undocumented spouses, as illegal. The program designed to keep families together.

*The undoing of the constitutional right to reproductive healthcare, including the right to an abortion.

*The blatant plan to reverse marriage equality.

*Texts sent to Black Americans telling them they have “been selected to pick cotton” at a nearby plantation. These texts went out to adults, as well as, college and high school students. And these texts were not just in Georgia, Alabama, Louisiana the states considered the deep south…were I guess people expect such racism, seriously? They were sent in New York, California, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan. And that is not the entire list. What is happening?

*The rise of fear, anger, and hate, and a growing attitude of us vs them. The use of those emotions as weapons to pit us against each other…even when what we are hearing is not true.

*The supreme court granting the president almost complete unchecked power. The branches of government designed to act as the checks and balances of presidential power no longer function that way.

*The President Elect already preparing pardons for the January 6Th rioters who attempted to overthrow our government and disrupt the peaceful transition of power. People died that day. 174 police officers were injured. One was killed.

*Elon Musk promised a cabinet position where he will cut the federal budget by 3 trillion dollars. And they have told us that people will suffer.

*RFK Jr. will oversee the Department of Health…and specifically women’s health. There is nothing that makes less sense than a man appointed to make the rules or guidelines for women’s health. He is an unapologetic anti-vaccination and conspiracy theorist…which could lead to the return of illnesses that previously were eradicated by vaccines.

*Referring to anyone who disagrees with the administration as the “enemy within” and the threat of using the armed forces against citizens of this country.

*And the last thing I am going to mention (and I could go on), the President Elect plans to destroy the Department of Justice and fire all career prosecutors, to remake the justice system in his image and use it against his enemies…that would be anyone who disagrees with him.

I feel like I am living in The Hunger Games…only this is no game. I love movies, but I do not want to live in them. They are fantasy and not real…except when the leader of our country wants to make it real. The elite having all the privilege, access, and opportunity and everyone else existing to meet their needs and keep them happy. And to entertain them…fooling themselves into thinking that the game you are entering is a privilege rather than an atrocity. But in the end, it took 3 books, Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire, prevails…but a lot of shit goes down before that can happen.

Back in 2020 I wrote a blog called, “Broken.” At the time I was feeling devastated because of Covid and the tremendous loss of life and the murder of George Floyd. I am sharing the link here (http://karenraines.com/2020/06/03/broken/) because I am still broken. We are broken. Our country is broken. It is easy now to feel like everything is out of our control and there is nothing we can do, but that is not true. This week I joined the ACLU and signed up to volunteer. It’s a small step but it’s a step. We all must make ourselves keep moving forward.

Here’s the thing, I always write about love. Love as a guiding principle in my life. The need for love in our treatment of other people. Seeing people who may not be the same as us through a lens of love. Love conquers hate. Love is bigger than any person’s bigotry. Love produces more love. When we act with love for ourselves, our communities, our country, our world, our actions become compassionate, filled with kindness, and a desire to connect, not separate. We come to care for one another and want the best for each other…regardless of the color of your skin, what pronouns you use, who you love, where you’re from, or what language you speak. We see and share our common humanity. In the end, what matters is how we love people. We have some serious work to do.

Love is powerful and healing. We need some healing…some big fucking healing. Is that going to happen right now? I hope so but I think we are in for a rough road ahead. While fear, anger, and hate are in the oval office love will appear to be losing…but it will not lose.

Love has been on my mind all week and I’ve been confused on how to proceed. I do not feel loving right now. I am scared and angry. So, I turned to some teachers to find comfort and direction. Buddha said, “In this world hate never yet dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible.” And St. Francis had a beautiful prayer that can help us move in a positive direction. “Make me an instrument of your peace, Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury pardon; Where there is doubt, faith….that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; To be understood, as to understand; To be loved as to love.”

Now there are some marching orders. But I am not marching right now. I am staggering. We are staggering. I still feel a deep sense of shock and loss. We need to feel all the feelings and not rush ourselves to get over it. Take time. Time to care for yourself and those around you. Think about ways to get involved and stay involved. Imagine a world where equality is the norm, and everyone has the same opportunities. Imagine no racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, elitism…all the isms and phobias eliminated. Picture that world. Create a picture in your mind or on a vision board. Look at in several times a day. Make it the first image of your morning and last image you see at night. Look at it and believe in the possibility…the possibility of real change. Let that image guide you to the next best step for you…for us. Remember, in the end all that matters is how we love people…especially when it’s hard. Love always wins. Let’s win together.