So here’s something you may not know about me and it’s amazing….I can read people’s minds. I know why people do what they do all the time. And that’s not true only for people I know, that is true for all the people I come across everywhere…I always know why a person does what they do…

If you cut me off in traffic I know it’s because you can’t drive…asshole. If you bump into me (and my cane) I know it’s because you don’t pay attention to your surroundings and you’re rude. If you cut in front of me in line you are arrogant and entitled. When you don’t wring out the sponge in the sink and it sits in cold, yucky water, and I have to wring it out, I know it’s because you don’t love me or care about my feelings. It is helpful to know what everyone is thinking but it is a burden as well…lol.

Seriously though…last week ended with a quote from the Buddha saying that we are what we think and that with our thoughts we create the world. One of the things I like best about Buddha is that he doesn’t mandate belief or doctrine, he says to test what he’s saying and see if it’s true or not…in other words make your own thoughtful decisions.

One of the ways I know what Buddha says here is true is in people’s reactions to life. The same thing can happen to two people and you’ll get two completely different reactions…because we create the world we live in and our reactions to it.

Say two people get fired from their job and, all other things being equal, one is devastated and one just quietly clears out their desk and leaves. What’s the difference? They both lost jobs at the same place for the same reason…If the first person believes that they are worthless and that’s why they got laid off and that without a job they will be homeless and unable to care for their kids so they will lose custody of them…etc., etc., etc. With those thoughts a world of fear and anxiety has been created…and the experience of the world continues to fit their design…events are interpreted based on those beliefs. The other person merely clears out their desk because they believe that the loss of this job means something better is out there for them…their world is friendly and kind with nothing to fear.

How we feel drives the choices we make…How do I feel? What choices am I making? Am I making choices based on fear and anxiety or on the belief in kindness and goodness? Do I even know?

We react to situations quickly and, much of the time, before we know what we’re doing. One practice I have developed, even though I can read people’s minds, is to ask myself, “Am I sure?”. I lose my job and believe it’s because I’m not smart enough. Am I sure? Not unless I asked and that was the feedback I was given…and even then, am I sure it’s true? NO! JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE. That is so important and took me so long to understand…and even now I still get caught up in it.

If someone says they think I’m a bitch that doesn’t make it true. What do I know of myself and what was the situation? Do I take it to be a compliment to me and so I embrace it or does it offend and hurt me? There are so many factors to consider before we allow our thoughts to carry us away.

Say I am driving down the street and someone cuts me off.. I may feel angry and scream, “Asshole!” Now Am I sure? Am I sure that the person in that car is an asshole? If I am honest the answer is no. I don’t know why they cut me off…maybe they just didn’t see me…maybe they are going to the hospital to visit a loved one…maybe they just lost their job…maybe someone just died and they are distracted…people have whole lives that we are unaware of…we don’t know! And how much of my reaction is fueled by fear? They cut me off and it scared me…I may act angry and scream but underneath the anger there may be fear…fear of being hurt, of dying, of missing something important to us…you get the idea.

Frequently I am not sure of myself, so what makes me think I can be sure about someone else?

Am I sure? This is a tiny question…but it has had a huge impact on me…on us. For me it is one of the pillars of learning to live Compassion First. I need to acknowledge that I am not all knowing…although sometimes I am pretty sure I am…or I should be. As I become more able to see that I really am not sure of much, I can have compassion for myself and for others…I am doing the best I can…other people are doing the best they can…they need compassion…I need compassion.

I heard Jack Kornfield tell a story about a woman in line at the grocery store and she was in a hurry. There was a woman with a baby in front of her in line. The woman was talking to the cashier and even let her hold the baby. The woman was growing more and more impatient. When it was finally her turn, and before she could yell at the cashier for wasting her time… the cashier thanked the woman for her patience. She explained that that was her mother and her baby daughter. She said that she was working extra-long hours to help her mother through a difficult time…so her time was limited with the baby. Her mom brought her in so she could spend a few minutes with the baby because she’ll be asleep when she gets home and she won’t have much time in the morning….WE DON’T KNOW! WE THINK WE DO BUT WE DON’T!

So Here’s The Thing…Asking ourselves Am I sure? Before we react to a situation can save us a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings…because we don’t know. We create suffering in our own lives when we tell ourselves something is fixed and true when we don’t know…we create suffering for others as well when we think we know things about them we can’t know…what they think, what they feel, why they do what they do…we don’t know…shit, I barely know why I do what I do…and even then I only know sometimes.

In the time we take to ask ourselves, Am I sure?, we also allow for a space…a gap…in-between asking and doing…that pause makes all the difference….that pause is where we find compassion first

Last week I talked about asking ourselves “Am I sure?” before responding to a situation and that, in the pause created by asking the question, we can allow ourselves to see more clearly and to let go of unhelpful reactions based on misinformation or our own stuff…now, allowing and letting go are two things I kind of suck at…I read a quote in a book once and the author said something like, “I’ve never let go of anything that didn’t have claw marks on it…I feel a bit that way too…so with letting go in mind, today we’re going to begin a mini-series on grief…

Right now our country is swimming in grief…maybe drowning is more accurate…over 221,000 people have died of coronavirus…almost a quarter of a million people have died in this country alone…I think sadness blankets our country…and it’s not just coronavirus…there are wildfires in California, Colorado, Oregon…hurricanes in the south and on the east coast…tornados in the Midwest…and I live in Colorado where the air is not fit to breathe and the sky is raining ash…just typing all of this is overwhelming…but we are here and we need to figure out a path forward…a way to survive and even thrive again…although that is difficult to imagine right now.

I’m pretty sure we all remember there are 5 stages of grief, and I bet most people can name at least 3 of them easily…denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance…they all just sound fun don’t they?! Don’t ya just wanna jump on in? And so we begin with denial…I’m an expert at that…deny, deny, deny….that is frequently my go to plan…if it doesn’t exist then there isn’t anything to worry about.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book, On Grief and Grieving,“ says, “Denial helps us pace our feelings of grief. There is grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.”

Over 221,000 people are dead in this country from coronavirus….and whether we experienced a loss personally or not we are all heartbroken in some way and we feel the collective loss…I feel it deeply…sometimes it’s paralyzing.

I am disabled and have chronic pain…both of those things also involve grieving because I have experienced great loss from my disability…I have lost so much and others with chronic pain and disability have as well….and we need to grieve…I need to grieve. We share common grief and yet how we experience it may be different…because we all experience and process grief and loss differently. So the process, and how it looks externally, may be different but we are all in pain and we have all experienced tremendous loss…and we need to grieve…the world needs to grieve.

The losses created by chronic pain and disability are not tangible losses…you may not be able to see them and so they frequently go unnoticed by other people, even people who are close to us. When someone dies grief feels clearer…you mourn the loss of someone you loved. You understand the loss and the world around you understands…we offer sympathy because we can see that you are grieving and we know what you lost…or we think we do.

Although, seriously…if we’re honest, we only understand for a period of time…then we become impatient with people and with their sadness…it makes us uncomfortable…we don’t like it. We want them to get over it already.

When I was in my 20’s, I had a miscarriage in between my second and third child. Miscarriage is such a hard thing…you go to the doctor because you’re having a baby and when you leave the doctor you aren’t having a baby anymore…there was no heartbeat. Friends and family expressed their sorrow for us…I still felt pregnant…my body had not registered the loss yet…but then it did. A close friend at the time, grew impatient with me and my sadness. She told me that she was worried about me because I was still so depressed. She said it was time to let it go and move on…I’m not sure how anyone thinks they can decide for me when I should be done grieving…I don’t think you’re done until you’re done…I frequently say…”You can’t do what you can’t do until you can.”

Part of the reason I talked about sitting Shiva, a couple weeks ago, was because I think we need rituals around intangible grief….just like we do when someone dies. In the Jewish tradition people sit Shiva for a week…they are allowed to focus on the loss they have experienced for a week…nothing else just the loss….

I was raised Catholic and so I experienced a few “Wakes” when I was young. I have to say as a kid seeing someone dead in a coffin was a little hard to process…I remember the first wake I was taken to…and let me just say Irish people are serious about their wakes…I wasn’t sure what would happen…although someone must have prepared me…it was my godmother’s brother-in-law…not anyone I was close to. I remember walking in the room and saying the 9 or 10 version of what the fuck!…although quietly because I didn’t want to get in trouble…no way was I getting close to him…and I swear I could see him breathing…clearly I needed more preparation.

As an adult, experiencing a Wake was completely different…I got it…I got the reasons we want to see someone before they are cremated or buried…or whatever they have chosen…because seeing the person helps your brain understand that that person died…you can physically see them…that’s really real. It also provides an opportunity to say goodbye…which is especially important if a person dies suddenly…you can touch the person and feel the death in their body…you can see that the person you loved isn’t in that body anymore…a Wake kind of bitch slaps denial…it’s hard to deny what you see in front of you…it’s gut-wrenching and helpful, although it does not feel helpful at the time.

I have learned that we cannot let go of something or grieve a loss until we know what we have lost…that’s what sitting Shiva and attending a Wake help us to recognize…we sit with the loss for a week or for several hours…and others understand and share our grief…they are there in our grief with us…we have a community around us grieving with us…they see the loss too.

I think rituals around grief are so important…I don’t know of any rituals to grieve the losses of chronic pain and disability…we need rituals…without them we may not even recognize that our grief exists, or that we have experienced any losses…because are in denial…I know this because I live in the house of denial…I may not own it, but I definitely have a suite there. Rituals help to ground us when we feel groundless.

Rituals, like sitting Shiva or attending a Wake, help us begin to move through grief…through the denial…initially…grief is a process…a process that takes as long as it takes…everyone is unique and so is their grieving process.

But what about chronic pain, which is often invisible to other people? How do we grieve? Can we identify what we have lost so we can mourn? Can we feel the death, like we can at a Wake with a casket in the room? What about a community to grieve with? Would anyone even want to grieve with me? Can I make my loss understood so others can feel it?

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says, “The limbo of loss is in itself a loss to be mourned. Uncertainty can be an excruciating existence.” There is so much uncertainty with chronic pain…not knowing what the future will hold…or what will happen to us…that limbo can be excruciating.

The whole country is in an excruciating limbo right now with COVID….We are afraid and don’t know what will happen next. And there are other losses…the death of people we love, we have restrictions we never had before…(Put your fucking mask on!)…loss of freedom, safety, security, health, feeling isolated and lonely, we fear of the unknown…and so much is unknown. Now the bitchy part of myself wants to say, “Welcome to my world” but that is unhelpful…

Because of COVID people are experiencing some of what we experience with chronic pain…there is the loss of people we love…only there is no casket…instead it’s people who get tired of you not being well and so they leave your life, I have restrictions on where I can go, how I move or get around…I have to plan…I have to know if there are stairs, heavy doors, low seating, chairs without backs, handicapped bathrooms, handicap parking…for safety…I have to watch out because people don’t pay attention and bump into me or kick my crutch…I have to be careful of falling, so my freedom is definitely restricted in all kinds of ways. And I have lost parts of me…of who I am…things I can’t do but used to, like work. So my idea of who I am has had to change more than once.

The limbo of loss is excruciating…for sure….for everyone grieving

We may not see it, while we’re in it, but grieving all of these losses from chronic pain is a process…a similar process regardless of the loss…we need to grieve…we need to talk about our feelings and that we are grieving…we need to let others in and educate them…we need to allow ourselves the process of grieving…we have to be willing to sit with the pain and the loss.

WE MUST LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE LOSS…whether it’s the death of a person or a part of ourselves…BECAUSE WE DO NOT JUST “GET BETTER” OR “GET OVER IT”…We do move and change and so our understanding and interaction with loss changes over time.

SO what do we do? Aside from sitting with grief and pain, and creating our own rituals, we can start a contemplative practice…like meditation or contemplative prayer…A practice where we silence ourselves and our thoughts. Where we move deep into the Knowing part of ourselves. The place we know we can relax and Be…where we know who we are and what we need…maybe it’s where the intuitive part of ourselves resides. Grieving needs silence and space…meditation and contemplative prayer provide that space.

We use the word “grief” when someone dies…death needs grieving. But I wonder if the word “grief” would allow me, and then other people, to understand my pain…maybe I don’t understand either…maybe I don’t spend enough time with my own grief to understand it…if I don’t understand, how can other people understand.

The finality of a disability or chronic pain is hard to wrap your head around…or hard to even want to wrap your head around…you reach a point where the illusion, the denial, can’t stand…even my denying self knows what’s real

LETS BE REAL…Maya Angelou has said, “You may not be able to control all the events that happen to you, BUT you CAN decide NOT to be reduced by them.”

We MUST become more from grief not less…become more compassionate, not less, more kind, aware, understanding, patient, sensitive…share more, not less, listen more…speak less…

There’s a saying that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger but maybe, what doesn’t kill us can make us more compassionate…perhaps even give us more insight into ourselves and others.

Remember compassion 1st…it’s what we all need…even if we are in denial.

I am a person with chronic pain who is significantly overweight. As anyone with chronic pain knows, it’s HARD to exercise when you’re in pain….and unless you have chronic pain, I don’t think you have any idea of what is being asked when you’re in pain and told to exercise. Even if you can do some form of exercise, you pay for it afterwards. When I walk too much, (and I am never clear of where “too much” is), the pain after is crazy. After I sit and rest I can barely get out of my chair or take a step because the pain is excruciating. It’s very hard to feel like anything is worth that much pain…I guess I could do it and then comfort myself by eating ice cream…that has been known to happen, even though it’s super unhelpful.

Recently I was listening to Billie Eillish sing, “Idontwanttobeyouanymore” (great song by the way)…anyway that song really resonates with me. Here are the words to some of the song…

“Hands getting cold
Losing feeling is getting old
Was I made from a broken mold?
Hurt, I can’t shake
We’ve made every mistake
Only you know the way that I break

If ‘I love you’ was a promise
Would you break it, if you’re honest?
Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before
I don’t want to be you, anymore.”

I don’t know if this song is about her or not…I hope not. I would hate for a successful 18 year old to look in the mirror and think she doesn’t want to be who she is anymore.

I have felt, on more than one occasion, that maybe I was made from a broken mold. All the pain, my bones wearing away, tendons and ligaments tearing while doing nothing, all the surgeries…people have actually laughed when I’ve told them I was going to have surgery again! I get that I have had a lot of surgery but laughing is not a good response…regardless of what you intend.

The pain so severe that it hurts to be touched if it isn’t soft and gentle. When my grandkids were little they would climb on me and I would be in such pain as their little elbows and knees dug into my body…but I didn’t stop them because I love them so much…if an adult did that I would push them away…and probably be angry.

“Tell the mirror what you know she’s heard before”…How many times has our own mirror heard us say something unkind about ourselves? Heard us wish we were someone else? On more than one occasion, I have looked in the mirror and thought that I didn’t want to be me anymore. All the pain and then all the weight gain…I try and lose it and I do and then I gain back more. It’s a frustrating cycle that makes me want to scream. It’s hard not to look in the mirror and see ourselves as broken or damaged…and to wish we were different…smarter, thinner, stronger, faster, taller…or whatever other “er” we might feel about ourselves.

“If ‘I love you’ was a promise, would you break it if you’re honest?” Do you ever say “I love you” to yourself in the mirror? If you cringe or laugh at the idea, then I’m gonna say the answer is a big “HELL NO!” I had started a practice or ritual a few years back where after a shower I would put lotion on my body, gently, and tell myself “I love you” as I was doing it. It was a powerful practice acknowledging all my body has been through and it keeps on going…but I stopped doing it. I stopped because…I’m not sure why…in a hurry after a shower…not wanting to take the time…not feeling I deserved the time…not loving myself so I avoided it. Pretty sure that’s the one.

How often would we say that we act, or speak, in an unkind or unloving way toward ourselves? How often do we break a promise to love ourselves? I recently had an experience where I said “hi” to someone I knew and they returned the salutation but quickly looked away. Do people really think that I can’t tell that you don’t want to look at me…that the fact that I am overweight makes you conclude that i am lazy and undisciplined?  I can see the judgement in your eyes.  That look…that look…I don’t wanna be you anymore.

I am not writing this to depress anyone…it is meant to put out there honestly what it feels like to be in pain all the time and to be overweight. I don’t think that my experience is unusual at all. I think that many of us find ourselves in the same boat. And I think we might like to change things, but we may not be able to. And before anyone thinks they have the answer for me…I can lose all the weight I need to and it may help my pain some but it won’t cure it because there is no way to cure it. I have been at a “ideal” weight and I still was in pain….the underlying conditions are not eliminated by weight loss.

I am not saying that you or me or anyone else needs to be fixed…or that any “other” has the right to push or pull us to change to be what they think we should be. We each deal with our own body in our own way…others can judge all they want but the decisions are our own to make.

So here’s the thing…I am not trying to change anyone, including myself, to fit into someone else’s idea of what or who or how I should be or look or act. I am not saying that I need fixing or that anyone else does…because we are not broken. Just because I have chronic pain and am overweight, I am not broken. You are not broken. I see you and you are not broken. Different does not mean broken…different, even if you don’t understand it, does not need to be fixed. We are all different…we just accept some “different” better than others.

What I am advocating is loving and accepting ourselves. Being able to look in the mirror and say, “I love you” and actually mean it. This blog is about learning to befriend ourselves…all of ourselves, even what we don’t like. We have to be able to love and accept ourselves before we can love and accept other people. Now you may be thinking, as I once did, that you are perfectly able to love other people regardless of how you feel about yourself…but here’s another thing…we love ourselves conditionally…if we lose weight, get a better job, find a partner, be the smartest, the fastest, etc.then we love ourselves…and that then is how we love others. I love you if you love me…I do this and I expect you to do that…whether spoken or unspoken it’s there…we put conditions on others just like we do to ourselves.

That is what this blog is about…learning about ourselves and becoming our truest selves…becoming who we really are…the fullest, best, most amazing version of ourselves, so we can bring all of that into our relationships and into the world.

And remember compassion first…I am enough…you are enough…just as we are.

Follow me here and on Instagram @kraines1111

Buddha said we should approach practice (such as meditation and mindfulness) as if our hair was on fire…meaning, with a sense of urgency.

Well, during this pandemic I feel like my hair is on fire everyDAY about everyTHING. Everything feels urgent and overwhelming….everything is an issue right NOW! Preparing for school at home…preparing kids for school at home (that’s much harder and even more urgent)…kids believing their lives are ruined by online school…trying to maintain some safe social contact for them, so they can have healthy relationships and so no one loses their mind…although I may have already lost mine…and so far it is nowhere to be found.

Maybe a pandemic is naturally a hair on fire thing. It’s hard to imagine that you could look at the pandemic and remain calm…maybe some people can…I am not one of them. I consider myself a pretty calm person…well I did…as recently as February of this year…beginning of March even.

I had a boss who used to say, “Let’s not go crazy here” when something big was happening. I worked in child protection, so things were frequently urgent and easy to go crazy over…even before I had gathered all the information I needed to understand the situation I could freak out.

Now if I’m not going to “go crazy here” what am I going to do? I feel anxious and agitated all the time. I don’t bite my nails but if I did they’d be bitten down to my knuckles. I feel anxious…restless…uncomfortable…on edge.

I generally believe that if I worry and fret about something enough then nothing bad will happen…I call it “anticipatory worry”…I like to get a head start. So I worry about my grandkids, and our adult kids. I worry about my friends and their kids. I worry about the state of the nation and the 190,000+ people who have died from coronavirus…and all of their family and friends. I worry about the continuing racial inequality and injustice. Protesters being shot while peacefully protesting. A black father being shot in the back 7 times while attempting to get into his car…and all of that in front of his three young sons…seriously?! Why do we even need to discuss how immoral that is…why don’t authorities take decisive action? How do we trust a police force where that shooting is considered good policing? How do we label that a police education or training problem and not a racism problem? Why do we focus on the violence and looting of a few and ignore the 1000’s of people peacefully protesting?

So much loss and so much grief…there is just so much to worry about…so many things to fear…so many choices available for anxiety…and I tend to choose them all.

There’s a low boiling anger that undergirds everything I do…it’s always there…a restless energy looking for expression. I am trying to express it constructively but sometimes I just want to scream, “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

With the anger there’s a fatigue…and exhaustion…hearing the same lies and justifications for abhorrent behavior…weariness that nothing seems to change…despair…despair…despair.

Maybe all my running around with my hair on fire is fueled by the need to grieve. We have lost so much personally and as a country. Amidst all the death and loss and change we’re experiencing, we need leaders who will lead us to breathe, open to the pain, and grieve….there is an overwhelming amount to grieve.

We have lost over 190,000 lives in this country because of COVID-19. We have lost 100’s of 1,000’s of jobs. People are facing the loss of their homes due to lack of income. Children and families are going hungry…people are facing food insecurity in growing numbers. Black people are being murdered by police officers…123 lives violently taken so far this year. Brown and black people are disproportionally impacted by the pandemic. Children are unable to go to school or play with their friends…without masks and social distancing. Children are sad and stressed. Adults are sad and stressed. We are experiencing fear, sadness, stress, confusion, rage, and loss in record amounts…perhaps like never before.

I believe we need to grieve as a nation. Since our leaders have not, I am calling for a national day of mourning…actually a week of mourning. In the Jewish religion when a death is experienced you sit shiva for 7 days…it can be 3 days but we definitely need 7…at least.

In the Hebrew bible, when Job lost his family, home and possessions and he was mourning, his friends came and sat with him for 7 days…as I recall that story, his friends were not that helpful…so be careful who you sit with.

Job and his friends sat on the ground together mourning for 7 days. If you happen to be like me, sitting on the ground is out of the question…if I get on the floor I will have to live on the floor. I don’t think where or how you sit matters nearly as much as that you actually do sit….you stay, and you sit.

Shiva means 7 for the 7-day formalized mourning period for the deceased. Shiva is observed for a parent, sibling, child, or spouse…we have lost all of those people in the last couple months.

Mirrors are covered to remind us that this time is not about us, it’s a time to concentrate on the deceased. Mourners come to the house to offer condolences…we need others to help us…and we need to help others heal. We are not designed to do everything on our own. We need each other.

The purpose of shiva is to provide a time for spiritual and emotional healing…7 days set aside for emotional and spiritual healing in order to lead us back to life. What a beautiful ritual…because we need to mourn, and we need to live.

I am not Jewish, and I am no expert on Jewish rituals, but I do think we can take the attitude of sitting shiva from this beautiful tradition.

I am searching for ways to make meaning out of what is happening in our lives, communities, country, and world. I believe that taking the attitude of shiva could help to move us through a very dark, painful, and confusing time in our country.

We are experiencing death in our society as we have never known, with the exception of war. We will be forever changed by COVID-19 and the impact it has had on our country. And we are forever changed by the murders of innocent black people by the police…we are changed because we have begun to really understand that black lives matter…we have begun to see what we should have seen decades, even centuries, ago…we live in a society that was founded on a racist structure and the belief that some people are worth more than others…that a white males life is worth more than any other life.

So here’s the thing…we are running around with our hair on fire not because of a sense of urgency to deepen our meditation practice or to be more mindful but because we have not had an outlet for the pain and the grief we are experiencing. Rushing here and there, not with a healthy yearning for growth and understanding, but because we don’t know what to do with ourselves…or each other…we’re like overtired toddlers running around, hitting our friends, plugging our ears, and screaming that we aren’t tired, when all we need is to embrace our feelings and sleep…close our eyes and rest.

We cannot grieve if we don’t know what we’ve lost. We cannot let go of something until we fully embrace it and understand what it means to us…and so we sit…not to avoid our grief but to fully experience it.

Before we go crazy here let’s take some time, 7 days, and grieve. Let’s feel our feelings. Sit with them as we do with someone who has died.

Let’s show ourselves, and other, some compassion…we’re all having a hard time.