So here’s something you may not know about me and it’s amazing….I can read people’s minds. I know why people do what they do all the time. And that’s not true only for people I know, that is true for all the people I come across everywhere…I always know why a person does what they do…
If you cut me off in traffic I know it’s because you can’t drive…asshole. If you bump into me (and my cane) I know it’s because you don’t pay attention to your surroundings and you’re rude. If you cut in front of me in line you are arrogant and entitled. When you don’t wring out the sponge in the sink and it sits in cold, yucky water, and I have to wring it out, I know it’s because you don’t love me or care about my feelings. It is helpful to know what everyone is thinking but it is a burden as well…lol.
Seriously though…last week ended with a quote from the Buddha saying that we are what we think and that with our thoughts we create the world. One of the things I like best about Buddha is that he doesn’t mandate belief or doctrine, he says to test what he’s saying and see if it’s true or not…in other words make your own thoughtful decisions.
One of the ways I know what Buddha says here is true is in people’s reactions to life. The same thing can happen to two people and you’ll get two completely different reactions…because we create the world we live in and our reactions to it.
Say two people get fired from their job and, all other things being equal, one is devastated and one just quietly clears out their desk and leaves. What’s the difference? They both lost jobs at the same place for the same reason…If the first person believes that they are worthless and that’s why they got laid off and that without a job they will be homeless and unable to care for their kids so they will lose custody of them…etc., etc., etc. With those thoughts a world of fear and anxiety has been created…and the experience of the world continues to fit their design…events are interpreted based on those beliefs. The other person merely clears out their desk because they believe that the loss of this job means something better is out there for them…their world is friendly and kind with nothing to fear.
How we feel drives the choices we make…How do I feel? What choices am I making? Am I making choices based on fear and anxiety or on the belief in kindness and goodness? Do I even know?
We react to situations quickly and, much of the time, before we know what we’re doing. One practice I have developed, even though I can read people’s minds, is to ask myself, “Am I sure?”. I lose my job and believe it’s because I’m not smart enough. Am I sure? Not unless I asked and that was the feedback I was given…and even then, am I sure it’s true? NO! JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE. That is so important and took me so long to understand…and even now I still get caught up in it.
If someone says they think I’m a bitch that doesn’t make it true. What do I know of myself and what was the situation? Do I take it to be a compliment to me and so I embrace it or does it offend and hurt me? There are so many factors to consider before we allow our thoughts to carry us away.
Say I am driving down the street and someone cuts me off.. I may feel angry and scream, “Asshole!” Now Am I sure? Am I sure that the person in that car is an asshole? If I am honest the answer is no. I don’t know why they cut me off…maybe they just didn’t see me…maybe they are going to the hospital to visit a loved one…maybe they just lost their job…maybe someone just died and they are distracted…people have whole lives that we are unaware of…we don’t know! And how much of my reaction is fueled by fear? They cut me off and it scared me…I may act angry and scream but underneath the anger there may be fear…fear of being hurt, of dying, of missing something important to us…you get the idea.
Frequently I am not sure of myself, so what makes me think I can be sure about someone else?
Am I sure? This is a tiny question…but it has had a huge impact on me…on us. For me it is one of the pillars of learning to live Compassion First. I need to acknowledge that I am not all knowing…although sometimes I am pretty sure I am…or I should be. As I become more able to see that I really am not sure of much, I can have compassion for myself and for others…I am doing the best I can…other people are doing the best they can…they need compassion…I need compassion.
I heard Jack Kornfield tell a story about a woman in line at the grocery store and she was in a hurry. There was a woman with a baby in front of her in line. The woman was talking to the cashier and even let her hold the baby. The woman was growing more and more impatient. When it was finally her turn, and before she could yell at the cashier for wasting her time… the cashier thanked the woman for her patience. She explained that that was her mother and her baby daughter. She said that she was working extra-long hours to help her mother through a difficult time…so her time was limited with the baby. Her mom brought her in so she could spend a few minutes with the baby because she’ll be asleep when she gets home and she won’t have much time in the morning….WE DON’T KNOW! WE THINK WE DO BUT WE DON’T!
So Here’s The Thing…Asking ourselves Am I sure? Before we react to a situation can save us a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings…because we don’t know. We create suffering in our own lives when we tell ourselves something is fixed and true when we don’t know…we create suffering for others as well when we think we know things about them we can’t know…what they think, what they feel, why they do what they do…we don’t know…shit, I barely know why I do what I do…and even then I only know sometimes.
In the time we take to ask ourselves, Am I sure?, we also allow for a space…a gap…in-between asking and doing…that pause makes all the difference….that pause is where we find compassion first
Kai Raines 