Fuck 2026
My oldest daughter, Jessica, is an alcoholic. She started drinking at 13. We’ve tried everything to get her to quit…to help her. She just couldn’t do it. I know she tried. I think she wanted to quit but living without drinking was unbearable for her. I don’t know why.
Over the years I started thinking that I was just waiting for the phone call to tell me she had died. I thought that meant I was prepared. Nope.Turns out I wasn’t the tiniest bit prepared when the call came that I needed to come to Colorado because she was really sick and in the hospital. Was not ready for that.
Because here’s the thing…children are not supposed to die before their parents. Not if they’re 40…not if they’re 100. 40 is a baby. 40 is my baby. 40 and 5 months.
I look at her, stroke her cheek. I tell her I love her and that she’s ok. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Then I realize that soon I won’t be able to look at her anymore. I won’t see her blue eyes or her smile. I won’t hear her tell a funny story…and she is so fucking funny. I won’t hear her laugh. All of that will be gone. She’ll be gone. What will the world be like without her in it? That’s something I never wanted to know. It feels unbearable.
I was with her when she was born…obviously. And now I’ll be with her when she dies. My baby is dying. That 9-pound 4 oz miracle is about to leave this world. And I’m supposed to let her go. How can I be expected to do that? Why would I even consider doing that? Because it’s best for her. Because I don’t want her to suffer. How can it be best for her to be gone…to leave her family and friends…to leave her dad…to leave me? I want to be the best thing for her…not death.
So, fuck 2026…at least for now. The year that began by shredding my heart into a bazillion pieces. It’s January 2nd. Although it’s true I wouldn’t trade a single moment I’ve shared with her…the joy, the laughter…even the struggles and the pain. All that makes up a life, hers, and mine. I feel so grateful I’m her mom. I’m not ready to be done. I’m not sure I can let go. She’s just a baby.
Love really is the answer to all the questions. I am seeing firsthand that in the end all that matters is how we love people. I love her so much.
Kai Raines 