I found out about 8 months ago that I have Age-Related Macular Degeneration, also referred to as AMD. Now I would define AMD as “the macula of your eye gets fucked up…blah, blah, blah, whatever…and I could lose my vision.” That’s my definition because it gets right to the point for me…I could lose my vision. Now a doctor might be more clear in saying that Age-Related Macular Degeneration is a problem with the part of your retina called the macula. With AMD you lose your central vision but can still see peripherally. Apparently, it’s the leading cause of vision loss in people 50 and older. My dad has it so we go to the Retina Institute together, every four months, for check ups. I guess AMD can cause significant changes very quickly and so it has to be closely monitored. My dad has advanced AMD and cannot see much at all. I get so scared every time I see the doctor. Yesterday at our appointment she said, “Wow! That’s quite a family history. Yikes!” I did not feel great about that comment, but for now my eyes are fine, and I am taking a breath.
I wonder if I lose my ability to see will I lose my vision? And what if I lose my vision, can I still see? To “see” means, “perceive with the eyes, discern visually; to be aware of; recognize.” One the other hand, “vision” means, “the faculty or state of being able to see; the ability to think about or plan the future with imagination or wisdom.”
Now these definitions got me thinking about the movie “The Wizard of Oz.” Two of the characters needed organs, a heart and a brain, and then the character trait of courage for the lion. If there had been one more character, maybe a hawk, would it have needed eyes, or to see, or vision? The tin man already had a heart, which he realized when it was breaking. The scarecrow had a brain, he just doubted his intelligence. And the lion mistook courage for fearlessness, as in the absence of fear. Real courage is moving forward even when we’re afraid…and he did that, wicked witch and all. Dorothy also realized she already had everything she needed and wanted…she just hadn’t recognized it. It was all there but she couldn’t see…even though there was nothing wrong with her eyesight.
Let’s Be Real…You can have 20/20 vision and not see what’s right in front of you, like the tin man, scarecrow, lion, and Dorothy, or can you see perfectly and have no vision. How is it that we really see, perceive, and have vision? I believe the answer is, to be still and know…be still. In the moments we quiet ourselves we know…we know what we see and we understand our vision. We may physically see with our eyes but our vision comes from our heart. We think our perceptions are based on what we see but they are shaped and influenced by all we think, fear, believe, understand…everything about us shapes how we perceive. Our eyesight, or vision, is never as simple as what is physically in front of us. Everything is interpreted by who we are and how we understand ourselves and the world around us.
I wonder when I can’t see, will I still be able to see my wife? Will I be able to see myself? I think we have to see to know, and know to love…will I still see? I can lose my vision but I will always see my wife…the loss of my sight won’t affect my vision of her. I know my wife…I know and see and love her.
To see is to recognize. There is so much more to recognizing than what my eyes perceive. I recognize the sound of her voice, the smell of her perfume, the feel of her skin, the sound of her footsteps. Those recognitions remain with or without eyesight.
We can learn to see without looking. I can close my eyes and see every inch of her face…her smile, those sparkling blue eyes full of mischief and warmth, the crinkle of her nose when she laughs, the shape of her face, her eyebrows, that beautiful soft skin, her lips, especially when she purses them together trying not to laugh…Blindness cannot ever take those visions away from me. They are permanently part of me. I know her by heart.
I am still and I know. I know her by heart and I know me by heart. I know my vision and it has nothing to do with my eyesight. The things that matter most to me I see with my heart. Regardless of my eyesight my heart will go on and on. I will see and imagine. I will maintain my vision. My vision is my hearts longing…what I know to be my heart’s true task. The work that is mine to do. My vision does not reside in my eyes. My vision is in my heart. It’s the core of who I am and who I want to be.
Let’s be real…blindness can’t ever change what I know. Be still and know. Ultimately love wins…it always does. I know.
Kai Raines 