When I think about Valentine’s Day I don’t think much about love or how to love well. Cupid, arrows, hearts, chocolates, romantic dinner, roses, diamonds…well, I actually never think about diamonds. Anyway, I think about stuff, the stuff of Valentine’s Day. Eric Fromm has a book called The Art of Love, and in it he says that is love is an art and that like developing any art it takes knowledge and effort.
How much effort do we really exert for love? Hallmark would have us believe that a dozen outrageously priced roses, a card, maybe some candy on February 14th is enough…but is it really? And for how long? And knowledge, that implies not only effort but work…study, growing in understanding and ability…do I seek knowledge about love? About how to love? How to love the best I can?
If love is an art, then we have to learn how to love. How to love other people and how to love ourselves as well. Both are an art.
People feel left out on Valentines Day if they don’t have a significant other. They may be sad and feel as though they are missing out somehow. But why not love ourselves today? When is the day when we celebrate how well we love ourselves? How we know and meet our own needs? How we consistently show ourselves that we are here for ourselves? Because no one takes as good of care of me as I do, and I don’t expect anyone to. What if we all felt like that? It’s my job and my privilege to love myself just like it is to love someone else. Why don’t we celebrate that?
I have a wife I adore, and I love romance and I love to romance her. If my expectation is that February 14th is enough to fill the love well, I am sadly mistaken. Love is a practice and a choice. A daily practice and a daily choice…to love anyone and to love myself.
I have been reading the book The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. One of the assignments each week is to plan an artist’s date with myself. Make time to do something I want to do, something playful and fun. Know what I’ve done the last four weeks? Avoid that fucker like the plague. What do I want to do that’s playful and fun? Ok, besides go to the beach, what do I want to do that’s playful and fun? What’s playful to me? I feel like since Covid I’ve lost a lot of my sense of playfulness. I’m kind of a serious person anyway…I like to think I’m lighthearted and fun but I’m not…I am capable of fun though and I love to make people laugh. Anyway, Covid really caused the seriousness in me to explode. It’s understandable because it’s been a difficult time, and there’s so much more than Covid going on in our world. But can I play anyway? Can I enjoy my life and the people in it? Can I find moments to be lighthearted? Can I allow myself fun? And fun on my own…and what would that be?
I need to know myself well enough to know what I enjoy and how to have fun. Just as much as I need to know how to comfort myself and meet my needs. I need to remember fun is a need…I need to play. I work hard, think hard, study hard, write hard, REALLY think hard,…I need to play hard…or maybe play soft to start…ease into it. No one can be all business all the time. I need to relax and enjoy this one short, precious, human life that I’ve been given. Much like we can’t love others if we don’t love ourselves, I’m not sure we can play with someone else if we can’t play with ourselves…and yes, I know exactly what that sounds like, but I feel confident you all know exactly what I mean…and whatever play you need, only you know.
So let’s be real…We tend to think of the problem with love as being loved, not as loving. I think if we focused on loving well, we would find ourselves being loved more completely and in more satisfying ways. Our ego controls so much of how we frame things…if you loved me then I could easily love you. How can I meet your needs when you don’t meet mine? It’s always all about us, even when we try and frame it differently. Maybe even if you loved me I could love myself, but nothing is stopping me from loving me except me.
So today let’s celebrate our ability to love ourselves and to recognize and meet our own needs. If I need flowers or candy then I can give myself that gift, lovingly and I can feel loved, fully. I can’t love anyone else if I can’t love me…so I’m going to celebrate my ability to love myself…to know myself and care for myself. I’m also going to celebrate my ability to relax and play. To enjoy time with myself and to have fun with myself. All of that grows and enhances my ability to love anyone else. The best partner I can be comes from loving myself the best I can. If I can meet my needs then I can see yours and possibly meet them too. Loving me makes me a better friend, a better partner, a better human being. And isn’t that the goal?
Happy Valentine’s Day! Go on and love yourselves today, and everyday…because all that matters is how we love others and ourselves. Love yourself today and every day…you’re worth it…we all are. ❤️
Kai Raines 