Why Am I So Mean?

A week or so ago I asked my wife if she was angry with me and her response was “Are you done being mean to me?” Being mean to her? Me? I believe in compassion first…how could I be mean?…It didn’t take long to recognize…CRAP!…I was mean…I was irritable and short-tempered. I needed help but wouldn’t take it…always trying to do everything by myself….needing something and accepting nothing. So fucking stubborn…Me? You bet.

These days I’m agitated but not sure why…anxious with no reason…irritability is my go to emotion. None of that feels good…and so I feel frustrated and restless. I hurt so bad…my whole body. The pain feels deep inside my bones. I get anxious about getting up from a chair. Nervous as to whether I will be able to take a step after I stand up…how long will I have to wait to attempt a step…what kind of assistance will i need? Is a crutch enough or do I need my walker? Would I allow someone to help me…or to even offer their help?

This is the daily, hourly, moment by moment dilemma of chronic pain…my dilemma. It wears me down and tears me up. I get so tired…so tired of trying…so tired of hurting. Tempted to just stay in bed away from the world…but then that isn’t really a life, is it? Maybe it is for some people…some people need to do that and I get it…I don’t need that…not now anyway.

Now, lest you think I have no excuses for my Bitchy behavior, alas I have many…the pandemic, foot surgery, 4 months of not walking, fear of getting sick, frustration at the restrictions on my life, frustration in general, exhaustion, recent falls, my fucked up elbow, back pain, neck pain, shoulder pain, knee pain, hip pain, foot pain, migraines…Just looking at the list I feel irritable, overwhelmed…angry.

And I feel afraid…afraid of the pain now and afraid of pain to come…anticipatory fear…what will happen to me? I fear I won’t be able to take care of myself and that I’ll be dependent on other people for everything…simple things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, putting on a sock. Afraid of needing so much when I don’t want to need at all. When I need I feel so vulnerable…so open and exposed…raw and prickly. I have all of the assistance I need and that causes me to bristle…become irritated or angry…because this is not how I want things to be…why don’t things just go the way I want so things could be easy? Why am I not in charge of everything? And why am I always fighting what is? Pushing back against a reality that isn’t of my choosing. I don’t like it and so it should not exist.

There’s emotional pain as well…chronic emotional pain. I feel so angry at myself when I’m mean. I am not sure anyone, generally speaking, would describe me as “mean” but I sure can be. I hate that. And it’s always with the people I love the most in the world. It’s true though isn’t it? A husband or wife has a bad day at work, comes home and is mean to his or her spouse. That spouse then yells at the kids and the kids then kick the dog…I heard that at some child abuse training over 20 years ago…all that pent up frustration and anger has to go somewhere. Where? What do I do with all that energy? And that’s what it is, right? Hot, fiery, anger and chest smashing frustration. It hurts to breathe.

I have so much sadness…I hurt someone I love deeply…someone who has done everything for me…I allow my fear to take hold of me and lead me down the path to bitchdom, where I am Queen. I try and bury the feelings and instead they fester, build up, break through and explode on the people I love…maybe I could warn them when they need to duck and cover…maybe they should just run.

I feel sad and instead of talking about my feelings, or even acknowledging them, I snap at the first person to ask me anything…I spend a good amount of time apologizing these days. I should just lead every conversation or interaction with a warning: “Proceed with Caution…I’m sorry to inform you that I’m about to be a bitch…not sure exactly when so proceed with caution…and again I really am sorry.”

Chronic pain is unpredictable. I have pain every day but the intensity varies with the weather, time of day, how much I’ve done that day, my mood. These are factors that influence how I feel and how I interact with the world each day. Pain is my constant uninvited and invisible companion. Maybe I need to invite it in and see what happens…I have invited it before. Sat down and had a cup of tea with it…to help me understand myself. There was a lot of anger. I don’t like anger. And I don’t like tea enough to change that.

Someone came up with the idea of using spoons as a measure of chronic pain each day. I thought it was strange so I googled it read about it. It was started by a woman who was at a luncheon and she was trying to describe her chronic pain to someone. She gathered up all the spoons at her table and used them to explain. You begin the day with a certain number of spoons and everything you do uses up the spoons. So say I start the day with 10 spoons, it may take 9 of them for me to shower and get dressed, whereas someone without chronic pain may only use 1 spoon. After a shower I would move through my day with only 1 spoon…trying to figure out how to do what I need to do with 1 spoon…I’m already frustrated just reading about it.

So here’s a question, how you determine how many spoons you start a day with? Do I just pick a number? And I get using the spoons as a prop at a luncheon but otherwise why spoons? I’m sure other silverware was available…Why not use a different metaphor? Maybe a knife? Then I could cut out the pain…no, that puts me in a position of hurting myself. Let’s see…bandaids…that would work for covering up and not dealing with pain, although I would never do that…lol. Cookies? That way you could eat them throughout the day…probably not a good idea. M&M’s? Like when you potty train a child and give them an M&M for going in the potty…you could use the different colors to represent specific pain…again too much eating.

So here’s the thing…I know the spoons are not the issue. I don’t need to answer all these ridiculous questions to use the metaphor or not use it…I am in pain and I have limited energy, strength, resources, and desire to get things done each day. I hate that but it is my reality. It is also my reality that I need help every day to get through the day. And it is my reality that people get tired of helping and just want me to be “well” and do what they think I should be able to do. This reality was shaped by the end of a 15 year relationship because she was” tired of waiting” for me to get well. Well guess what!? I’m tired of waiting for me to get well too! And here’s the kicker…I’m not going to be “well”…at least not the “in good health, free or recovered from illness” “well.” I am in good health…heart, lungs, blood pressure, brain, eyes, ears…no problems. Chronic pain is not like a cold that runs its course and then is done. My pain doesn’t have a “done” button…it goes on and on.

So maybe counting spoons is just a way to stay sane…or feel hopeful when I so frequently feel hopeless. And maybe spoons are the way to give voice to invisible illness…I may look and act fine, but it is an act. It’s me trying my hardest to be “normal” but I am not like you. I am always in pain…every step, every movement hurts me. Perhaps spoons provide a way to talk about a difficult topic…a topic I assume other people get tired of…I know I do. Maybe spoons open up all kinds of doors…to allow for all kind of movement within me…because even pain is not fixed and solid. It’ll move if I allow it…maybe spoons can help with that.

Maybe, maybe, maybe…maybe all of this helps me to remember compassion first…even with myself…maybe especially with myself. Compassion for the pain and for the fantastic job I am doing handling it…because I am handling it. I am still here, talking and moving…deserving of compassion…the same compassion that I would offer another I offer myself…and you yourself.

And here’s the thing…Compassion First will change the world.