The Olympics are one of my favorite things, especially in summer. When I was a pre-teen, I wanted to be a professional basketball player and an Olympic swimmer…there was no WNBA back then and no women’s basketball in the Olympics so my options were limited. My 12 year old self had a crush on Shirley Babashoff, a hot, young, US swimmer , in 1972. I’m going to quickly acknowledge that I was not good enough at either sport to be a pro or an Olympian but I sure did dream…a lot. If just dreaming was enough I would have been an Olympic gold medalist and a Milwaukee Buck.
Aside from Tokyo having record numbers of COVID cases and no spectators allowed, the biggest news has been Simone Biles…although Katie Ledecky is now the most decorated female Olympic swimmer of all time. Simone Biles is 24 and already the greatest gymnast of all time…24! And then she struggled…and struggled some more…and pulled out…and then the backlash. The cries that she let her team and her country down, that she just quit, didn’t really try…all because she was worried about her mental health and her safety. Naomi Osaka dropped out of a grand slam tennis tournament for the same reason and she was criticized as well. Why aren’t they stronger? Why can’t they set their own needs aside for the good of the team? Muscling through will be the best thing for her…..whoever “her” is at that moment.
Do we really see women as weak? We can’t possibly be that ignorant or arrogant, can we? The gender that produces human beings while at the same time participating at the highest level of sports? I’d like to see a man do that, and not bitch about it. Are we really that blind and unaware? The lack of support for female athletes (and really for women) makes me think they’re lucky they aren’t forced to compete in their sport with a baby strapped to their back.
A few years ago I read an interview with Jason Garrett, the then coach of the Dallas Cowboys. He was being asked questions about an injured player who continued to play despite a broken bone. After I read that I wrote a Poem called, The Strongest Person I Know.
Playing football with a broken bone
Elicits the response…
“He’s the strongest person I know”
I want to be the strongest person you know
Doesn’t complain
Copes with anything
Plays through the pain
Always finds the positive
Pushes forward no matter what
No sign of weakness
No pain no gain…right?
The strongest person
Doesn’t feel
Doesn’t allow
Doesn’t sit with anything…no time
Must keep moving…distracting
Too many unfelt
Unexperienced
Unrecognizable emotions
Can’t be the strongest person
And be present with pain
With disappointment, confusion
With grief, gut wrenching sadness
The strongest person doesn’t get lost
In my mind it’s all or nothing
The strongest…or the weakest
No room for anything in between
This won’t stop him
He’ll be back
She never quits
Nothing will stop her
She will always push, always do, always be a winner….
Is there a different perspective?
A bigger view…
The strongest person I know
Nothing will stop her…from sitting
She’ll never quit…being with her feelings
This won’t stop her…from being present
Even though it’s tremendously painful
The strongest person I know
Is content to be who she is
Fully human and frightened
She’s afraid but she stays
She’s confused but she stays
Feels lost but she stays…no excuses
She’s fearless
She’s the strongest person I know
Why do we have such messed up ideas of strength? I’m not sure where they come from…well we do value white males more than anyone else…so there’s that. I think women are judged by what people think a man would do in the same situation…why can’t she be more like a man? That may not be said out loud but we can hear it in the critiques, in the judgments…but we never say we think a man should be like a woman…that’s so offensive to them. A man being like a woman would mean that you’re gay, right? Isn’t that what we think and the assumption we make? You play like a girl. The mere innuendo is an insult.
Where did we get all these biases that we seem to have? And it’s not just men. It’s woman as well…there are many women who think that men are superior and that women should defer to them. Some of those views I blame on religion. I don’t believe in any way that women are inferior to men…different yes (thank god) but not inferior. Bible verses that get taken out of context allow men to control women…submission applied generously to women but never men.
Why are we reluctant to talk about our mental health or to ask for help? I think mental health issues are seen as weakness…as if you’re weak if you’re depressed or anxious…as if COVID isn’t enough of a reason to be depressed and anxious. Mental illness gets linked with homicides and suicides, just think about school and workplace shootings.. Why don’t we see the ability to know ourselves and communicate honestly about our struggles the greatest strength of all…a fucking superpower. It’s that honesty that allows us to be vulnerable with each other and really love each other, scars and all.
Simone Biles is going to compete again on the beam. I hope it’s not because she feels pressured. I hope she’ll be safe…I’ll probably know before I finish this blog…and I do. One of the announcers said that Simone Biles didn’t look nervous at all yesterday….I disagree. I thought there was a hint of “what if” in her eyes…what if I fall or can’t do this anymore or don’t want to? Who am then? Will I still matter?
The US women’s national soccer team will play for a bronze medal…not gold. What is the matter with them? I can tell you what’s the matter with all of them…they all have the same thing…they are human beings, not robots. Human beings just doing the best they can on any given day. And unfortunately it is painful to be human, and to have your humanity exposed to others….or the whole fucking world.
Instead of judging these women, we could show compassion as a first response. If I’m upset, just imagine what they are feeling and thinking..the loss, disappointment, sadness, uncertainty. We could give them the love and respect they deserve. Because as much as we may want to judge them we aren’t them….and although we act like we do, we have no idea what they are going through. I wanted to be a champion and couldn’t because I wasn’t good enough….they are champions, many times over, and still have struggles. We all struggle in the same way….it may look different, but we all doubt ourselves all the time…we just don’t have the whole world watching us and telling us we’re right or wrong…based on their own judgment of us.
Some of the pressure women feel is from trying to prove their worth over and over again…endlessly it seems. The world doubts us and we doubt ourselves. The American women’s beach volleyball players wear a necklace that says, “I am enough.” Why do we need that reminder? Maybe because the world questions who we are and our relative value daily…more accurately, many times a day. Am I enough if I lose? What if I decide not to participate because I can’t or I don’t want to? Do men question their value or worry they will be judged for losing or not trying or quitting…or disappointing? I suppose some do….some of everyone does. We are subject to doubt because we are subject to being human, with all the emotions and mental health issues that involves.
Let’s Be Real…When we judge ourselves by what other people say and think about us…it’s as if what they say is more true than what we know of ourselves. The Bible has a well known quote attributed to God… “Be still and know that I am God.” Be still and know…be still and know. Knowing comes in our stillness, our silence. I am…when we are still and know part of what we know is who we are…I am. And I “Be” (with a Capital B) when I act and live in connection to what I know…what I know of me, what I know of you, what I know of the world. What I know, not what you say I know…or really what you say at all…because you are not me.
We are constantly going through the labor pains of rebirthing ourselves because we are always changing….becoming a truer and more honest version of ourselves. And there is strength in vulnerability…in honesty..in letting ourselves be seen and known, and ultimately, loved. In honoring and speaking our needs…courageously showing our humanity…..That’s the real strength…the true superpower. And we all have it…the ability to be fully human and to embrace it all. It’s a superpower because it takes superhuman strength to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to be seen, scars and all.
We need to redefine strength, because real strength is fearless…that is, fearless in the, “I face the truth and move forward even if I am afraid” kind of way…not the “I’ll play with a broken bone or mental health issue even if it means I may harm myself permanently” kind of way. Real strength is the ability to stay with whatever arises….even when it hurts and we hate it…we stay…even when it feels overwhelming…we stay. Even when we aren’t sure we’ll survive the pain…but in staying we Become…Because…
The strongest person I know
Nothing will stop her…from sitting
She’ll never quit….being with her feelings
This won’t stop her…from being present
Even though it’s tremendously painful
The strongest person I know
Is content to be who she is
Fully human and frightened
She’s afraid but she stays
She’s confused but she stays
Feels lost but she stays…no excuses
She’s the strongest person I know
She’s fearless
And then she emerges and places that hard earned bronze medal around her neck…proud she stayed and displayed her full humanity for the world. Let’s learn from all these women what it means to be a true champion.
Kai Raines 