My kids used to tell me that when I died, they were going to divide my ashes and keep them on their mantles…forever…like in the movie “Meet the Parents” where the Fockers kept grandma’s ashes for years adorning their fireplace…until the cat used them as a litter box anyway. And I told them, no. It’s possible I threatened to haunt them if they did. I didn’t want them to hang on to my ashes…or to me. They needed to spread my ashes in the ocean and be done with it. Let go of them and me, I guess. I was adamant. Then my daughter died.

It’s a horrible day when you go and retrieve your daughter’s ashes. Not a day I’d wish on anyone. I picked them up at A Better Place. I selected their cremation services because of the name…because I wanted to believe it was true. It is equally horrible to arrange your daughter’s cremation. They put her remains in a black box, not the urn we bought. I was flying home with her ashes and needed to be able to pass through airport security. Only specific urns are TSA approved. I did some research and even though it should have been safe I was not taking any chances. Given my emotional state, I knew I’d end up permanently banned from flying if anyone tried to touch my daughter’s ashes.

I had never really thought about the amount of planning that goes into deciding what to do with someone’s remains. Before I flew home, my daughter, son, son-in-law, and I got together to divide Jessica’s ashes. My daughter, Amy, had two urns, a small one to keep and a larger one to scatter at a place that was special to her sister. My ex-husband also had a small urn to keep with him. My son, daughter, grandkids, and I all had necklaces to hold ashes that we could keep with us all the time. The rest of her remains would come home with me to Florida. My plan was to spread the ashes in New York, where my sister and nephews live. My parent’s ashes are there in a grove of trees in my nephew’s backyard. I thought Jessica would like to be with them. It was a plan the family agreed on. Then I got home.

Once I came home the reality of my daughter’s death hit me again…pummeled me is more like it. I realized that her ashes are all I have. They are the only physical remains of my daughter…and they are all I have left. And I cannot let them go. I won’t. Some people might think it’s morose or that seeing the urn everyday will make me sad, but I am already sad. Nothing needs to remind me of my daughter because I think about her all the time. I can look like I’m focused on something, but she is always on my mind.

I’ve been reading books about dealing with the death of your child. They have described the loss of a child as the ultimate or worst loss, and I would have to agree. The authors talked about finding the “final resting place” for your child. Those words had not occurred to me. They made it sound like Jessica’s spirit would not find peace until she was in this designated “final resting place.” I thought New York would be this mystical place. I had a small urn of ashes that I would keep, and I’d spread the rest with my parents. That was until the reality of parting with them sank in…actually letting them go or having her “rest” away from me. That’s not gonna work for me. And I don’t believe it would work for Jessica either. I think she’d be pleased that I can’t let them go…that I can’t let go of any more of her. I think sometimes she doubted how important she was to me. I think she knows now. So, the small urn…and its small…will go to New York and she will stay here…with me…on my bookcase. And I will be with her every day.

All of this pondering of my daughter’s ashes got me thinking, why wouldn’t her final resting place be with me…I’m her mom. Why would it not be with her dad, her sister, her brother, her niece and nephew. All the people she loved so deeply. Shouldn’t she be with her family? Shouldn’t she rest with us? Because no one loves her as much as we do. No one misses her as much as we do. No one feels her absence more than we do.

I have amended my instructions to my son and daughter. When I die, which I hope will be many, many years from now, they can do what they need to with my ashes. I understand now that those decisions will have everything to do with what they need and what will comfort them. Turns out I don’t need to dictate or control that decision. Just like now, I only want what’s best for them…in the end, that will be best for me too.

I know now, more than ever, that the only thing that matters is how we love people. That really is all we have. Jessica, we love you so much. Rest now embraced by your family. Rest knowing how important you were to each of us. You rest well my beautiful girl…I’ll be right here.