I’ve been thinking a lot about a quote I read this week from Marianne Williamson. In her book A Return To Love she says, “Any situation that pushes our buttons is a situation where we don’t yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving….Love isn’t love until it’s unconditional….”
Now maybe you’re like me in thinking that anything you do (because let’s be clear, it’s your fault) that pushes my buttons, well, you better stop that! What’s wrong with you pushing my buttons? You know it’s a button for me…that’s so mean of you…you get the idea. And I do not think I am alone in this way of thinking or the mindset that says “if you love me you should be able to read my mind and know what I need or want without me asking.” I mean asking, we really should be beyond asking, right? Plus, if you love me you would definitely not push my buttons and if you did you’d be super sorry and apologetic…and you would tell me in detail how you fucked up by not reading my mind…it’s your job right? Wrong. So wrong.
We treat mind reading as if it’s a trait we can develop…like we develop our chili recipe…and you will perfect it if you love me. Now I may sound crazy but I am not the only person with this kind of crazy going on…don’t we all want someone to know us so well that they anticipate our needs or know what we need before we do…isn’t that the romanticized version of love we see in the movies…and oh, I love a good romance….everyone who knows me is smirking right now, especially my wife…I pretty much live in a romantic musical in my head.
Brandi Carlile, THE Brandi Carlile with 7, count ‘em, Grammy nominations. The same Brandi Carlile who wrote the NY Times best selling book, Broken Horses, which I read not once, but twice, and is a wonderful, honest, vulnerable book about her life…but I digress…back to my point before I forget…she has a song called “When You’re Wrong” and part of the lyrics are:
“You may be here today
But tomorrow you’re a ghost
I guess the most someone can hope for
Is to find a place to lay
Someone to tell your secrets to
When the nights get long and blue
Someone strong enough to lean on
When the roses fall away
Strong enough to love you when you’re wrong
Someone strong enough to love you when you’re wrong”
Isn’t that what we all need? So simple and profound…and true. Someone to tell our secrets to who, after hearing them, still loves us. Who is there offering love when we’re wrong? I spend most of my life wrong…or it feels that way. It goes like this….Thinking speaking revising apologizing…speaking minus thinking apologizing revising . Thinking revising remaining silent…(reminding myself not everything I think needs to be verbalized), but then, speaking and apologizing. Some thoughts are better left unspoken…some thoughts are better left unthought too. You’d think I’d be better at the non-speaking part as an introvert.
Along with mind reading we sometimes think the people closest to us should understand when we’re hurtful, maybe we snap at them or roll our eyes at something they say or act impatiently, and we expect them to just forget about it…don’t they know I’m having a hard time? And I didn’t mean anything…she knows that…doesn’t she? Well she should for gods sake!
To all of this, Alex Trabek would have said “the answer is, the stupidest movie line ever.” Oh I know…pick me Alex…”What is Love means never having to say your sorry, Alex.” I love Jeopardy…I stuck at it but I love it. I do ok if the category is “I Love Lucy” or “Friends.” Anyone old enough to remember the movie “Love Story” with Ryan O’Neil and Ali McGraw probably remembers this horrible, famous, line from the movie. Now my dad has been known to quote it and that has never gone well for him. It’s really only ever worked for Ryan O’Neil and then only because Ali McGraw was dying…probably didn’t have the strength to argue.
Maybe because my dad quoted this line when I was a kid, I made a point of apologizing to my kids when they were growing up and I made a mistake, which was frequently. Or when I hurt them, which I did more than I ever meant to. To me love means saying you’re sorry, frequently…and not only do I need to say the words I need to show an understanding of what happened and how it impacted you. Otherwise I’ll just mindlessly do the same shit over and over. That’s not to say I won’t do the same thing again, because I am human, but I will understand the impact of my words and actions on you and us, and that understanding changes me…slowly, but it does.
But Let’s Be Real…mind reading isn’t the answer and at the moment it may not be an apology either…what about unconditional love? What about love only being love when it’s unconditional? The love that exists and acts regardless of the other person’s actions… the love that doesn’t keep score and wants the best for you regardless of me…the love that continues when you’re wrong, without counting that it’s the 97th time I’ve been wrong this week, possibly this day. (And be clear I am not talking about abusive relationships because that is not any type of real love…that’s control, fear, domination…everything not love).The love that gives without expecting something in return. Love that’s not calculated or conniving…or keeping score. Love for loves sake. I love you period.
Because REALLY…it takes strength to love someone even when they’re wrong. To not keep score. To continue to give and to love unconditionally. To be kind and vulnerable. To change. And don’t you know saying “I’m sorry” takes tremendous awareness and strength…and it should be said freely and frequently. All that matters is how we love people. Because in the end, love always wins.
Kai Raines 