I think one other time I wrote a blog with this title…well the WTF!? part anyway…I must have felt this way before…I have written about a lot of different relationships, including my relationship with myself…my relationship with pain…how to build relationships and grow them, being present and invested, looking at myself before I blame others. I have shared many of the challenges I’ve faced…things I’ve struggled with and the evolution of my thinking. I’ve been honest about my reluctant acceptance of circumstances and situations that I don’t want…even if it’s reality…I hope I move to acceptance quicker now…I’m not sure…I think it all depends.
The last two years have been filled with more than the pandemic for me. I had foot surgery that required a long recovery. I had a revision to my elbow replacement that became infected. I required three additional surgeries, including one to remove the replacement. I spent months on IV antibiotics and was sick enough to think I might die. Not a big dramatic death, just a slow fading away, until you aren’t there anymore. I got Covid and spent 5 days in the hospital, alone, thinking I might die. These were stressful months for me and for my family. I went to the Mayo Clinic where I was told nothing could be done for my failed elbow replacement. Instead I was advised that I would get “used to it.” I was told to have it x-rayed each year to check for further loosening….but my orthopedic surgeon said unless something “catastrophic” happened she would not do anything about it. In case you’re wondering, I have not gotten used to it.
Last spring I found out I have macular degeneration…WTF?! My dad has it too and he can barely see anymore. I’d be lying if I said I had accepted this information. I know it, because the doctor told me and she had pictures inside my eyes to prove it…but acceptance involves more than hearing and looking. Acceptance seems like not being bothered by the information anymore…not caring that I might go blind…but I do care. And it’s not okay with me…hence the not accepting what is reality…oh the patterns we weave…and hang the fuck on to. I heard someone say once that they never let go of anything that didn’t have claw marks…that’s me.
I am not someone who gets caught up wondering “why me?” generally speaking. I tend to think “why not me?” in a global, shit happens, kind of way. But sometimes I want to scream “Seriously!? WTF!?” because it all feels like too much. Enough already for fuck’s sake! It reminds me of the cartoon Popeye saying, “I’ve had all I can stand I can’t stands no more” and then he’d squeeze the can and the spinach would fly into the air and land in his mouth…then he was super strong and he’d beat Brutus up and rescue Olive Oil. I have no one to beat up or save….except maybe me.
So all that brings me to WTF!? again…2022…there probably should have been way more WTF!?’s before now. Maybe I just need a rant to release my frustration and anger…maybe I have reached my limit of what I can take…physically…and world wide…politicians who lie and cheat, who care more about lining their own pockets than what the people they represent want. Prices out of control…a loaf of gluten free bread is over $8! And I am not gluten free as part of a fad. I have celiac disease so it’s gluten free or puking my guts out. The pandemic seems to have been forgotten. People are still dying but we don’t talk about it anymore. We pretend that we’re back to normal but there is no normal anymore…there is only before the pandemic and after. The planet is heating up, glaciers are melting at a record pace. The west is burning and the east is flooding, in between are deadly tornadoes, and we just had a hurricane. The Supreme Court has become the mouthpiece of the extreme right and we are rapidly going backwards…remember the good old days of segregation and slavery? The court wants to revisit interracial marriage, the right to marry who you love, and privacy in our own homes. Christian nationalism is on the rise and so is white nationalism…a radio host said he thinks that abortion is a bigger sin than slavery…are you fucking kidding me? We have election denying politicians running for offices all over the country…National and state races, where they tell people if they lose don’t believe the results but if they win then it’s legitimate. I’m pretty sure I felt the same way about monopoly when I was 7! If I win, I win and if you win, I win.
And there is war and so much killing. Children are dying, their parents are dying. Children are starving, their parents are starving. Children in this country are starving…but you can book a ride to space for a mere half a million dollars, that seems like a good use of resources…WTF!? Children are abused and neglected. People are addicted to drugs and are dying. There aren’t enough places, that are affordable, for people to get help. I know people who need help, we all do. People are homeless…children are homeless…and we don’t have affordable housing. We don’t have help for people with a mental illness. Minimum wage is not a livable wage.
Why don’t we value all people…women, people of color, the disabled, the LGBTQ+ community, people with housing, job, and food insecurity…which is probably a majority of the country. And speaking of valuing people, Brittney Griner has been illegally detained in Russia since February, 224 days, as I write this. I can guarantee that if this was LeBron or Steph they would be home. She’s a woman, a lesbian…who do we value?
And the cherry on the top of my week was a new ad by Marco Rubio where he actually says that democrats are trying to “indoctrinate” children and trying to “turn boys into girls.” Oh my fucking god!? How can an elected official be allowed to spew lies and not be called out for it? That type of behavior should prevent you from running for or holding any elected office or any government position permanently. There is no evidence to support his claim and it’s a hateful comment to make…because people believe that shit! It sounds eerily familiar…go back to the days when I was coming out and those same people said that gay people were trying to indoctrinate children and make them gay. All of those comments display a ridiculous level of ignorance. And worse than that, it’s hate speech designed to incite people to do something about it…to go after these “people” who are doing the indoctrinating… Hate crimes are at an all time high. It’s not only irresponsible it’s dangerous, destructive, and unbelievably harmful. Spreading intolerance is unacceptable, especially from a US Senator..or any government official, current or in the past.
These same people claim to be “Christian,” really? That is just one of the reasons I do not and would not ever call myself that word. It’s become a weaponized word of the right against the left…crazy isn’t it? People like to use religion as a weapon against the LGBTQ+ community. If you think about it, and I did go to seminary, Jesus taught and built a culture of inclusion. Everyone who was made to feel less, he made feel more. Everyone excluded from the table, he included. People like to ask, “what would Jesus do?” as if it’s a big mystery…inclusion, that’s it. Jesus is not a weapon to use to justify exclusion but an example to follow of a life of inclusion. Gandhi said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
So as my grandmother used to say, “Too bad about them.” You are the expert on you. No one else is. We create categories to label and define people…to put them in the boxes we say they belong in. No one gets to tell me who I am, not my gender, not my identity, not my sexual orientation…nothing. I know who I am. You know who you are. Instead of fighting over the categories and labels, and worrying about other people’s identities, why not allow people to reveal themselves to you? They are the expert with all the information. We are the students. It is a privilege for someone to share who they are with us…a tremendous honor, not to be taken lightly. Let’s not destroy people by trying to convince them that we know more about them than they do. When I came out, I made sense to myself for the first time. What a joy and a relief. Let’s let others make sense of themselves and allow them to share that with us…celebrate with them who they are…share the joy and relief…the gift.
I’m not sure ranting is helpful…Maybe…maybe it’s helpful to know someone shares your frustration, your anger, and your exhaustion. I am tired…I am so tired. And I am angry. And my head is spinning all the time. There is so much going on in the world, in this country and in our families and individual lives and I can’t turn it off…I struggle to stop my thoughts from running me over all day long…my brain is literally trying to solve the problems of the world all the time…I am tired.
So what to do…Let’s be real…I don’t know. There are things happening here that I never thought I’d see…that I am not prepared to solve…it turns out I’m not able or expected to solve the world’s problems…that’s a relief. Brandi Carlile has a song called, “Party of One” and some of the lyrics say,
“You should always let the sun go down on your anger.
Let it burn you to sleep….”
I was always taught not to go to bed angry…but what if you let it burn you to sleep? Isn’t burning a refining process? Or a destructive process? Or a branding process? Aren’t we destroyed and remade, refined, renewed all the time? Does the burning bring us to surrender? Because what is left after the burning is what really matters?
People say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…but I prefer to think that what doesn’t kill us makes us kinder. Can I become kinder in the middle of all of this? Kinder to others…kinder to myself. Maybe going to sleep with anger is just being present with how you feel…letting it burn as long as it burns. Not shutting down or searching for a easy fix that doesn’t exist. Let the burn move us to surrender, to allowing. To have what really matters burned into us. Or excess burned away from us…all the games and excuses…coming to terms with the real you…the real me.
I had this magnet of Buddha on my refrigerator and on it Buddha says, “Let that shit go.” I doubt that’s a direct quote but it helps me focus…sort of brings me back to neutral. Maybe if I let anger burn me to sleep I’ll wake up ready to let go. Maybe that burning is the change I need to break patterns, be changed, refined…more honestly me…just me. Because all I have is me and all you have is you…so let’s be the most authentic versions of ourselves. That’s what the world deserves…that’s what you deserve…and it’s what I deserve.
Let’s Be Real…it feels like we are at a inflection point in our country….so what to do? Individually I can’t do much, but together…let’s pray for unity, understanding, compassion, kindness, good listening skills…more listening than talking. For less self interest and more everyone else interest. Less fear, more openness…an expanding of everyone’s mind…including, and mostly, my own. For anger to burn us to sleep and leave us with what really matters…love. Love is always the answer…for real.
Kai Raines 