This morning I woke up in pain, actually I woke up because of pain. I hate waking up in pain and I wake up in pain every day. The degree of pain differs but not the fact of the pain. It makes me want to move and not move at the same time…because I’m not sure which one will help…maybe neither will. The amount of pain can’t be predicted. There’s the regular pain that getting up and moving might loosen up and help. Then there’s the wake me up pain from my elbow that goes from my shoulder to my fingers and from my back, that moves from my neck to my tailbone and shoots into my legs. It’s scary to start your day that way. Sometimes I just want to scream when I wake up.

I don’t always wake up because of pain but I do always have pain when I’m awake. Sometimes I wake up angry and sad. Pain is a hard way to start a day. Some days are better than others.There are definitely days I find myself wondering how I am going to manage this excruciating pain for the rest of my life. Now, I do tell myself to slow the fuck down and remember that I don’t have to live the rest of my life today. I just need to manage today…moment by moment…and sometimes that is hard enough. 

I found this shell on the beach one day. I fell in love with it because it’s broken but it’s beautiful. The break has healed, although the scar remains. It’s amazing really. The shell is still a shell, but it’s scarred. I am like that shell. We are all broken in one way or another. The world is hard, living is hard, and we all break, or get broken. I don’t think I’m the only person who feels this way. We all have things that feel bigger than us at work in our lives that we aren’t sure we can manage. Like the shell I found, we are all scarred physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually…maybe in multiple ways. And like the shell that broke, we heal. We have scars but we heal. The scars help us remember where we’ve been and how we got to where we are today. We are broken and beautiful.

Now before anyone freaks out, please hear me when I tell you I am NOT saying that I need to be fixed. I am NOT saying that you or anyone else needs to be fixed. Being broken is part of being a human being on this planet. There’s a million ways to be broken…chronic pain, physical illness, mental illness, divorce, death, loss, a destructive relationship, a dying relationship, problems with children, health problems or mental health problems of someone you love or care for, aging parents, end of life issues, just being alive issues…the list goes on forever because we are individuals with unique challenges in our lives. Even if the challenges look similar, we are unique people who handle circumstances, and brokenness differently.

I love the musical, “Dear Evan Hansen.” It deals with the suicide of a high school student, the attempt by another student, mental health issues, depression, grief, loneliness, isolation, belonging…it’s got it all, because it’s fucking high school…and high school has it all. At one point in the movie, Evan Hanson’s mom talks to him about when his dad left them and how overwhelmed she felt. She says, well, she sings, it is a musical, “and the house felt so big, and I felt so small….” I feel that way with pain sometimes. The pain feels so big, and I feel so small…but it isn’t just physical pain, it’s the pain of human existence…when it all feels so big, and I feel so small…what’s a human being to do?

When I share my brokenness with you I’m allowing you into my core… the scariest, most sad, hopeless, vulnerable places inside of me…the places where I am me, really me, unfiltered. Exposing my most delicate places, is not an easy position to be in or tolerate for very long. We are broken and beautiful…I am broken and beautiful. When we can share ourselves honestly, the brokenness isn’t so scary…because I am not there alone. Our brokenness makes us human; it makes us real. I think we are perfect in our brokenness…our scarred selves. We are more perfect when we can share our brokenness with someone else. We have he potential to ease each other’s pain. Hippocrates said, “Divine is the task to ease pain.” Maybe we become more divine when we help someone by talking about our vulnerable, broken, scarred places. You see, I’m real, just like you…and the velveteen rabbit.

Kelly Clarkson wrote a song called “Broken and Beautiful.” I’m guessing she wrote it following her divorce. Anyway, in the song it says, 

“I never held my hand out and asked for something free

I got pride I could roll out for miles in front of me

I don’t need your help, and I don’t need sympathy

I don’t need you to lower the bar for me.

I know I’m Superwoman, I know I’m strong

I know I’ve got this ‘cause I’ve had it all along

I’m phenomenal and I’m enough

I don’t need you to tell me who to be.

Can someone just hold me?

Don’t fix me, don’t try and change a thing

Can someone just know me?

‘Cause underneath, I’m broken and it’s beautiful.”

Can someone just know me…just know me. That’s what I want. It’s what we all want. To be known…the good, the bad, and the ugly. But how can we know each other? We have to be still. Be still and know….there is no knowing without being still.  We can’t know something moving past us at 100 mph.  We have to stop and be still…be still to know…to know ourselves, our spouse, our children, family, friends, co-workers, people in this country or in this world…there is no knowing until we’re still. We have to be willing to stop…because if you know me then you can love me…but not before. And I’m worth stopping for…and so are you.

I have lots of scars on my body…stretch marks from having babies, knee, elbow, back, shoulder, and foot scars from many surgeries. And I have a lot of other scars that you can’t see, unless I show you. All those scars help to tell the story of me…how I became who I am today.  I don’t need to be fixed but I do need to be known. We’re all broken and we’re all beautiful. We are all worth the time investment it takes to get to know each other.  Those scars quilt together the fabric of who I am and what has shaped and influenced me…past pains and triumphs…current pains and triumphs. 

I do not need you to tell me what I need to do to get “better.” “Better” isn’t in the cards for me…management is. I’m not your project and don’t need to be told how to be me. I’ve got this. I’ve had it all along. I need you to know me. I need you to love me without trying to fix me. Allow me to show you the most tender and vulnerable parts of me, safely. Let me be tried, scared, hurt, disappointed, frustrated. Let me feel my feelings. Don’t create a situation where I need to say “I’m okay” for your benefit…so you won’t be uncomfortable. I don’t need your sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. After all I’m fucking Superwoman.

Please don’t judge me, label me, and put me in a neat little box built to ease your own discomfort. Know me without the filter of what you think about my pain, your interpretation of my pain, or what you think you know about me? Be still. For the love of God, please, be still. You can’t find me if I don’t let you, and I won’t let you until you’re still. Your stillness allows space for me to trust you and for you to see me. Really see me.

Let’s be real…it can be lonely being in pain, being broken. But it doesn’t need to be because we’re all broken and we all have pain. We don’t need to feel alone. We need to allow ourselves to be seen…to be known. For that to happen, we have to do two things: be still so that we can know and then, allow ourselves to be seen. We have to be vulnerable and willing to take the risk of knowing and being known. “Divine is the task to ease pain.” Let’s do that for each other…ease each other’s pain. When we know someone we can love them…really love them. And in the end, all that matters is how we love people. Let’s make sure love always wins.