January 2023…how can that be?  Another year already.  I love the holidays and as anxious as I am to put up holiday decorations, I am equally anxious to take them down…December 31^st…earlier if possible.  A friend once called it “extreme decorating” because it comes down so fast…we’re all over it here. 

The New Year brings with it thoughts of resolutions…eat better, exercise more, put the devices down, connect with people…so many things run through my mind at lightening speed.  Along with all the ideas comes the desire to really do something this year…something that really matters to me.

A few years back I was reading the Dallas Cowboys Star magazine, and this writer, Josh Ellis, said something that really struck me.  He said, “We set New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, or save money, or read more books, but those are goals – not the means to achieve those goals.  What we really should think about when we set those resolutions is the road to reach them.  In truth, these are mindsets.  We should instead resolve to be more self-disciplined, or to make smarter decisions, or to invest more time in ourselves” (STAR magazine, December 31, 2016).

I don’t really like news years resolutions.  In part because I’m not great at keeping them and also because they make me feel like I’m starting this bright new year, that’s full of possibilities, unhappy with myself and thinking I need to change to be okay…like I’m starting from a deficit. That feels like seeing myself from a place of lack and I don’t want to do that. So rather than resolve to change something, I’m going to resolve to expand something…me. Me, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically…becoming capable of more. I’m going to undertake a mindset change…a new perspective. I’m going to open to something new and different…a mindset change about me and what I believe I’m capable of.

I’ve noticed something about myself over the years and that is I have a tendency to hold back. Not in relationships.  I’m pretty good at those, but in other areas of my life. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m afraid of failing or if it’s because I’m afraid of succeeding.  I get an opportunity at work to take things to another level and I start, kind of, and stop…stay where I am. I get an opportunity to speak and I do and then when it might grow to something more I stop…too afraid. I pursue a spiritual path of study and start out strong but then stop and never really get going again…because I’m afraid. What exactly I’m afraid of I’m not sure…but there’s something there that really stops me from going all in.

I have had a daily mantra the past two years of “I am willing” and that willingness is for whatever comes along.  Willing to learn, grow, care, feel, sit, stay with difficult emotions, commit, write, express myself, love, offer compassion, be kind…you get the idea. My intention for this year is “All In.” I’m all in in my life all year…taking opportunities where I find them and saying yes to them even when I’m scared…although I’m not talking about taking stupid chances or jumping in when my gut tells me it’s a bad idea.  I’m talking about the things I know I should do but I avoid because of fear…taking opportunities that I have turned away from in the past. 

I guess it fits with the mantra…I am willing to be all in…whatever that means. That’s some scary shit there. It’s scary because I am not sure what it means and I like to know details before I commit to something.  I don’t like surprises…well, winning the lottery yes, being out of my comfort zone, not so much. And I’ve noticed my comfort zone has gotten smaller and smaller these past few years. I think the isolation of Covid, for an introvert like me, just made me a hermit. I now think I could live without ever leaving the house…and I could…sadly. You can get everything delivered…literally everything you can think of…there’s even tele-health…a doctors appointment delivered to my home…perfect. So the Covid years have not been great for my psyche and now I need to reclaim myself. Maybe it’s not reclaim, maybe it’s just claim. Claim myself and all my potential…all in, all the time. 

I’m having a difficult time writing this blog.  I’m guessing because it’s very personal and I feel especially vulnerable talking about my fears and the things that keep me from engaging. I rarely talk about when I was an attorney because it ended badly and in some ways, many ways, I am still not over it. 

I worked as a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) representing children who were abused and neglected. All of the GAL’s in Colorado had contracts with OCR, the Office of the Child’s Representative. Contracts were renewed each year…not really renewed, you had to reapply each year to get another contract. There was a woman in their office that disliked me intensely, although I don’t know why. We rarely saw each other and didn’t know each other at all. She took it upon herself to make sure my contract didn’t get renewed. She had an issue with my visitation schedule and the fact that I had postponed a visit because everyone in the house had the flu. She told me I should have gone to the foster home anyway, even though the foster mother was sick too. Anyway, the details don’t really matter because she got what she wanted, they didn’t renew my contract. She called me into her office and said, “You have a great reputation. No one has anything bad to say about you. And we’re not renewing your contract.” That’s a direct quote. Even after 12 years I can still hear her saying those words to me. I was dumbfounded and destroyed. I was humiliated and I felt so much shame even though I didn’t do anything wrong…except in her eyes I guess, and ultimately that’s all that mattered.

I couldn’t talk about it for days because all I could do was cry. The following year, the same woman, decided she had a problem with my billing, in particular, the way I split the time between two companion cases. I had split the time in half because I thought it came out pretty equally. It went from that one question to her accusing me of over billing and I was let go immediately. I had to get all my cases together and give them to an attorney she decided should have them. I had to meet with and say goodbye to all my clients very quickly, which is difficult when you’ve established trusting relationships with children who were a abused and neglected. It was one of the worse times of my life. 

I thought it was over after that, but she had just gotten started. She grieved me to the board of attorney regulators…or whatever their official title is. They met with me but really didn’t care what I had to say.  They had clearly made up their minds and I was suspended for 6 months. I guess I’m still technically suspended because I never had a hearing to request reinstatement. I have zero interest in ever being an attorney again.

I am intentionally and respectfully (although she may not deserve that) not using this person’s name because that feels spiteful or vindictive and I don’t want to be either. She questioned the time it took me to get to appointments and why so many were .5 or .6 (of an hour) meaning 30-36 minutes. We had to keep track of and bill our time in six minute increments…that’s a pain in the ass. I told her that a lot of the places I went for meetings and to see kids were around 30-45 minutes from me. I don’t see why that was so suspicious and such a big deal. Although my case numbers didn’t increase over that year, because I couldn’t pick up any new cases, my billable time did. I told her the message I got from her the previous year was that I wasn’t doing enough so I did more. I did more home visits with kids, more visits with parents and relatives, attended more staffings…anything I could do to do a better job. I did make mistakes in my billing. I didn’t change one type of billing when I should have and there were some inadvertent mistakes…it’s not that hard to make a mistake when you’re billing six minutes at a time on 30 cases. I offered to write a check immediately to cover any mistakes that I made but wasn’t allowed to. 

OCR wrote a long brief to the attorney regulators outlining their grievances with me. I started reading it but it was so full of lies I stopped. When I met with the attorney regulators it was clear they didn’t believe me. I understood for the first time why people confess to things they didn’t do…I just wanted it to end. I gave up talking. I gave up trying. I thought “fuck it,” they’re going to do what they want so go ahead. I just shut down and did my best to stop caring. When they wrote their decision they just copied what OCR said. On the phone they told me I billed for talking to relatives in court who weren’t there.  That never happened. They read transcripts of hearings but you don’t know who is in the courtroom unless they are part of the hearing and enter their name on the record. But I didn’t say that. I didn’t defend myself at all. I didn’t say anything except “okay” when they told me their decision. 

And then, as if that wasn’t enough, I’m positive this woman called the IRS and had me audited.  What are the odds that my wife and I would both be audited randomly a few months after all of this? I’d say zero. I had never been audited in my life. My taxes aren’t that interesting. I talked with my accountant beforehand, but went to the audit alone, because I couldn’t afford to bring him…I was unemployed after all. The audit was ridiculous. I had receipts for everything but the auditor wouldn’t take them. I kept receipts from meals I took kids out to for their birthdays or just to talk. I had receipts from gifts I bought them for Christmas, birthdays, or graduations. The receipts had case names and numbers on them. These are legal tax deductions according to my accountant, but she wouldn’t take them. She said, “How do I know these weren’t gifts for your grandkids?” And, in not my finest moment, I snottily said, “How do you know they were?” The conversation was asinine. I never claimed any expense from my grandchildren on my taxes. Again though, I just gave up. I actually told her “I don’t care what you do,” again, not my finest moment. I just wanted it all to stop. Because of her the IRS said I owed them many thousands of dollars. I ended up declaring bankruptcy and completing an offer in compromise with the IRS to settle the debt…a debt I didn’t owe.

I am not the only person that this woman went after. She did the same thing to another female attorney and made sure she lost her contract. I don’t know if she grieved her as well. I have heard that this woman is no longer employed by OCR but I don’t know why…and at this point, I don’t care. And there were still more fall outs….I lost my best friend, also an attorney contracting with OCR. I have no idea why. She wouldn’t talk to me. I tried calling, emailing, texting, and sending a letter but never got any response. That crushed me and after all these years, almost 11, I still find it hurtful. I don’t know if that woman said something to her or if being my friend was too risky…I have no idea. I had many friends who worked for OCR, and was offered opportunities to do contract work for them doing home visits and attending staffings, but OCR made a rule that you could not hire anyone who had been grieved. This woman made sure I was cut off at all levels. I have no fucking idea what her issue was with me…but there sure was something…maybe we had some awful connection in a previous life. I don’t fucking know.

She destroyed me professionally, financially, in my closet friendship, and emotionally. I actually kept all my other friendships although I distanced myself from everyone. It didn’t matter what I could explain or anything, I felt so much shame at the accusation and in everything that followed, that except for a small number of people, I lost touch with everyone. I walked away ashamed and have continued to carry that shame and pain for eleven years. I haven’t talked about this with anyone but my wife and kids…and my best friend, when I still had one.

The crazy thing is I was planning to get out of the business of being a Guardian Ad Litem. I had worked with abused and neglected kids as a Child Protection Senior Caseworker for 11 ½ years and then as a GAL for 8 and I was tired of it. Tired of all the damaged children and families. Tired of not being able to help the way I wanted to. Tired of being part of a system that isn’t properly funded or able to offer the resources that people really need to change and get better…there was very little “better.” Now people who know me know I wanted to do something else. I had gotten certified to become a mediator, looked into practicing elder law, but ended up thinking it might be the same thing, just older clients. People who don’t know me have, on occasion, accused me of lying about changing jobs. I guess if you don’t know me, I shouldn’t really care, but I did. 

I thought that I wanted to work with adults in this next phase of my career, but I had spent over twenty years working with children. I started a program teaching mindfulness to very young children. I wanted to work with kids before they were broken and invest positively in them and who they could become. I wanted to teach them positive ways to interact with themselves, others and the world…to be mindful and aware of their interactions. To respond to people and situations, not just react. 

Now what does all that shit have to do with being all in? Must be something import because it sure came pouring out. I actually know…I don’t think I’ve been “all in” since all that shit happened. I think I gave up and put a wall around me that I am only now considering dismantling. The wall kept in a lot of pain and shame I didn’t know how to deal with and it kept out anything too scary or potentially too hurtful…because I couldn’t take any more…I couldn’t take the risk…any risk.

Now Let’s Be Real…what does this all mean for 2023? For being all in? I am realizing that this whole experience kept me from being all in on me…believing in myself…seeing the same potential in me that others see. I let one person’s hatred, or vengeance or whatever the hell it was, color everything I saw about myself and everything I believed about myself. That stops now. She didn’t know me. Whatever her problem was, it seemed to have very little to do with me and much more to do with her. She had no reason to even dislike me let alone, to set out to, destroy me. And she did destroy me…my job, my finances, relationships, my confidence, self-esteem…but all these years later that only continues with my permission. And I’m saying no! Not this year…not any other year…not anymore. I’ve let her have too much time and too much power already. I’m going to listen to what I know about myself and what people in my life, who really know me, believe about me. I’ll take their opinions under advisement but never hers…never again.

Let’s have some real wisdom from contemporary teachers, who know way more than me, to help facilitate this change…

Marianne Williamson says that, “It’s never a circumstance that needs to change – it’s we who need to change.”

Eckhart Tolle says, “You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge.”

And Pema Chodron, who I respect deeply, has said, “The wonderful irony about this spiritual journey is that we find it only leads us to become just as we are. The exalted state of enlightenment is nothing more than fully knowing ourselves and our world, just as we are. In other words, the ultimate fruition of this path is simply to be fully human.” 

So I am all in to be fully who I am, without holding myself back. To know myself and all my potential and to seek ways to fulfill that potential. To be the full, big ME, not the tiny, small, hidden me.

The change I’m really looking for is inside my own head. Buddha said that with our thoughts we create the world. I need to create a world where I am not someone else’s villain. I’ve allowed that for too long. So here’s to 2023, and each of us focusing on finding and knowing our own truth, our own goodness, and our own humanity. Here’s to being true to ourselves because let’s be real, ultimately we’re all we have.

And remember, how we love people is all that matters. May we all find peace.

I love Christmas and I love Christmas movies. Much to my family’s dismay, my favorite ones are old classics…White Christmas, A Christmas Carol from 1938, with Reginald Owen (and only that one), Miracle On 34^th Street, and It’s A Wonderful Life. For me, there are no other movies that compare to them. I have been thinking about It’s A Wonderful Life and, the end of the movie, where Harry Bailey makes a toast to his big brother George Bailey…who has just been through the ringer wishing he had never been born…if you haven’t seen, it you need to.  Harry’s toast is, “To my big brother, George, the richest man in town.”

That got me thinking about wealth and how we measure our riches or wealth. We can do it financially, but that’s pretty limiting and maybe not that great for many of us right now, inflation and all. But what really makes us wealthy? What are the things we treasure? That we consider our riches? George Bailey was distraught over some lost money and came to the conclusion that everyone would have been better off if he had never been born. He gets the opportunity, with the help of his Guardian Angel, to see what the world would have been like without him in it. He sees the interplay of his life with others and how much would have been lost without him in the world. So he prays to be alive again and presto! he is back…I love this movie. George had a narrow perspective of his life that centered around his business and financial struggles. That tunnel vision led him to despair and thoughts of taking his own life. Aren’t we all like that at times? The demands of our lives, jobs, families, narrowing our vision to just our struggles to get by. We lose the joy of just living because of the pressures and demands we put upon ourselves.

We have no idea how our lives intertwine and are interwoven with the world around us. If George Bailey hadn’t been born, then Harry would have drowned in a sledding accident as a child…not really sledding, they were riding shovels…did any parent really think that was a good idea? And if Harry had died, an entire ship full of sailors would have died in WWII because Harry wouldn’t have been there to shoot an enemy plane down…you get the idea. Although that’s all just a movie, the same connections exist for us…maybe not as dramatically, but they exist. People would not have met or been in relationships, children would not have been born, schools wouldn’t have been attended, degrees not earned, businesses not started, connections not made, problems not solved, people not touched. We have no idea the impact our one little life has on the people around us and the world…but we should not underestimate it. Life is full of connections and those connections intertwine with more connections and so on.  Our lives are a mangrove of connections and influences.

When my grandson, Javon, was 9, a friend  asked his mom whether he still believed in Santa Claus. My daughter explained to her that someone had told him Santa wasn’t real and he had stopped believing until he talked to me and I convinced him that Santa was real.  I don’t recall this conversation at all, but it really struck me then and it still does. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and still feel like this might have been one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life.  Not because of Santa himself, although who can resist his rosy cheeks, warm smile, knowing eyes, and infectious laugh.  It’s not the man; it’s all he stands for…the mindset if you will….of goodness, kindness, generosity, and compassion.  It’s deeply listening, really seeing, knowing, and paying attention to the people close to us. It’s the kindness to reach out to those in need because we all need help. It’s building community wherever we are because we are all so much more alike than different. It’s not judging because we really don’t know. It’s choosing kindness and compassion in all of life’s circumstances because we can.  If in any way I helped to instill or nourish that mindset in my grandson, then I know I have done at least one really good thing.

To me, Christmas is a magical time. People are kinder, more giving, more forgiving, more open to humanity, our own and others. We look for and count our blessings. We celebrate the people we love and strengthen our connections to them. We celebrate love and kindness in the movies we watch and the Santa we love to believe in…I still believe. I believe in the strength and kindness of the human spirit. In our ability to love and care and give. I believe that all that really matters is how we love people. I believe in the interconnection we all share and how each of our lives are touched by everyone else’s…if one link was missing, everything would change…we each have that much influence…we matter that much.

Let me be real…I believe that I am the richest person I know. I have a life filled with people I love deeply and who love me. I am overflowing with love…and out of that abundance I have so much to give. So here’s to Christmas and the holiday spirit and to the hope that we can keep it alive in us all year long. Take time as this year ends, to be grateful for all the riches in your life…and take a moment to say “thank you” for the abundance that is yours, in all its many forms. And here’s to a new year filled with goodness, kindness, generosity, compassion, and love. What the world needs now is love…definitely.

One more thought on being real….

The holidays are a difficult time for so many people. I think lacks or losses we face, we feel more fully during the holidays. Maybe because of all the images we are exposed to of happy, healthy, intact, “ideal” families. We may feel like we are not one of the most fortunate…or not fortunate at all. We may be sad, depressed, feeling hopeless, while we think everyone around us is happy, loved, and content. But outward appearances don’t mean anything because we are all masters of hiding the truth…our truth. 

I am not oblivious to all the losses occurring in our world. Last week, tWitch, the DJ from The Ellen Degeneres Show, committed suicide. I was heartbroken to hear the news. I felt like I knew him from seeing him each afternoon and watching him dance and make jokes with Ellen. He seemed very full of life and love. I am beyond sad that anyone feels like they have no reason to live…and there seem to be so many. I don’t pretend to know the thoughts or feelings of someone in this mental and emotional pain, and I am not judging the conclusions anyone comes to about their own lives. I hope tWitch found the peace he was looking for and I hope that everyone who loved him is cared for and comforted in ways that are most meaningful and healing to them. And I hope we can all find the peace that we long for. 

If you or someone you love is struggling with thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255). There are qualified people available to help you or your loved ones. Please reach out and ask, there is help.

I found out about 8 months ago that I have Age-Related Macular Degeneration, also referred to as AMD. Now I would define AMD as “the macula of your eye gets fucked up…blah, blah, blah, whatever…and I could lose my vision.” That’s my definition because it gets right to the point for me…I could lose my vision.  Now a doctor might be more clear in saying that Age-Related Macular Degeneration is a problem with the part of your retina called the macula. With AMD you lose your central vision but can still see peripherally. Apparently, it’s the leading cause of vision loss in people 50 and older. My dad has it so we go to the Retina Institute together, every four months, for check ups. I guess AMD can cause significant changes very quickly and so it has to be closely monitored. My dad has advanced AMD and cannot see much at all. I get so scared every time I see the doctor. Yesterday at our appointment she said, “Wow! That’s quite a family history. Yikes!” I did not feel great about that comment, but for now my eyes are fine, and I am taking a breath.

I wonder if I lose my ability to see will I lose my vision? And what if I lose my vision, can I still see? To “see” means, “perceive with the eyes, discern visually; to be aware of; recognize.” One the other hand, “vision” means, “the faculty or state of being able to see; the ability to think about or plan the future with imagination or wisdom.”

Now these definitions got me thinking about the movie “The Wizard of Oz.” Two of the characters needed organs, a heart and a brain, and then the character trait of courage for the lion. If there had been one more character, maybe a hawk, would it have needed eyes, or to see, or vision? The tin man already had a heart, which he realized when it was breaking. The scarecrow had a brain, he just doubted his intelligence. And the lion mistook courage for fearlessness, as in the absence of fear. Real courage is moving forward even when we’re afraid…and he did that, wicked witch and all. Dorothy also realized she already had everything she needed and wanted…she just hadn’t recognized it. It was all there but she couldn’t see…even though there was nothing wrong with her eyesight.

Let’s Be Real…You can have 20/20 vision and not see what’s right in front of you, like the tin man, scarecrow, lion, and Dorothy, or can you see perfectly and have no vision. How is it that we really see, perceive, and have vision? I believe the answer is, to be still and know…be still. In the moments we quiet ourselves we know…we know what we see and we understand our vision. We may physically see with our eyes but our vision comes from our heart. We think our perceptions are based on what we see but they are shaped and influenced by all we think, fear, believe, understand…everything about us shapes how we perceive. Our eyesight, or vision, is never as simple as what is physically in front of us. Everything is interpreted by who we are and how we understand ourselves and the world around us.

I wonder when I can’t see, will I still be able to see my wife?  Will I be able to see myself?  I think we have to see to know, and know to love…will I still see? I can lose my vision but I will always see my wife…the loss of my sight won’t affect my vision of her. I know my wife…I know and see and love her.

To see is to recognize.  There is so much more to recognizing than what my eyes perceive. I recognize the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her footsteps. Those recognitions remain with or without eyesight.

We can learn to see without looking. I can close my eyes and see every inch of her face…her smile, those sparkling blue eyes full of mischief and warmth, the crinkle of her nose when she laughs, the shape of her face, her eyebrows, that beautiful soft skin, her lips, especially when she purses them together trying not to laugh…Blindness cannot ever take those visions away from me.  They are permanently part of me. I know her by heart.

I am still and I know. I know her by heart and I know me by heart. I know my vision and it has nothing to do with my eyesight. The things that matter most to me I see with my heart. Regardless of my eyesight my heart will go on and on. I will see and imagine. I will maintain my vision. My vision is my hearts longing…what I know to be my heart’s true task. The work that is mine to do. My vision does not reside in my eyes. My vision is in my heart. It’s the core of who I am and who I want to be.

Let’s be real…blindness can’t ever change what I know. Be still and know. Ultimately love wins…it always does. I know.

When my wife and I are driving in the car she teases me about how I sing, or don’t sing, along with the radio. She tells me to belt it out and sing with meaning. Here’s the thing, I don’t even sing loud in the car when I’m alone. I am a mouther of music…that’s my belting. But I feel music deeply. I get lost in the music…listening to the words, being filled by the meaning I find in the message, and immersed in emotions that the meaning brings alive in me. It’s a very full and satisfying experience for me…one I love repeating over and over again with the same songs by my favorite artists…Brandi Carlile and P!nk…much to my wife’s dismay. Is it actually possible to get tired of listening to Brandi Carlile and P!nk? Not in my experience.

Several years ago, when I was in the Masters program at Naropa University, in Boulder, I had to take a “Presence” class. I joked later with my classmates that if I had known about this class I probably would not have entered the program…that’s how much it scared me. The class was about being fully present in your body… embodying yourself completely in each moment. So many stories to tell from this class, one of the exercises we did was to sing the alphabet. My classmates and I, standing in a circle, each took a turn with a letter. I was terrified. I’m a little surprised I didn’t pass out. I don’t like to sing in front of other people…although, on occasion, I have been know to do family karaoke…twice I think…and only because we definitely have worse singers than me…no offense intended to those who know who they are. It was such a simple task…sing an M, or whatever letter it was. I did it, but it wasn’t loud and it was more speaking than singing. None of my classmates had an issue with the task and they all seemed to have beautiful voices. I was a, one and done, let’s not ever do that again kind of gal. Fortunately, we only did it once…or I blocked the trauma of a second time.

I have analyzed this ad nauseam, as only I can do, and wondered if it’s possible that I don’t think I should make noise or have a voice. I listen to my favorite singers and they belt out the full power of their voices without a problem. They are comfortable with and in their voices. They claim their voices and are fully present in them.

I have a blog and use my voice in the words I write and the messages I send out into the world. I host a podcast and, although I don’t really like the sound of my voice, I use it to convey a message. I have been told that my voice is very soothing and comforting. Many years ago, when I was training to be a volunteer rape crisis counselor, during role playing (also hate that), people told me that I was the one they’d want to talk to in a crisis because of the sound of my voice…specifically the softness and gentleness.

I have worried that I was not embodying my voice for a long time. Worried that I was afraid to make noise. That I was silencing myself. Then I realized that how I embody and use my voice does not need to be how anyone else uses theirs. I don’t have to make myself conform to some image I’ve created in my mind of the correct way to fully be present in my voice. My full presence is there in the embodiment of my voice…my way.

I have something to say.  I have a lot to say…offerings to make our lives more fulfilling, more loving, and our relationships long lasting…to make the world a better place…at least that’s my plan. I have been a teacher and speaker and I even considered becoming a minister many years ago…probably at least in part because I was told I wasn’t allowed to…I can be a tad defiant. You get the idea. Perhaps it’s a defiance born of knowing that I have something to say…that I have to fully be present in my voice to teach (or preach) my message….the message I believe has been given to me.

Let’s be real…lots of people talk but not everyone has something to say. Just because someone screams words at me doesn’t mean they are worth listening to. We have voices bombarding us from every direction and we have to decide, for ourselves, who has the message we want to hear…what to tune in and what to tune out. Maybe I’m learning that I don’t have to be the loudest voice or the most forceful voice…maybe just a calm and sane voice in an already crazy world.

I gave a talk once with laryngitis. It was weird because I wasn’t sick at all, I just woke up unable to talk. I literally spoke in a whisper and the room was silent. Maybe what’s more amazing is that the room was full of adolescents. Perhaps having a voice has nothing to do with volume…maybe it’s as simple as having something to say…something worth listening to. I remember that Helen Reddy song that went, “I am woman hear me roar…” For some of us it’s, I am woman hear me whisper.

What I had assumed for so long was not having a voice, was really just speaking differently. With my unique voice. My voice doesn’t have to be like yours. My passion and emotion don’t have to boom at a 10…sometimes a 2 is all that’s necessary. 

Let’s be real…we each have our own voice. We need to find it and develop it. I have my own presence…my own voice…my own way. You do too. I had an work friend once say to me, “I tell people, Karen Raines doesn’t say much so when she talks you better listen.” Man I hope that’s true, now and always. Let’s use our voices this week to speak words of love, encouragement, and kindness to those we care about…maybe even those that irritate the shit out of us. Embody love and voice it…because ultimately love will win.

Less than a year ago I moved to Florida but I spent the previous 42 years in Colorado. I am heartbroken and destroyed over the shooting at Club Q. Five innocent people were gunned down and 19 more injured in yet another senseless act of gun violence. In all my years in Colorado, Colorado Springs has never been a safe and welcoming place for the LGBTQ+ community.  I understand why the Mayor wants  to describe his city that way, given the tragic circumstances at Club Q, but I doubt the veracity of his words.

5 people killed, 19 injured

How many times have we read statistics like that referring to a mass shooting? Our country seems to thrive on someone to hate…someone to blame for all the problems. A scapegoat. An “other” to vilify. Someone to fear. Currently that seems to be the LGBTQ+ community, and perhaps especially, the trans community. Hate crimes against the LGBTQ+ community are on the rise.

There’s a rise in anti-gay rhetoric. You cannot scapegoat and dehumanize an entire group of people and not expect this to happen. You cannot fan the flames of fear regarding the LGBTQ+ community and then act surprised when people are massacred. How long have people on the far right tried to stoke fears of gay people “grooming” children to make them gay or trying to convince people that gay people are pedophiles even though those claims have zero basis in reality? The vast majority of pedophiles, approximately 90%, are white, heterosexual, and male. Those false claims have been repeatedly made since the 1980’s, maybe longer.

The result of those types of dangerous and false claims are that the LGBTQ+ community becomes a target for hatred. And a sanctuary where LGBTQ+ people go to feel safe and connected is turned into into a target for a murderous rampage. I imagine many straight people don’t understand this need to find a safe place, where you can be yourself, because you have many choices. But when so many other places are unsafe, a place like Club Q is a refuge from the world.

Club Q was originally opened in this location so that people would not be seen going in and out of the club…because just going to the club was scary…and risky. In Denver, we use to go to Ms. C’s to dance. There was nothing to identify Ms. C’s but the name. It was a windowless brown building and we used to walk quickly in and out so that no one would see us, or hurt us. That’s a horrible reality for much of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s terrifying to live in fear of your own existence. The first Pride parade I ever marched in, with members of an LGBTQ+ alliance where I worked, I was like, “Holy shit! These people are protesting me! They hate me!” And as I walked past people with signs, yelling, spitting, and spewing hate filled rhetoric I was afraid. I had not realized how scary it would be just to march in this parade. Look how far we’ve come….and not so much.

We cannot continue to allow people to be marginalized and targeted because they are not straight, white, and Christian. We need to fight for equality…for all people. There should be no argument or debate about that. Our country was founded on the idea of equality. All people created equal. Although it wasn’t equal…not for women, not for slaves, not for indigenous people, not for the poor. It was “equal” for white, wealthy, slave and land owning men. Equality is the goal, the ideal we strive for. The ideal that we need desperately to become reality. Another ideal of the founding fathers was religious freedom. The first settlers left England to get away from the Church of England. To be allowed the religion of their choosing or none at all. You can believe whatever you want but you do not get to legislate your beliefs, and you certainly do not get to impose them on anyone else. We are equal. We are free. Free to believe or not believe as we determine for ourselves. 

We act appalled when people are executed for being gay in other countries, but isn’t that what happens here? Someone doesn’t like a group of people so they take a gun and execute them. We just don’t call it an execution, we call it a mass murder. What are we doing? What is happening? Why aren’t we all outraged at the gun violence that continues and why can’t we as a nation do something about it? Our children and teachers are gunned down. Our black and brown communities are gunned down. Our queer and trans communities are gunned down…Jewish communities, Muslim communities…the disabled…the “different,” the “other,” the ones we don’t understand or feel threatened by…so much hatred…so much violence. This “otherness” is what breeds the hateful actions like the murders in Colorado…like Pulse Nightclub in 2016. 49 killed and 53 wounded. The largest mass shooting in US history and the largest mass causality event targeting LGBTQ+ people. What is happening? What are we doing?

19 states and the District of Columbia have “red flag” laws. These laws permit state courts to order temporary removal of firearms from a person they believe is a danger to themselves or others. They are also called Extreme Risk Protection Orders (ERPO). Colorado is one of these states. In 2019, El Paso county, the home of Colorado Springs, declared itself a 2^nd Amendment Sanctuary County. The County stated that red flag laws “infringed on the inalienable rights of law abiding citizens” by ordering police officers to seize property without evidence of a crime. Protection orders can be sought by law enforcement or family or household members. Once El Paso declared itself a 2^ndAmendment Sanctuary County, the Sheriff indicated that law enforcement would not seek EROP orders. Instead they would wait for families to petition the court for surrender orders. In a county of 730,000 people, there were 13 temporary removal orders through the end of 2021. Seriously? The gun used in this mass murder may have been in the home of the alleged killer last year when the police interviewed him regarding a bomb threat made toward his mother. Maybe this shooting could have been prevented…maybe not, but it would be comforting to know someone tried.

In Florida, and right wing media, the term “woke” is thrown around in a disparaging manner, as if it’s a joke. Woke means, “alert to injustice in society, especially racism.” That doesn’t sound funny to me. Here in Florida, our Governor is trying to pass the “Stop WOKE Act.” Fortunately, a federal judge blocked a key piece of that legislation which would have restricted how lessons on race and gender can be taught in colleges and universities. This act would “expand Florida’s anti-discrimination laws to prohibit schools and companies from leveling guilt or blame to students and employees based on race or sex, [and] takes aim at lessons over issues like ‘white privilege’ by creating new protections for students and workers, including that a person should not be instructed to ‘feel guilt, anguish, or any other form of psychological distress’ due to their race, color, sex, or national origin.” (Politico article by Andrew Atterbury). The judge determined that those policies violate 1^st Amendment free speech and due process rights in the 14^th Amendment on college campuses. We’re in a whole new level of trouble when we want to legislate our responsibilities away. When we want a law to clear our conscience and rewrite history in a more palatable form because they truth makes us feel bad.

Let’s Be Real…I clearly did not move to Florida because of the open mindedness and welcoming policies here. I plan to do my part to educate people and change policies like this one. But here’s my question…why is “woke” a negative thing? Why is it referred to jokingly and as a put down? Why is it mocked, like in the name of this bill? What is wrong with being “alert to and aware of injustice” in our society and in the world? Seems to me that we could use a whole lot more of that. 

Buddha said that enlightenment meant to wake up…to stop sleeping. Being awake means to be “fully conscious, alert, and aware.” I think Buddha was the original “woke” Being. Don’t we all need to wake up? Wake up and be aware of the bigotry, hatred, and violence in our country. We have to be awake to see what’s happening and to change what’s happening. We can’t change what we refuse to see. Awake to recognize that the LGBTQ+ community is part of our families. We are your mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, grandmothers, grandfathers, cousins, sisters, brothers, friends, employees, doctors, nurses…we are part of the fabric of your lives and part of the fabric of this country.

And let’s be real, we all need to wake up and walk through this world with our eyes, minds, and hearts open. Wake up to the people around us. Just wake up. And, please, when in doubt, be kind, especially now. Do whatever you can to help the healing. Love always wins, maybe not today, but ultimately it wins.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a quote I read this week from Marianne Williamson.  In her book A Return To Love she says, “Any situation that pushes our buttons is a situation where we don’t yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving….Love isn’t love until it’s unconditional….”

Now maybe you’re like me in thinking that anything you do (because let’s be clear, it’s your fault) that pushes my buttons, well, you better stop that! What’s wrong with you pushing my buttons? You know it’s a button for me…that’s so mean of you…you get the idea. And I do not think I am alone in this way of thinking or the mindset that says “if you love me you should be able to read my mind and know what I need or want without me asking.” I mean asking, we really should be beyond asking, right?  Plus, if you love me you would definitely not push my buttons and if you did you’d be super sorry and apologetic…and you would tell me in detail how you fucked up by not reading my mind…it’s your job right? Wrong. So wrong.

We treat mind reading as if it’s a trait we can develop…like we develop our chili recipe…and you will perfect it if you love me. Now I may sound crazy but I am not the only person with this kind of crazy going on…don’t we all want someone to know us so well that they anticipate our needs or know what we need before we do…isn’t that the romanticized version of love we see in the movies…and oh, I love a good romance….everyone who knows me is smirking right now, especially my wife…I pretty much live in a romantic musical in my head.

Brandi Carlile, THE Brandi Carlile with 7, count ‘em, Grammy nominations.  The same Brandi Carlile who wrote the NY Times best selling book, Broken Horses, which I read not once, but twice, and is a wonderful, honest, vulnerable book about her life…but I digress…back to my point before I forget…she has a song called “When You’re Wrong” and part of the lyrics are: 

“You may be here today

But tomorrow you’re a ghost

I guess the most someone can hope for 

Is to find a place to lay

Someone to tell your secrets to

When the nights get long and blue

Someone strong enough to lean on

When the roses fall away

Strong enough to love you when you’re wrong

Someone strong enough to love you when you’re wrong”

Isn’t that what we all need? So simple and profound…and true. Someone to tell our secrets to who, after hearing them, still loves us. Who is there offering love when we’re wrong? I spend most of my life wrong…or it feels that way. It goes like this….Thinking speaking revising apologizing…speaking minus thinking apologizing revising . Thinking revising remaining silent…(reminding myself not everything I think needs to be verbalized), but then, speaking and apologizing. Some thoughts are better left unspoken…some thoughts are better left unthought too. You’d think I’d be better at the non-speaking part as an introvert.

Along with mind reading we sometimes think the people closest to us should understand when we’re hurtful, maybe we snap at them or roll our eyes at something they say or act impatiently, and we expect them to just forget about it…don’t they know I’m having a hard time? And I didn’t mean anything…she knows that…doesn’t she? Well she should for gods sake!

To all of this, Alex Trabek would have said “the answer is, the stupidest movie line ever.” Oh I know…pick me Alex…”What is Love means never having to say your sorry, Alex.”  I love Jeopardy…I stuck at it but I love it. I do ok if the category is “I Love Lucy” or “Friends.” Anyone old enough to remember the movie “Love Story” with Ryan O’Neil and Ali McGraw probably remembers this horrible, famous, line from the movie. Now my dad has been known to quote it and that has never gone well for him. It’s really only ever worked for Ryan O’Neil and then only because Ali McGraw was dying…probably didn’t have the strength to argue. 

Maybe because my dad quoted this line when I was a kid, I made a point of apologizing to my kids when they were growing up and I made a mistake, which was frequently. Or when I hurt them, which I did more than I ever meant to. To me love means saying you’re sorry, frequently…and not only do I need to say the words I need to show an understanding of what happened and how it impacted you. Otherwise I’ll just mindlessly do the same shit over and over. That’s not to say I won’t do the same thing again, because I am human, but I will understand the impact of my words and actions on you and us, and that understanding changes me…slowly, but it does.

But Let’s Be Real…mind reading isn’t the answer and at the moment it may not be an apology either…what about unconditional love? What about love only being love when it’s unconditional? The love that exists and acts regardless of the other person’s actions… the love that doesn’t keep score and wants the best for you regardless of me…the love that continues when you’re wrong, without counting that it’s the 97^th time I’ve been wrong this week, possibly this day. (And be clear I am not talking about abusive relationships because that is not any type of real love…that’s control, fear, domination…everything not love).The love that gives without expecting something in return. Love that’s not calculated or conniving…or keeping score. Love for loves sake. I love you period.

Because REALLY…it takes strength to love someone even when they’re wrong.  To not keep score. To continue to give and to love unconditionally. To be kind and vulnerable. To change. And don’t you know saying “I’m sorry” takes tremendous awareness and strength…and it should be said freely and frequently. All that matters is how we love people. Because in the end, love always wins.

I think one other time I wrote a blog with this title…well the WTF!? part anyway…I must have felt this way before…I have written about a lot of different relationships, including my relationship with myself…my relationship with pain…how to build relationships and grow them, being present and invested, looking at myself before I blame others. I have shared many of the challenges I’ve faced…things I’ve struggled with and the evolution of my thinking.  I’ve been honest about my reluctant acceptance of circumstances and situations that I don’t want…even if it’s reality…I hope I move to acceptance quicker now…I’m not sure…I think it all depends.

The last two years have been filled with more than the pandemic for me.  I had foot surgery that required a long recovery. I had a revision to my elbow replacement that became infected.  I required three additional surgeries, including one to remove the replacement.  I spent months on IV antibiotics and was sick enough to think I might die.  Not a big dramatic death, just a slow fading away, until you aren’t there anymore.  I got Covid and spent 5 days in the hospital, alone, thinking I might die.  These were stressful months for me and for my family.  I went to the Mayo Clinic where I was told nothing could be done for my failed elbow replacement. Instead I was advised that I would get “used to it.” I was told to have it x-rayed each year to check for further loosening….but my orthopedic surgeon said unless something “catastrophic” happened she would not do anything about it.  In case you’re wondering, I have not gotten used to it.

Last spring I found out I have macular degeneration…WTF?! My dad has it too and he can barely see anymore. I’d be lying if I said I had accepted this information.  I know it, because the doctor told me and she had pictures inside my eyes to prove it…but acceptance involves more than hearing and looking.  Acceptance seems like not being bothered by the information anymore…not caring that I might go blind…but I do care. And it’s not okay with me…hence the not accepting what is reality…oh the patterns we weave…and hang the fuck on to.  I heard someone say once that they never let go of anything that didn’t have claw marks…that’s me.

I am not someone who gets caught up wondering “why me?” generally speaking.  I tend to think “why not me?” in a global, shit happens, kind of way.  But sometimes I want to scream “Seriously!? WTF!?” because it all feels like too much.  Enough already for fuck’s sake!  It reminds me of the cartoon Popeye saying, “I’ve had all I can stand I can’t stands no more” and then he’d squeeze the can and the spinach would fly into the air and land in his mouth…then he was super strong and he’d beat Brutus up and rescue Olive Oil. I have no one to beat up or save….except maybe me.

So all that brings me to WTF!? again…2022…there probably should have been way more WTF!?’s before now. Maybe I just need a rant to release my frustration and anger…maybe I have reached my limit of what I can take…physically…and world wide…politicians who lie and cheat, who care more about lining their own pockets than what the people they represent want.  Prices out of control…a loaf of gluten free bread is over $8!  And I am not gluten free as part of a fad. I have celiac disease so it’s gluten free or puking my guts out.  The pandemic seems to have been forgotten. People are still dying but we don’t talk about it anymore. We pretend that we’re back to normal but there is no normal anymore…there is only before the pandemic and after.  The planet is heating up, glaciers are melting at a record pace. The west is burning and the east is flooding, in between are deadly tornadoes, and we just had a hurricane. The Supreme Court has become the mouthpiece of the extreme right and we are rapidly going backwards…remember the good old days of segregation and slavery? The court wants to revisit interracial marriage, the right to marry who you love, and privacy in our own homes. Christian nationalism is on the rise and so is white nationalism…a radio host said he thinks that abortion is a bigger sin than slavery…are you fucking kidding me? We have election denying politicians running for offices all over the country…National and state races, where they tell people if they lose don’t believe the results but if they win then it’s legitimate.  I’m pretty sure I felt the same way about monopoly when I was 7! If I win, I win and if you win, I win.

And there is war and so much killing. Children are dying, their parents are dying.  Children are starving, their parents are starving. Children in this country are starving…but you can book a ride to space for a mere half a million dollars, that seems like a good use of resources…WTF!? Children are abused and neglected. People are addicted to drugs and are dying. There aren’t enough places, that are affordable, for people to get help.  I know people who need help, we all do. People are homeless…children are homeless…and we don’t have affordable housing. We don’t have help for people with a mental illness. Minimum wage is not a livable wage. 

Why don’t we value all people…women, people of color, the disabled, the LGBTQ+ community, people with housing, job, and food insecurity…which is probably a majority of the country. And speaking of valuing people, Brittney Griner has been illegally detained in Russia since February, 224 days, as I write this. I can guarantee that if this was LeBron or Steph they would be home. She’s a woman, a lesbian…who do we value?

And the cherry on the top of my week was a new ad by Marco Rubio where he actually says that democrats are trying to “indoctrinate” children and trying to “turn boys into girls.” Oh my fucking god!? How can an elected official be allowed to spew lies and not be called out for it? That type of behavior should prevent you from running for or holding any elected office or any government position permanently. There is no evidence to support his claim and it’s a hateful comment to make…because people believe that shit!  It sounds eerily familiar…go back to the days when I was coming out and those same people said that gay people were trying to indoctrinate children and make them gay.  All of those comments display a ridiculous level of ignorance.  And worse than that, it’s hate speech designed to incite people to do something about it…to go after these “people” who are doing the indoctrinating… Hate crimes are at an all time high. It’s not only irresponsible it’s dangerous, destructive, and unbelievably harmful. Spreading intolerance is unacceptable, especially from a US Senator..or any government official, current or in the past.

These same people claim to be “Christian,” really?  That is just one of the reasons I do not and would not ever call myself that word.  It’s become a weaponized word of the right against the left…crazy isn’t it? People like to use religion as a weapon against the LGBTQ+ community. If you think about it, and I did go to seminary, Jesus taught and built a culture of inclusion. Everyone who was made to feel less, he made feel more. Everyone excluded from the table, he included. People like to ask, “what would Jesus do?” as if it’s a big mystery…inclusion, that’s it.  Jesus is not a weapon to use to justify exclusion but an example to follow of a life of inclusion. Gandhi said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

So as my grandmother used to say, “Too bad about them.” You are the expert on you.  No one else is. We create categories to label and define people…to put them in the boxes we say they belong in. No one gets to tell me who I am, not my gender, not my identity, not my sexual orientation…nothing. I know who I am. You know who you are. Instead of fighting over the categories and labels, and worrying about other people’s identities, why not allow people to reveal themselves to you?  They are the expert with all the information. We are the students. It is a privilege for someone to share who they are with us…a tremendous honor, not to be taken lightly. Let’s not destroy people by trying to convince them that we know more about them than they do. When I came out, I made sense to myself for the first time. What a joy and a relief. Let’s let others make sense of themselves and allow them to share that with us…celebrate with them who they are…share the joy and relief…the gift.

I’m not sure ranting is helpful…Maybe…maybe it’s helpful to know someone shares your frustration, your anger, and your exhaustion.  I am tired…I am so tired. And I am angry. And my head is spinning all the time.  There is so much going on in the world, in this country and in our families and individual lives and I can’t turn it off…I struggle to stop my thoughts from running me over all day long…my brain is literally trying to solve the problems of the world all the time…I am tired.

So what to do…Let’s be real…I don’t know. There are things happening here that I never thought I’d see…that I am not prepared to solve…it turns out I’m not able or expected to solve the world’s problems…that’s a relief. Brandi Carlile has a song called, “Party of One” and some of the lyrics say, 

“You should always let the sun go down on your anger.

Let it burn you to sleep….”

I was always taught not to go to bed angry…but what if you let it burn you to sleep? Isn’t burning a refining process? Or a destructive process? Or a branding process? Aren’t we destroyed and remade, refined, renewed all the time? Does the burning bring us to surrender? Because what is left after the burning is what really matters?

People say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…but I prefer to think that what doesn’t kill us makes us kinder. Can I become kinder in the middle of all of this? Kinder to others…kinder to myself. Maybe going to sleep with anger is just being present with how you feel…letting it burn as long as it burns. Not shutting down or searching for a easy fix that doesn’t exist. Let the burn move us to surrender, to allowing. To have what really matters burned into us. Or excess burned away from us…all the games and excuses…coming to terms with the real you…the real me.

I had this magnet of Buddha on my refrigerator and on it Buddha says, “Let that shit go.” I doubt that’s a direct quote but it helps me focus…sort of brings me back to neutral. Maybe if I let anger burn me to sleep I’ll wake up ready to let go.  Maybe that burning is the change I need to break patterns, be changed, refined…more honestly me…just me. Because all I have is me and all you have is you…so let’s be the most authentic versions of ourselves.  That’s what the world deserves…that’s what you deserve…and it’s what I deserve.

Let’s Be Real…it feels like we are at a inflection point in our country….so what to do? Individually I can’t do much, but together…let’s pray for unity, understanding, compassion, kindness, good listening skills…more listening than talking. For less self interest and more everyone else interest. Less fear, more openness…an expanding of everyone’s mind…including, and mostly, my own. For anger to burn us to sleep and leave us with what really matters…love.  Love is always the answer…for real.

So I have this problem…I can’t follow my own orders…I’m stubborn even with myself. June is Pride month and so I want to write about it but I haven’t yet…because other things have been on my mind. Apparently I can only write about the most pressing thing on my mind at the time…it can make it hard to finish my writing because my mind has a lot pressing on it.

I’ve been told that I am too sensitive throughout my life…and so I decided to look it up. The dictionary defines sensitivity as “an awareness or understanding of the feelings of other people.” Now I wonder can anyone ever be too sensitive? Our world is definitely not suffering from people being too aware of or too understanding of the feelings of others. Perhaps this is especially true for members of the LGBTQ+ community. Hate crimes are at an all time high in the LGBTQ+ community, especially the trans community. Hate crimes are disproportionately high in this community…people are seeking us out to harm or kill us. Seriously? I cannot believe I am writing that sentence in this country in 2022! I feel sick and I feel hunted. Remember Pulse nightclub in Orlando? A man sought out members of the LGBTQ+ community to kill at a gay nightclub. Just last week a large group of white supremacists (Patriot Front) were arrested before they could create a riot at a gay pride event in Idaho. These men were dressed in riot gear with shields and had a smoke grenade. We don’t even know the full extent of what they were planning…and fortunately we didn’t have to find out…this time.

The problem with being hunted is that the hunt is always on and nowhere feels safe. Hunters hunt to dominate, control, and have authority over whatever is hunted. That attitude is at the core of so much of the hatred in our country right now. White supremacist’s possess that attitude and they advocate for their belief of the supremacy of a particular group, the white race. Their message is that the white race is supreme and all other races or any marginalized people, such as the LGBTQ+ community, are less than them…subhuman in a word.

Probably 20 years ago I was on the board of the Interfaith Alliance in Denver. At one of the meetings we had broken up into groups and the pastor of the church I attended was with me. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I shared that in every situation, and with every person I meet, I have to decide whether I will let them know that I’m gay. He asked me if that was really true and it was…it still is. I hoped after marriage equality that I wouldn’t feel that way anymore, but I do, especially now. Our country is in a crazy return to the past…the homophonic, racist, misogynistic past.

It’s a lot of pressure and stress to guard who you are until you decide you’re safe to be out…and pray you aren’t wrong. My wife and I just moved to Florida, the capital of openness and equality…right? Meeting new people and being in an unfamiliar place adds to the stress, trying to guage the safety of every situation. I am not a closeted person but I am careful. I am aware that there are people in this country who think I should not be allowed to live. There are countries where I could be executed just for being gay and ours, it has been suggested, should be one of them. That is unfucking-believable! Now I would love to just say “fuck it, I give up” but I love my wife, my family, our friends and don’t want any of them in danger…and I remember Pulse nightclub all the time…so “fuck it” doesn’t work for me.

All of that being said, I am very proud to be gay. I am proud of my wife and the life we have built together. I am proud of my family. I think sometimes people think that gay people would choose not to be gay if they could. I would not. I am proud to be gay and I am happy to be gay. I would not change my gayness for anything. I am a super happy gay! So Pride month is a real thing and a important time to remind myself how happy I am being gay and to let others know I am proud…and there’s the rub…to be out and proud and safe too…or at least not reckless. To be who I am but to follow my gut and my intuition when something doesn’t feel right or someone doesn’t feel safe. The danger in remaining unseen is that no one’s mind gets expanded, no one’s views are challenged, no one learns, no one changes…and then I am hunted forever…out of fear…ignorance…rigidity…fear.

When I first came out I had a best friend and we had been close friends for about 8 years. We were out to dinner for my birthday when she told me that she was angry with me for “choosing” to be gay. I asked her when she had chosen to be straight. She didn’t answer and we weren’t friends anymore. I think she absolutely knew she didn’t make that choice and neither did I. I think the real issue started a couple weeks before our dinner. At the time, I was 33, divorced, with 3 small children and I was wondering if there would be a woman out there who would want to share her life with me. She said I would find someone because “it would be easy to fall in love with you.” I think that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. The moment she acknowledged she could love a woman, me anyway, it was that vulnerability that she couldn’t tolerate. People who fight against the LGBTQ+ community the fiercest are the people who have been with someone of the same sex or they know they could be…or they want to be or they wish they felt like they could be in a same sex relationship. Her fear was of herself, not of me. People’s real fear is of who they are, not who I am.

Let’s be real…sometimes I want to say “fuck it” to the sense of responsibility I feel to be seen and heard and understood. To help people expand their thinking and grow in acceptance…I’m 62 and it’s easy to think “fuck it” let the young lesbians deal with all this…but aren’t we all needed? The sensitive ones, the outspoken, the hopeful, the angry, the frightened, the young and the old. Don’t we all have so much to teach each other? People just need a willingness to listen…and that means we have to speak up, and keep talking. Keep working…keep trying. Keep believing that things can change…people can change.

So happy Pride! Be out, be proud…be safe. And let’s all try and be overly sensitive…it could only help.

A pre-blog message….I know we all feel pressed for time depending on the circumstances of our life or our day. Sometimes I think about listening to a podcast or reading blogs but I don’t have an hour…so that led me to create “Under 10.” Sometimes we need advice, some insight, understanding, to feel heard….we don’t want to be alone…and we want to know others share our struggles and concerns. We need a pack, a tribe…a belonging.

What if you could get that in Under 10 minutes? I don’t have an hour but I have 10 minutes….on the way to the doctor or grocery store or picking up kids from school. My blog and podcast are designed to connect with you for 10 minutes or longer, but 10 is all the time you need…10 minutes to feel…whatever you need to feel…and know that you are heard and understood. I know you’re hurting, maybe confused…you’re sad, angry, hopeless, feeling lost, or maybe found. That’s the new format and I know we can do a lot in Under 10…let’s start with this blog I entitled…

“Some Messy Ass World”

I’ve been working on a blog about Ash Wednesday, which I started almost three weeks ago when Lent started….clearly I’m on the struggle bus with it.. I generally have lots of ideas to write about..lists of ideas…the problem comes when it’s time to write and there’s big news in the world that draws my attention away. Such as…Ukraine. Russia. WTF! What is happening in the world and what is Russia thinking? Maybe no one knows. The news from Ukraine is devastating and the images of bombed buildings and people lying dead on the street are unpalatable. The world seems completely out of control. I find that I can only watch or listen to small bits of news before I sink into a dark abyss. I can’t NOT watch or listen because it’s too important…too devastating. What kind of member of the human race am I if I turn my back to, and my mind off from, the acts of war committed by Russia against Ukraine? I would not be a human being that I could live with…thats for sure.

Glennon Doyle has said, (this is my version of what she said), that she’s not too sensitive…she’s a deeply feeling person in a messy world…me too. I watch the news and can’t eat because I’m sick to my stomach. What kind of person bombs apartment buildings and a children’s hospital and maternity ward? I won’t easily forget the very pregnant mother I saw being carried out on a stretcher…learning later that she had died. She and her baby…when she found out her baby was dying she died too. There are mass graves because so many have died, and are dying, as the bombing continues. There are dead bodies on the street…men, women, and children. Who bombs children? As I ask that question I realize that we have done that…the United States has done that…has bombed areas where there were innocent woman and children. We say it was “collateral damage”…the unintended consequences of war. But bombs are not unintended or accidental…they are very intentional acts of war.

What is happening to make one nation think they can take the land of another nation? Why does any one nation or people decide they know best how another country should be run? We’ve helped remove people from office in other parts of the world….we decided that would be best, like Saddam Hussein. Now, before anyone blows a gasket, I understand that there are people who have done horrific, unspeakable things to their own people throughout history.

When people who had been enslaved in this country were freed they were given land so they could make a living and feed their families…it wasn’t much, but it was something acknowledging their brutal mistreatment. Then we took it back…took all of it back, why?…because we wanted it…so we took it. We took this land from Native Americans. We slaughtered men, women, and children. Women and children were stolen and made the property of white people. Now the have reservations…I’m sure they feel whole from that. Why would I think that my beliefs should be the standard for what everyone else should think? Why are we so afraid of differences? We say we celebrate diversity but really I think we crush it and avoid it…we try and think it out of existence.

I think Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity….well we’re super crazy! WWI, WWII, Hitler, concentration camps, Jewish people killed by the hundreds of thousands, gay people rounded up and murdered, Japanese internment camps, Idi Amin, Vietnam, Korea, Desert Storm, Afghanistan, Iraq, famine, starvation, malnutrition, school shootings, police shootings, murders, sexual assaults, poverty, homelessness…the list goes on and on…and not just us, it’s all over the world. The world has lost its collective mind.

Two of my teenage grandchildren asked me when I became so “peaceful” and said I was like Buddha…not even gonna touch the flaws in that comparison. I told them that I used to have a really quick and horrible temper…sometimes I still do. I told them about a “fight” I had in high school. (I use quotation marks with “fight” because that’s what they do…bunch of smart asses). A girl, who was mad at me from calling a foul on her in PE class, walked by me at my locker and kicked me. I told her not to do it again, so of course she immediately did. I grabbed the neck of her shirt and pushed her into an open locker…now I had no plan past that. As I was holding her against the locker, she punched me in the jaw. Now for the big climax…what did I do? I walked away and went to class…Spanish as I recall. My grandchildren laughed at my “fight” and told me, “Nana that’s not a fight. You left!” Of course I did, I’m not stupid. Although I will say that girl, Ann Vogel, did not come back to her locker the rest of the day and she was never mean to me again. Maybe she scared herself as much as she scared me.

How can the world not be crazy when WE are crazy? We do crazy shit like fighting, shooting, arming ourselves for conflict just to walk down the street. When did we decide to shoot people instead of walking away…or talking to them? When did we decide that if we don’t like you we’ll just kill you? To go into a nightclub and execute members of the LGBTQ+ community? To go into a high school, middle school, an elementary school and slaughter people? To run over or brutally beat people for peacefully protesting?

When did we decide that “our way” was right and everyone else was wrong? How do churches decide they have the authority to dispense “the” truth, which is just what they believe…instructing us about what God thinks and wants? Seems pretty clear from all sources and traditions that God wants us to love and care for each other…Shouldn’t it be simple?

So many have come before us to show us another way…a better way. A way not based on any one religion or ideology but on love…love, kindness, compassion…seeing the basic goodness in people. How far from your own basic goodness do you need to be to bomb people’s homes…hospitals…to bomb pregnant women and children? How could we be that far away…losing touch completely…with our own basic goodness? How do we rationalize that?

All these questions and not one damn answer….I just don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows.
But then…there’s Gandhi…”an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.” HH the Dalai Lama…”where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of peace” and “The way to change others’ minds is with affection, and not anger.” Jesus…”a new commandment I give you: Love one another.” Buddha…”with our thoughts we create the world”…”in this world hate never dispelled hate, only love can dispel hate.” Muhammad…”none of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.” Martin Luther King…”I have decided to to stick to love…hate is too great a burden to bear.”

Tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of the shooting at our King Soopers here in Boulder. A man just walked into the store at 2:30 pm and randomly began shooting people. Ten people were murdered that day. The store was closed for a year and reopened last month. It will close tomorrow in remembrance of those victims. When I heard what was happening last year, I remember hoping and praying that none of my grandchildren were there…that was my first thought…well, first after “what the fuck?!” It felt surreal. Once I knew my grandkids were okay, I set about making sure that all the people that I care about were safe….so many other people did that same search only the results for them were tragic. Who gets shot at the grocery store? Who gets bombed in a children’s and maternity hospital?

So many questions with no clear answers. I heard a Ukrainian journalist, Igor Novikov, on Deadline: White House the other day. He was talking about the war, his concerns for the safety of his family and how overwhelming the entire situation is. Then he said “you can only look at so many pictures of dead children before you realize you can’t do anything about it.” That statement made me want to scream, cry, and throw up. I want to do something about it…I need to because this is intolerable.

The helplessness we feel is hard to stomach…it’s not a feeling that we are comfortable feeling or sitting with. We want it to go away. That desire to be comfortable again can lead us to many misguided and sometimes tragic decisions….those choices may end our suffering for a moment but in the end make everything worse…we get angry in traffic, cut someone off, cause an accident…can’t tolerate a relationship ending so we destroy property or physically harm the person we blame for our pain…cheat at school, at sports, in a relationship and end up with devastating, life altering consequences for yourself and others…we don’t like a particular group of people…we don’t like how they look, what they believe, who they love…we don’t like the way they are “different” than us and so we take violent action against them and destroy many lives, including our own.

This pain, this helplessness and lack of control, that we feel we can’t bear, is the very thing that transforms us…makes us kinder, more compassionate, more accepting and loving…softer. Being softer feels horrible right now…it feels dangerous.

Now to be real…it will never be okay, in any world, to have children dying in war zones or in buildings targeted for bombs. That will never feel okay because it isn’t ok and never can be. I have questions…we have questions that may never be answered…there is no adequate explanation that can reassure us about what is happening right now…there is no reassurance.

That’s a lot in Under 10….a lot of questions…discomfort…fear…guilt…sadness…uncertainty…and the only thing we can do, the only healthy thing we can do is feel all the feelings and allow them to change, soften, and expand us…so we can be more and do better…so we can become the change we want to see in the world…become the kindness, compassion, and love we want to see and feel.

So let’s be real…all I can say is, I don’t know…I can’t explain what’s happening in the world or in this country. I don’t know if anyone can…not really. I do know one thing, what doesn’t kill us can transform us and make us kinder…more compassionate…softer, in all the ways we need…if we let it.

Sit with that.