So I have this problem…I can’t follow my own orders…I’m stubborn even with myself. June is Pride month and so I want to write about it but I haven’t yet…because other things have been on my mind. Apparently I can only write about the most pressing thing on my mind at the time…it can make it hard to finish my writing because my mind has a lot pressing on it.
I’ve been told that I am too sensitive throughout my life…and so I decided to look it up. The dictionary defines sensitivity as “an awareness or understanding of the feelings of other people.” Now I wonder can anyone ever be too sensitive? Our world is definitely not suffering from people being too aware of or too understanding of the feelings of others. Perhaps this is especially true for members of the LGBTQ+ community. Hate crimes are at an all time high in the LGBTQ+ community, especially the trans community. Hate crimes are disproportionately high in this community…people are seeking us out to harm or kill us. Seriously? I cannot believe I am writing that sentence in this country in 2022! I feel sick and I feel hunted. Remember Pulse nightclub in Orlando? A man sought out members of the LGBTQ+ community to kill at a gay nightclub. Just last week a large group of white supremacists (Patriot Front) were arrested before they could create a riot at a gay pride event in Idaho. These men were dressed in riot gear with shields and had a smoke grenade. We don’t even know the full extent of what they were planning…and fortunately we didn’t have to find out…this time.
The problem with being hunted is that the hunt is always on and nowhere feels safe. Hunters hunt to dominate, control, and have authority over whatever is hunted. That attitude is at the core of so much of the hatred in our country right now. White supremacist’s possess that attitude and they advocate for their belief of the supremacy of a particular group, the white race. Their message is that the white race is supreme and all other races or any marginalized people, such as the LGBTQ+ community, are less than them…subhuman in a word.
Probably 20 years ago I was on the board of the Interfaith Alliance in Denver. At one of the meetings we had broken up into groups and the pastor of the church I attended was with me. I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about but I shared that in every situation, and with every person I meet, I have to decide whether I will let them know that I’m gay. He asked me if that was really true and it was…it still is. I hoped after marriage equality that I wouldn’t feel that way anymore, but I do, especially now. Our country is in a crazy return to the past…the homophonic, racist, misogynistic past.
It’s a lot of pressure and stress to guard who you are until you decide you’re safe to be out…and pray you aren’t wrong. My wife and I just moved to Florida, the capital of openness and equality…right? Meeting new people and being in an unfamiliar place adds to the stress, trying to guage the safety of every situation. I am not a closeted person but I am careful. I am aware that there are people in this country who think I should not be allowed to live. There are countries where I could be executed just for being gay and ours, it has been suggested, should be one of them. That is unfucking-believable! Now I would love to just say “fuck it, I give up” but I love my wife, my family, our friends and don’t want any of them in danger…and I remember Pulse nightclub all the time…so “fuck it” doesn’t work for me.
All of that being said, I am very proud to be gay. I am proud of my wife and the life we have built together. I am proud of my family. I think sometimes people think that gay people would choose not to be gay if they could. I would not. I am proud to be gay and I am happy to be gay. I would not change my gayness for anything. I am a super happy gay! So Pride month is a real thing and a important time to remind myself how happy I am being gay and to let others know I am proud…and there’s the rub…to be out and proud and safe too…or at least not reckless. To be who I am but to follow my gut and my intuition when something doesn’t feel right or someone doesn’t feel safe. The danger in remaining unseen is that no one’s mind gets expanded, no one’s views are challenged, no one learns, no one changes…and then I am hunted forever…out of fear…ignorance…rigidity…fear.
When I first came out I had a best friend and we had been close friends for about 8 years. We were out to dinner for my birthday when she told me that she was angry with me for “choosing” to be gay. I asked her when she had chosen to be straight. She didn’t answer and we weren’t friends anymore. I think she absolutely knew she didn’t make that choice and neither did I. I think the real issue started a couple weeks before our dinner. At the time, I was 33, divorced, with 3 small children and I was wondering if there would be a woman out there who would want to share her life with me. She said I would find someone because “it would be easy to fall in love with you.” I think that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. The moment she acknowledged she could love a woman, me anyway, it was that vulnerability that she couldn’t tolerate. People who fight against the LGBTQ+ community the fiercest are the people who have been with someone of the same sex or they know they could be…or they want to be or they wish they felt like they could be in a same sex relationship. Her fear was of herself, not of me. People’s real fear is of who they are, not who I am.
Let’s be real…sometimes I want to say “fuck it” to the sense of responsibility I feel to be seen and heard and understood. To help people expand their thinking and grow in acceptance…I’m 62 and it’s easy to think “fuck it” let the young lesbians deal with all this…but aren’t we all needed? The sensitive ones, the outspoken, the hopeful, the angry, the frightened, the young and the old. Don’t we all have so much to teach each other? People just need a willingness to listen…and that means we have to speak up, and keep talking. Keep working…keep trying. Keep believing that things can change…people can change.
So happy Pride! Be out, be proud…be safe. And let’s all try and be overly sensitive…it could only help.
Kai Raines 