When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll wake up early…before sunrise
And I’ll feel happy for a moment
I’ll forget for just a second
And in that instant the world will feel right
My heart will feel whole
Then I’ll remember you’re gone
And my heart will shatter…again
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll read while I have my tea
And I’ll try to write
I’ll miss you…and I’ll cry
My words will feel hollow
And I won’t know what to say
I’ll wonder what I have to offer the world
When mine is in a million little pieces
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll think about your brother and sister
I’ll worry…and I’ll cry
I’ll want to be here for them
But I doubt my abilities
I see them heart broken…and I want to fix it
I’ll be afraid
And wish I could keep them tethered to me
Because maybe if they’re always with me
I can protect them
I let you go…like a parent is supposed to
Trusted you in the world
Trusted the world with you
And the world took you from me
You died
I don’t want them to die
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll be expected to function
To be a productive human
I’ll just want to stay in bed
Pull the blankets over my head
Shut the world out…for a minute
One moment not to feel…to just forget
When you’re not here tomorrow
The world will continue to turn
People will talk and laugh
Make plans for the day…for the future
How can they do that…when you aren’t here
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll find myself wondering when you’ll be back
And I’ll choke on Never
I won’t be able to text you
And you won’t call to tell me stupid jokes
And remind me that’s what you do with your time now
Because you aren’t drinking…and I’ll believe you
I always believed you
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll feel guilty…and I’ll cry
Guilty I couldn’t make you stop drinking
Guilty I couldn’t save you
And I really wanted to
I’m your mom
I’m supposed to protect you
That’s my job
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll wake up and wonder what’s missing
Why I feel like I lost something
And I’ll remember I did…you
There’s a You shaped hole in my heart
In my life…and I’ll cry
Because for now it’s me without you
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll wake up to your pictures all around me
And I’ll smile…I miss you
I’ll take the heart out of my pocket
The heart with your ashes in it
The heart that is always in my pocket
The heart I kiss every time I hold it
I’ll tell you I love you
And I do…I always will
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll think about spreading your ashes
And realize I can’t
I can’t let you go
It’s too much to ask of me
When you’re not hear tomorrow
I’ll think of you when I hear a song you loved
I’ll smile when a movie makes me cry
And I know you would have too
I’ll chuckle because you cried at everything
That’s just one of the things I loved about you
Your sensitive and kind heart
And I’ll cry
When you’re not here tomorrow
The world will continue to turn
And I will have to figure out
How to turn with it
How to adjust
Or maybe the world could adjust to me
At some point I’ll move forward
For now, I can’t see how
But wherever I’m going
You will always be with with me
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll miss you
I’ll think about what I’d give for one more day
One more moment to be with you
To see that smile
To watch you cracking up with laughter
To hear you say I love you mom
For the chance to say
I love you too…so much
When you’re not here tomorrow
I’ll remind myself I’m grateful I was there
I was with you for your last breath
Just like I was for the first
I’ll be grateful that you knew I was with you
I needed you to know
And I’ll remind myself that grieving is part of loving
The worst part…the heart shattering worst
But I will love you forever
Kai Raines 