My pain carefully kept
Outside of myself 
Not really a part of me
An accessory at most
A nuisance
Resisted
Something I face when forced to
Then stuffed back into a corner of myself
Where it festers from lack of attention

I see two parts of myself
The healthy, able me
And the disabled, rejected me
But it’s all me
Parts of the whole
That make me me

The parts I reject
The pain
The fear
The need
The longing
The exhaustion
The despair
Feelings that scare me
Fears rise like a tide
I am not in control here
Clearly control is an illusion
I don’t want to drown
I’m overwhelmed
Maybe it’s too much
Too much to feel
Too much to bear
Too much for me….
How do I bear the unbearable?

An obvious Aha arises…
There aren’t two me’s
I’m not twins
The grief, the loss
The pain, the tears
The joy, the laughter
The love, the generosity
All parts that make me who I am
Parts to embrace, not critique

The big view So often hidden from me
Or rejected by me
Because I want things my way
For my own comfort
I don’t want to embrace what I don’t like
Even if it’s me

The big view
The view that doesn’t go through me
But moves and molds me
Transforms…
Pain into compassion
Loss into kindness
Limitations into vision
Doubts into possibilities
Rejection into love

So here I am
Basically good
Perfectly flawed
Transforming
Becoming who I am

© Karen Raines 2015 All rights reserved

Happy New Year 2019! It’s never too late to say “Happy New Year!”…At least I hope that’s the case. January 2019….how can that be? Another year already…I think it’s true that time goes faster as you get older. I remember my mother telling me that and I see it now. Of course it’s not faster I am just more aware of the passing of time as I get older. I do love the holidays and as anxious as I am to put up holiday decorations the day after Thanksgiving, I am equally anxious to take them down…December 26th. It feels good to have our house back…it almost feels calmer once the decorations are stored away until next year.

For most people, including myself, the New Year brings with it thoughts of resolutions…eat better, exercise more, put the devices down, connect with people…so many things run through my mind at lightening speed. Along with all the ideas comes the desire to really do something this year…something that really matters to me and something that makes a difference in my life and hopefully, the world.

I was reading an old January copy of the Dallas Cowboys Star magazine (I do love the Cowboys and the fact that they finally won a playoff game!) and a writer, Josh Ellis, said something that really struck me. He said, “We set New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, or save money, or read more books, but those are goals – not the means to achieve those goals. What we really should think about when we set those resolutions is the road to reach them. In truth, these are mindsets. We should instead resolve to be more self-disciplined, or to make smarter decisions, or to invest more time in ourselves” (STAR magazine, December 31, 2016).

A mindset change…a new perspective…an opening to something new, different…

So this year my mindset is compassion…compassion first…beginning with myself because that comes the hardest to me. Compassion for myself involves three things initially…to feed my mind, feed my soul, and feed my body. Compassion begins here for me because it involves really caring for myself, recognizing my needs, acknowledging them, and meeting them. Then turning to others and asking, how can I feed the souls, minds, and bodies of those close to me, others I come in contact with, and in my interactions in the world? Hmmm… these are my starting points this new year. What this will look like or what may grow from this or what changes may occur because of a shift in my mindset…I have no idea…but I am eager to learn…well, mostly eager. ☺

I love Christmas. I love the decorations, the lights, the music and giving gifts. I get excited to shop and see if I can find a perfect gift for someone close to me. I love watching our grandkids open gifts…the surprise on their faces, the joy in their eyes.

The last year and a half has brought me some health challenges that required multiple surgeries. I spent most of the year healing, and not feeling quite like myself. After my back surgery my daughter, Amy, came to visit me. While she was here she had a conversation with a friend about Santa Clause. My friend asked Amy about Javon, our 9-year-old grandson, and whether he believes in Santa Claus. Amy explained to her that someone had told him Santa wasn’t real and he had stopped believing until he talked to me and I convinced him Santa is real. I don’t recall this conversation at all but it really struck me…I spent a lot of time thinking about this and I feel like this may have been one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. Not because of Santa himself, although who can resist his rosy cheeks, warm smile, knowing eyes, and infectious laugh. It’s not the man; it’s all he stands for…the mindset if you will….of goodness, kindness, generosity, and compassion. It’s deeply listening, really seeing, knowing, and paying attention to the people close to us. It’s the kindness to reach out to those in need because we all need help. It’s building community wherever we are because we are all so much more alike than different. It’s choosing kindness and compassion first in all of life’s circumstances…because we can. If in any way I helped to instill or nourish that mindset in Javon, then I know I have done at least one good thing this past year.

Happy Holidays!

So here’s the thing about hate – in the current climate of our country sometimes I want to hate. I want to hate a President I don’t agree with, hate the things he does, hate the things he says. I want to hate the people who feel emboldened in their own hateful and divisive speech and behavior. I want to hate them because they hate me for being gay. You hate me and I’ll hate you right back…so there! I know you are admiring my maturity right now…all that’s missing is me sticking my tongue out. 

When I was much younger and living in Denver I had a period of time with no car. I learned the joys of riding the bus during that year. One day I was at a bus stop and I noticed a young man standing beside me. When I looked down I saw that on his jeans he had written, “Kill a fag” and I became very frightened. Frightened that he would know I was gay and that he’d hurt me or kill me. It was a long and scary bus ride. That story reminds me that it’s so easy to hate. It takes no effort at all…I don’t understand you so I hate you…done. I don’t agree with you so I hate you…done. I think you’re stupid, (because you don’t agree with me, of course), so I hate you…done. I wash my hands of you and relegate you to a place where I dismiss you because I hate you. I may even feel proud of hating you, as if it’s the noble thing to do. I don’t need to try with you at all…I don’t try to understand your perspective, your feelings, your history…I just hate you. I hate you and walk away. I hold tight to all the anger that fuels the hate I feel for you.

Then I realized I don’t really hate any of those people…I’m afraid of them…afraid of their power, their actions, their bigotry. It’s so much easier to hate and be angry than to deal with you and my own fear. It may feel easier but it leaves me trapped in a quagmire of fear…immobilized by my own emotions. Buddha is credited with saying, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Buddha did not say that but it’s a good quote anyway. The emotions I bury, ignore, or deny become the emotions that keep me from fully being myself. It turns out that hating you hurts me…crap! Why is nothing simple, the way I want it to be?

I deny, bury, and ignore, the things I am afraid of in myself. If I stay in a place of fear I can ignore and deny you as well…for my own safety…but even that keeps me stuck. The funny thing is, and it isn’t funny it’s annoying, I can’t hate you and love me…I need to sit with that one for a while….

Buddha did say, “”In this world, hate never dispelled hate. Only love dispels hate. This is the law, ancient and inexhaustible.” Hmmm….

Was It Compassion? After my blog last week I was talking with a friend, and she pointed out to me that George HW Bush might have only had compassion when he wanted and with whom he wanted, like his family, his party, perhaps his country….that he may have wanted a “kinder and gentler” America but that was not the experience of him for many people. I understand what she was saying…we did get into a war while he was President, and I am certain there are a hundred things I did not agree with or may have even seen as self-serving, totally lacking compassion.

I have been thinking about this conversation for several days now…and I wonder, aren’t we all like this? Isn’t it easiest to show compassion to those we love and care for already? Isn’t it easy to show compassion when it benefits us in some way? Isn’t that the starting point for each of us? It’s from that place that we grow, (hopefully), if we’re willing, right? Grow to a place where we can show compassion without contemplating our own benefit? We love someone because they love us, or we love someone and they better return our love…we return kindness for kindness…practice a kind of tit for tat compassion…I’ll do it if you do it, and only if you do it.

Don’t we all start out doing what benefits us and grow to a place where we do something because it’s the kind thing to do or we show compassion for compassion’s sake alone? In the Buddhist loving-kindness practice the starting point is feeling compassion for ourselves, (not always easy), and then moving to those we love because that is the easiest place to stir feelings of compassion and loving-kindness. It isn’t hard to feel compassion for someone we love. Those are the people we never want to see suffer. Next we move to those we have no real feeling for one way or the other, and then to those we have a difficult relationship with or consider an enemy. Finally we generate compassion for all beings in the world. That is quite the growth curve. Maybe George HW Bush was at the beginning of his journey to develop compassion…maybe he never moved beyond his family and those close to him. Does that mean his acts were not compassionate? Maybe they were expressing baby compassion?

It’s easy to give and feel compassion for those we love. I adore my wife and can give her compassion all day long without too much effort…I think that probably gets a hearty “Amen!” from my readers…But what about people who look different, (as judged by us), speak a different language, are disabled, have a different belief system, come from a place we feel nervous about, people we feel we do not understand…that is a very different picture. It takes practice, growth, practice, effort, and practice to build compassion and loving-kindness. This shit ain’t easy. Maybe the former President still had room to grow…like I do…maybe he gets credit for his baby steps of compassion…maybe.

Why Compassion First? Why is my motto “Compassion First?’ Why is compassion so important, especially now? This week with the passing of George HW Bush is the perfect time to reflect on those questions.

Watching the motorcade drive President George H.W. Bush’s casket to lie in State at the Capital in Washington DC. It was quite a crowd of people…Supreme Court Justices, members of the Senate and House, both parties, standing side by side, at least acting like they get along. A moment that demonstrates the civility and beauty that is possible in this Country of ours. If only that could be done daily and not just when they is a national loss or tragedy.

I heard a quote from our 41st at his inauguration, where he said he wanted a kinder and gentler America….imagine that…a kinder and gentler America…what does that mean…Compassion first. It means we expect the best from each other and not the worst. It means we give people the benefit of the doubt and look for the basic goodness in each of us. It means we look for similarities and common ground between us, and not grounds for division. It means treating people with respect and kindness whether we agree with them or not.

George HW Bush and I did not agree on much politically but I am as touched and moved by his passing as anyone…and I will miss him and his graceful leadership of kindness and compassion.

Fall is upon us. I’ve seen pictures of the trees in the mountains that have already begun to change colors. This summer was so hot so fast I felt a bit overwhelmed by it and pretty unappreciative of the heat. Fall is my favorite time of year. All the beautiful trees and their displays of color, cooler temperatures (that require socks), the chill in the air, walking on crunchy leaves, and of course, FOOTBALL! Go Cowboys! (Even though last week was hideous…we still love ‘em).

Summer brings a faster pace of life with longer days and inevitably later nights. There is so much to do with all that extra daylight. For me fall is a time to slow down and focus on what needs to be done before the winter hibernation.  I feel more clarity in the fall. Fall is also a time of letting go of what we no longer need. The trees shed their leaves and I contemplate what I need to shed. That frequently brings some resistance because I tend not to be a fan of change…mostly.  I look at nature for guidance. Trees shed and grow easily in the cycles of their lives. There is an ebb and flow to their lives and to ours. I look to be in that flow and notice what may be blocking the natural flow in my life. Am I clinging to anything that is pushing me out of my flow? It’s the equivalent of cleaning the gutters on your house…it’s a pain but if it isn’t done then there may be consequences that we don’t like, such as, flooding and damage to our house.

I have included a poem I wrote about my vision of Fall called, Hanging By A Thread.

As I look at the last signs of fall My eye is drawn to you

The last leaf on an oak tree

Hanging on by a thread

Although I often describe myself as hanging on by a thread

I am struck by our differences

I cling and you let go

I resist and you fall freely into the unknown

Connected to your basic “isness”

The energy of the Earth

Not striving to be anything other than you are

Content as you are, until you aren’t

You aren’t afraid of change

You embrace each phase of life

A cycle that is unending

You aren’t devastated by the idea of falling

Fretting over what comes next

You just are

You are there until you’re not

Content with the process that I resist

The process that moves forward whether I like it or not

One last leaf hanging by a thread

Precarious to me

Home for you

(Copyright Karen Raines, 2017.  All rights reserved)

Children….there is so much to learn from them and their innate wisdom. Now I do not always see them as wise but even in their resistance, failure to listen, toy throwing, or whatever it is…they show me clearly all my buttons. The situations that arise or interactions that don’t go as I planned and I get emotionally hooked. Trying to get everyone to lunch and someone stomps their foot and refuses to move…I can be so impatient and I hate having it pointed out by a toddler…very humbling….or annoying. ☺ Making lunch only to be told “No, no chicken”…where is the gratitude? Where are my head, heart, and emotions that I do anything with the expectation of gratitude? Or that I act loving with the condition that love will be returned to me, and the way I want it…of course. Temper tantrums, crying, I can be very intolerant.

Everything is new to a child…new situations, new people, new toys, so many things to discover, so many situations to experience, and they are eager to greet each day, hungry to learn. That eagerness to experience each day fully can be lost. I hear people describe their day as part of the “daily grind”…that doesn’t sound fun and exciting. Who is eager for that? That makes each day feel like a chore rather than a gift.

Most mornings when I wake up I check the time and then groan if it’s around 6:00…time to get up. One of my first thoughts is usually that I’m tired…that isn’t very seizing the dayish at all. I mentally go through the list of 20 things I need to accomplish in this day and shake my head because it cannot be done. I feel defeated and I have not even gotten out of bed. I want every day to be Saturday or Sunday so I can just do, or not do, as I please…apparently I really want to be a Queen…my “people” would take care of all the daily mundane things because I could not be bothered. I wonder though if I would sincerely enjoy that…not participating fully in my life…not being all in for everything.

So I am starting my day differently…re-training myself to develop a new habit. When I wake up, I still check the time, but then I say to myself, “What do I get to do today?” That shift from drudgery to discovery changes my mindset each day. I get to spend my day with toddlers! Yes there are diapers, tantrums, biting, hitting, throwing toys, but there is also wonder, joy, love, laughter, discovery, and lots of play. What more could I ask for in a day?

I am not sure what I was doing in 1979…college…hmmm…. anyway I have no recollection of an eclipse. Happily this year I do. I’m not sure in the future I’ll remember the date of this eclipse (unlike my grandson who is already planning for 2024!) but I was out there with my glasses watching with wonder as the moon meandered in front of the sun. The sky was darker, the temperature dropped noticeably and I waited to see if my dogs would freak out but they didn’t notice anything…played through the whole thing….such unobservant creatures…just like me.

While I was quietly watching the eclipse, I was thinking about all the warnings I heard about protecting your eyes. If you watched the eclipse without the proper eyewear you could permanently damage your eyes and not even know it at the time…apparently our retinas don’t have any feeling…so you could basically fry the crap out of your eyes and not know for a couple days…then your vision would become blurry, and it could be permanent. Now if you ignored all the warnings and looked at the sun anyway, get yourself to the eye doctor right away! I am momentarily stepping in for the moms of the world chastising whoever needs it…we moms think it has to be done. 😉

Then I began to consider the eclipse as a metaphor for anything we don’t want to deal with in our lives. We had an abusive childhood, a nasty divorce, troubles in a relationship, a lost job, mental health issues we’re afraid of, health issues we won’t acknowledge, difficulties with our children, substance abuse issues…the list could go on and on…anything that stirs strong emotions in us that we don’t want to deal with. We take all those things and burry them…we take them out of the light of day and tuck them away into a dark place…a place we need special eyewear to uncover…or bravery, support of friends, or a therapist…or just fearlessness. The longer we keep these things buried the more powerful they become and the more capable of frying our eyes, or so we believe.

We put our deepest secrets and fears and traumas away in a dark place where we hope to never see them again. Then we go on our way as if they have no effect on us or our lives not noticing the pain of looking at the darkness because our retinas don’t have nerve endings…we numb ourselves…we don’t feel the pain…until one day something happens that triggers us and our eyesight is gone and we have a real crisis on our hands. We have waited too long and have potentially caused ourselves permanent damage or at least created a boiling tragedy in our lives…and we enter crisis mode trying to figure out what to do. The crisis is completely avoidable if we wear our glasses and look at the darkness.

The final straw for each of us is different. For me it was dealing with chronic pain and being physically disabled…in the reality of my body and officially. That label haunted me and I avoided it for years…and caused myself tremendous physical and emotional pain…and that was only the final straw…there are many other straws to choose from.   At the time I did not see any of the eventual damage I only saw my blinding fear and ran from it far and fast.

The things we resist in our lives become stronger the more we resist them. The stories we believe about whatever we are unwilling to deal with become the truth we subscribe to and live out…they also become the limitations we live with…our vision isn’t so great since we fried our eyes. The good news for us all is that, unlike with the eclipse, which might cause permanent damage, we can heal and be well. We can face whatever the darkness is and recover from it. No matter how big the secret, damage, or trauma we can heal ourselves by bringing it into the light and facing it. Now we may need help with this task and certainly it’s wise to consult a professional if you need some help sorting it all out…the discernment to do that is wisdom and strength…much like wearing the protective eyewear rather than taking a foolish risk.

Perhaps it’s time to open that closet, dust off those skeletons, look at them, and if they aren’t needed anymore let them go. Perhaps we even embrace a skeleton or two as we recognize those events, painful as they may have been, helped us become the person we are…and although they don’t define us they are a piece of us. This personal eclipse doesn’t require physical glasses only the eyes of compassion, the desire to see clearly and fearlessness to keep moving forward.

Buddha said, “We are what we think.  All that we are arises with our thoughts.  With our thoughts we make the world.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “Great people are those who see that thoughts rule the world.”  Milton added,  “The mind is its own place and in itself can make heaven of hell or a hell of heaven.  Shakespeare agreed saying, “There is nothing either good or bad except that thinking makes it so.”  

Our minds are a powerful tool.  They can help us reach our greatest potential or become the baggage that weighs us down and keeps us stuck.  If we see the world as a friendly place that is full of opportunities, it will be.  If we find it frightening and dangerous, it will be.

Understanding our mind, and the nature of our interactions is the foundation of Contemplative Relationship Coaching.  If we can see the possibilities we can create the opportunities and outcomes we desire.

Joseph Campbell said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.  At Endless Possibilities, we work to provide opportunities for you to become fully who you are and reach your highest potential.