Finally pregnant after years of frustration
Bursting with joy
Filled with dreams of who my baby would be
Who they would become….
Mary did you know you’d be told that you were having a baby
Did you wonder about the baby you would give birth to
Who he would be
Or were you just in shock
Terrified at the circumstances of your pregnancy
Frightened of what the future might hold…for both of you
Mary did you know how to raise a child
I didn’t…maybe that’s why humans start as babies
So, we have a chance to learn as we go
Were you amazed when he was born
I was…she was so small…so perfect
It was so scary and so wonderful
Mary did you ever feel like a failure
Like you weren’t equipped to raise another human
Did you worry that you were just a child…raising a child
That you were learning to be a parent while you were parenting
Figuring it out as you went along
Mary did you know what adolescents are like
I didn’t…I thought I did
There’s no knowing until you have one
Did your baby yell at you
Tell you he hated you
Did he disobey and challenge you on everything
Did you realize how little control you have over your children as they grow up
Were you overwhelmed…I was
Were you scared of who he might become.
That he might harm himself by the choices he made
Mary did you know the sacrifices you’d be asked to make
Sleepless nights with an infant
Sleepless nights with an adolescent
Wondering if they’d make it home safe
Prayers thrown out as a security net
But there is no security net
Mary did you know you would watch your baby die…I didn’t know
Did you know he would be so young…she was so young
That you’d be there for his last breath…I was there for hers
Did you know your heart could shatter in an instant…a million little pieces
Like mine
Did you know that prayers wouldn’t matter
He was going to die…she was dying
I couldn’t stop it
With all my heart I wanted to stop it
Did you know you would wake up every morning
And for an instant forget he was dead…I forget
And then reality knocks me on my ass…again
Mary did you know it’s impossible to let them go
I can’t let her go
I want another day…another hour…one more minute
Did you know there are no words to describe the pain…the loss
I have no words…no adequate words
Did you feel like you would drown in your despair…seems possible
Did you see a way past the heartache
I have never felt so sad
Did you get over his death…move on with your life…I didn’t think so
I can’t get over her death
It is impossible to just move on
You didn’t either did you…I know
He was your son
She was my daughter
Did you want to scream when he was mentioned using the past tense
Me too…she’s still my daughter
Mary did you know your grief would be overwhelming
Too enormous for one person to bear
The worst moment of your life
The worst moment of mine.
Mary, if you had known it all
Would you still have said yes…me too
I wouldn’t trade one moment with her
Not one memory
Did you think about all his “firsts”
I did…her first smile, her first step, first laugh, first words
Mary did you know the world could fall apart in an instant…and bury you
Did you learn it can’t be pieced back together…not like it was
The bottom drops out…and there you are groundless
Did you know your child can be fine and then be dead…actually dead
Children don’t die before their parents…ours did
I didn’t know
Did you know that people go on with their lives
Like nothing happened.
How can they
When I don’t recognize the world now…not my world
And I can’t see my life without her
Mary did you know you’d have to rebuild your life…without him
Me without her
Did you know how his siblings would hurt…and that you can’t fix it for them…or yourself
This cannot be fixed
Did you fear life would never be okay again…I do
Did your world stop with his “lasts”
His last touch, last look, last words…his last breath
Her last breath
Did your world crumble when he died…she died
Mine did
Mary did you know…I didn’t either
Kai Raines 