Depression is a funny thing…well, not exactly funny…interesting. I had a friend years ago who lectured me about how people take “happy pills” to avoid dealing with life. Taking the easy way out, according to her. She made her comments before she knew I took an antidepressant. I felt offended and I let her know. She had no personal knowledge about antidepressants; she just had opinions. I explained that depression is generally caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain and that imbalance will not correct itself on its own. If you do not have an imbalance then an antidepressant will not do anything for you. That’s what my doctor told me. It’s not that simple and there can be other causes but explaining it all will take too long and way too many words…and I am not a doctor. Depression is complicated.
Taking an antidepressant is not an easy way to anything because people, like my friend, are very judgy about it. They think you are weak or crazy. Why can’t you just be happy, they ask, and then accuse you of trying to escape your life or reality. What they do not understand is what it feels like to be depressed, clinically depressed. It is awful.
Over 29% of adults have reported having a diagnosis of depression at some point in their lives. Over 21 million people are affected by depression each year. Depression affects women more often than men. During the pandemic there was an increase in depression. That makes sense. Four out of ten people reported being depressed or anxious during Covid 19. I’m surprised it’s not ten out of ten. That shit was scary and hard. The number of depressed individuals increased 60% between 2013 and 2023, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. And you are more likely to be obese if you are depressed and more likely to be depressed if you are obese. That’s fucked up. The symptoms of depression include, severe and persistent low mood, a sense of despair, decrease in energy, changes in level of functioning, weight gain or loss, without dieting, difficulty getting out of bed, problems with concentration, sleeping, and energy. And a decrease in your sense of self-worth. Depression is the most common cause of disability in this country.
There is a genetic component to depression as well. In my family, my grandmother was depressed. My mom was depressed. My children have dealt with depression, as well as people in my extended family. And I understand that my great grandmother was most likely depressed. She would “take to her bed” for days at a time. I’m not sure about my grandma but my mom did the same thing. We were in trouble when she went to bed and shut the door.
Anger is not listed as a primary symptom of depression, so I was surprised…well, surprised in hindsight…that it was a symptom for me. As close as the DSM V, the Bible of mental illnesses, comes is irritability. Well, I was irritable too. I just didn’t realize it until I wasn’t anymore.
Medication is not a quick fix, and it does not just make you happy. I have done my share of therapy over the years…there are therapist happily retired with my financial help. And I worked through a ton of shit. I am still working through issues…on and on they go. What an antidepressant has done for me is help me return to a place of caring about my life and wanting to deal with shit…deal with life. They helped me feel like myself again. Allowed me to get out of bed and engage with the world. Take care of myself and whoever or whatever else I needed to.
My wife, Gayle, and I have been married almost 14 years and been together 17. One of the things I love most about her, about us, is how easy it is to be together. We get along great. I never get tired of her company. She is my best friend. I see her first thing every morning and last thing every night and I wouldn’t want it any other way. There is a comfortable and familiar flow to our relationship…it’s easy…usually.
I have written about the past couple of years and my wife traveling between Colorado, where we used to live, and Florida, our current home, for work. She traveled and I traveled. She flew and I drove. Then we drove. I made several road trips to Colorado to spend time with her, more than a week, because the separation was hard. Then Gayle retired in November, and she is in Florida permanently. We still drive to Colorado when we want to visit but we do it together.
After she was home, we noticed ourselves being irritable with each other. We have felt that before and recognized it as a settling back in with each other period…getting used to each other again. During our time apart we developed our own way of doing things…different from each other. For example, she ate dinner way later than I did. She ate different food, cooked differently than the way we did it before. She loaded the dishwasher differently…small, stupid things that did not feel small or stupid. We felt distant…I felt a distance between us.
I like to think of myself as laid back and easy going. I like to think it, but thinking does not make it true. Too bad. I tend to take things very personally, even when they are not personal. I do this even though, in the book The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, the second agreement is not to take anything personally. Followed by do not make assumptions. Check and check. I do both. I try so hard.
So, these little conflicts became ginormous in my mind. Ginormous and personal. And I became irritable, disagreeable…angry. I was angry that things were not the same. Nothing felt particularly easy. And I became paranoid, convinced that she didn’t love me anymore. That she was tired of me. My mom used to tell me that people got tired of me. I thought it happened with my wife. And I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I asked her and, even though she said she did, I didn’t believe her.
Now the real fucked up thing about this was that I didn’t realize I was angry. I thought she was mad at me all the time. Hence the conclusion she did not like me. For the first time I thought she might leave me…I mean how many more years are you going to spend with someone you don’t even like. That is a rhetorical question. I heard the words she’d say to me as accusations, condemnations, or criticisms. I felt like I was no longer good enough for her…like she wasn’t happy with me anymore. I was not bursting with happiness either. Now let me be clear, this was all happening internally…mostly. It seemed like she was snapping at me all the time. I felt like nothing I did was right. I’m certain she was not getting warm fuzzies from me either.
Several months earlier I had stopped taking my antidepressant. I talked to my doctor about it and told her I didn’t think I needed it anymore. I wasn’t depressed. With her cautious okay I weaned off it. And I was fine. I noticed a few times I felt sad but then I had some reasons for sadness. It seemed like a proper response to circumstances. Sometimes I would question myself about whether my feelings were a sign of depression…but I assured myself they were not. It’s possible I needed a second opinion.
Then I experienced a situation with a friend who was really depressed. They were sad about lost relationships, afraid of being alone, hopeless, and isolated. And I saw them struggle to feel normal…to be happy again. They were so depressed…the kind of depression that makes you want to stay in bed and be left alone, permanently. That scared me. It scared me enough to start taking my antidepressant again. Because of them I saw myself differently…through the lens of fear. Fear that I could end up at that same place…again.
Antidepressants take a couple of weeks to work. In the past when I had gone on medication I remember not really noticing whether the medication was working until some random day when I realized I was happy again. This time my realization was that I wasn’t angry anymore. I felt like myself again. And things with my wife were normal again…easy. The flow was back.
What changed? Did my wife finally realize that I was right about everything? That’s funny. So, what changed? I did. I had my random moment and realized I was happy again. When the happiness arrived, the anger departed. Or rather I let the anger go. I guess in my insecurity I was clinging to it before…I couldn’t see any other way to feel. I felt justified in my anger. It’s hard to let it go when you feel justified.
But now…now I saw a new, clearer perspective. One less centered in my ego. Ego’s kind of suck. I took a step out of my mind…not to be confused with being out of my mind. My mind had focused on all the ways nothing was my fault, or more accurately, my responsibility. Everything was someone else’s fault. Their responsibility. My ego was in overdrive. Placing blame away from myself. And I was not really looking to blame…maybe I was. I didn’t mean to be. I was hurt. I was hurting. I felt lost and alone. I told my daughter that I felt insignificant and invisible. She told me that was my past trauma speaking because no one who knows me feels that way about me.
Growing up I felt like I had to fight to be seen, to be heard…to matter. And so often I wanted to be invisible because it felt safer. But that’s not true anymore. As long I remain open, I am seen, heard, understood, and I am loved…liked even. The only time that’s not true is when I shut down. When I am no longer willing to receive, no longer willing to give.
Andrea Gibson, the poet, said that a music box is still a music box even if the lid remains closed. Of course, it can’t fulfill its purpose without opening. Aren’t I the same? Aren’t we all the same? I can’t fulfill my purpose or have the depth of relationships I’m meant to without opening. What stops me from opening…from being vulnerable? Oh, wait I know. Fear. Fear fucks everything up. Fear and my ego…stupid dumb ego.
How can I tune in to my heart and stop listening to my mind and my overactive ego. It’s easy to blame other people for our circumstances, for our feelings but it’s not their fault. It’s mine. I’m responsible for my actions. I’m responsible for my feelings. No one makes me feel anything. And guess what? All of that is true for you too. Surprise! We have all kinds of choices. No two people react the same in a situation because of all those choices. Freedom and all that crap.
It’s easy to get caught up in the emotion of a moment and lose sight of our choices. To surrender our reactions to just that, reacting. Allowing emotions to carry me away from my ability to choose…to choose to respond rather than react. I would like to think I was fighting for our love by arguing…fighting for us. I fear that I was arguing to lash out…not really that. Fighting as much with myself as with Gayle. Feeling unhappy with her because I was unhappy with me. I guess taking my fears out on her…without clueing her in. Without clueing myself in. I didn’t know.
Now I’m not just trying to blame myself for everything…I’ve done that many times. Burying my needs or feelings to end a conflict quickly. Conflict is uncomfortable. And I don’t like it. I was raised to blame myself. But this is how the situation looks to me now…in hindsight. I wish hindsight could come before I make a mess of something. I can see things differently than I did before. That’s with the help of my antidepressant. I can examine my behavior. I can look at not just what I’m doing it but why. And I can change it. I can voice my needs and my feelings. I can decide what I can do for myself and what I want to ask from someone else. Then they have their own choices to make. There is no choice where there is no understanding and no understanding unless I communicate. That scares me too. It’s me being vulnerable…again.
So where am I going with all of this? Excellent question. There is so much love available to us if we can keep the lid of our music box open. If we take the risk of being vulnerable. If we allow ourselves to be seen…to be known. And that is scary. Vulnerability is scary.
We miss out on life if we are unwilling to open to it. Sometimes we need medication to help us. I’m grateful for my medication. Sometimes we need therapy…or both. Always we need each other…always. Communication is the key to our relationships. It’s the best gift we can give each other. Because in the end all that matters is how we love people…show your love by communicating and connecting. Love will win…it always does. Even if you have to serpentine to get there.
Kai Raines 