Church is a funny thing…funny strange I think. It can bring people together or divide them like nothing else…except maybe politics. I was raised Catholic and then in my late teens and 20’s I ended up going to an evangelical free church. Unfortunately it was pretty far right and I was taught a lot of misinformation…maybe just lies…I’m not sure. I ended up getting kicked out of the church, that I had been part of for 8 years because I’m gay. I was on the staff of the church as a counselor and when I told the pastors, both of whom were my friends, that I was gay they took the key to my office, told me they couldn’t recommend that anyone come to me for counseling anymore and told me I’d have to make an appointment to get my things out of my office. I lost my job and all of my friends. It was a difficult time for me. I couldn’t go near a church for years and even the topic made me crazy angry. I felt rejected like I never have before…rejected by my friends, well they were supposed to be my friends…and rejected by God because they told me I was rejected by God…an abomination. That’s nice from friends..makes you feel all warm and fuzzy…such a mind fuck.
After much therapy, I moved past the church stuff and turned my attention to Buddhism. When you aren’t sure what to do about God, a religion without one is very appealing…and Buddhism has always made sense to me…be compassionate, be mindful, get to know your own mind and how it works…simple…maybe not simple but clear.
Recently I felt like I wanted to be back in touch with some of the traditions and rituals of Catholicism and I decided to go and talk to a priest. I read that the Pope has said that people are born gay, it’s not a choice, and so gay people should be treated with love and kindness…hmmmm? So armed with that information I met with a priest here in Boulder. I was nervous so I was more blunt than normal…I usually take sort of a serpentine approach to things that hard for me to talk about, and this topic is a loaded one for me…but no serpentine here, not that day. I pretty much said…in a run on, one breath sentence, “I was raised Catholic but went to a different church in my 20’s. I was on staff and when I told them I was gay they kicked me out is the Catholic Church going to kick me out?” And breathe.
What followed was the priest trying to convince me that the church would not kick me out even though I would not be able to have communion or any sacrament, unless I ended my marriage and was never in a relationship again…hmmm? I have a hard time understanding how my leaving my wife and destroying our family would be a positive thing in any church. So “the tendency” to be gay isn’t a sin but my marriage is. He said I cannot experience any forgiveness because I’m married to a woman. He said I’m a sinner just like he is but that’s not really true…I’m like a “super sinner” or something. Being gay is part of who I am not a casual choice for this month. The priest said it’s a sin for people who have a civil union too. But that isn’t the same at all. People can choose a civil union because they don’t want to get married in a church, but they aren’t going to marry someone of the same sex. You don’t get to tell me that who I am is wrong or that I’m a sinner because of who I am…if God made me then I am not made wrong. None of that is loving or kind and not at all accepting. He kept saying I would not be kicked out but everything he said made it clear that I might as well be. That would be more honest anyway…so hmmm…I can attend church but I can’t be forgiven because I am legally married to a woman. I could be forgiven if I destroy the lives of my wife and my family…that seems super fucked up.
I love Glennon Doyle and have read all of her books, and a few of them, more than once. In Love Warrior she says, speaking to her Sunday School class, “I explain that my idea of heaven is the completion of the scattered puzzle – but I ask them not to wait for some other-worldly reunion. I ask them to bring heaven to earth here and now – to invite the Kingdom of God today – by treating every last one of God’s people like kin. I tell each of them, Be brave because you are a child of God. Be kind because everyone else is too. We belong to each other.”
Continuing, she says, “I teach them that they are loved by God – wildly, fiercely, gently, completely, without reservation. I promise that there is nothing inside of them that they need to be ashamed of. I become a megaphone for the still, small voice that was drowned out so early for me – the voice that says to each of us You! You are my beloved! I made you and everything you have ever been or are or will become is already approved. Nothing you can ever do will make me love you more, and nothing you can ever do will make me love you less. That’s finished. So stop hiding, stop waiting, and come now! Every time I look into a ten-year-old’s eyes and promise her that she is good and loved so she never needs to go underneath to breathe, I know I am speaking to my ten-year-old self. Don’t hide. You are safe here. You belong, precious one, after all. Do not be afraid. Remember” (p. 232).
Glennon Doyle is talking to her Sunday School class but I don’t hear it as a ten-year-old. I hear it for my 30 year old self being kicked out of the church and being told that I was unacceptable to God…unlovable because I’m gay. I remember the first time I read this passage thinking, “I want that.” I wanted what she was talking about but I didn’t know how to get it. Now I see it’s always been there I just let other people convince me it wasn’t for me…it belonged to them but not me…God belonged to them not me.
So let’s be real…The priest and the Catholic church say I am a sinner, supposedly just like everyone…except sin is something other people do but it’s who I am. You commit a sin…I am a sin…hmmm? We can disagree on things like politics, the weather, sports but no one gets to disagree with who I am…with my identity. I don’t get to disagree with straight people being heterosexual and tell them we just have to “agree to disagree…but I still love you.” I don’t think so…that’s not any form of love or any form of a relationship that I want, ever. None of that even makes sense…how come people can’t see how ridiculous that argument is? People can be mean when they feel threatened…I’m not sure why I’m a threat to anyone…maybe I don’t need to understand why.
But let’s be real…I made the mistake once of believing I was condemned because “Christian’s” said I was. I let them judge me and I believed them when they said I was unacceptable to God. I can’t go back there. I will not allow myself to be in that tortured place again…I am worth more than that…and I worked too hard, and spent too much on therapy, to allow myself to be treated as less than others. All you LGBTQ people out there are also worth more than that…anyone who has ever been on the “outside” of whatever, is worth more than that. No one gets to define who I am or quantify my value based on their beliefs and opinions. That is NOT love! And it doesn’t matter how many times you tell me you love me, I know you don’t. You can deceive yourself but not me…not anymore.
Kai Raines 