June is Pride month… It’s different this year because the celebration was virtual…it was nice…just not the same…on a computer watching from home…it was less crowded and not as hot. I used to go to Pride and revel in the opportunity to be with “my people.” I went to Pride in 1993 for the first time. I was newly out and I was amazed by the celebration. Things were a lot different in the 90’s…much scarier being gay. So imagine going to a place where you could hold hands or kiss in public…it was amazing! I know it may sound mundane but when you live in fear daily that someone might find out you’re gay and fire you, take away your housing, physically hurt you or who knows what else, this celebration was unbelievable! A day without fear…a day with people like me…and celebrating who we are…who I am. Gay people were definitely not feeling the love in the 90’s.
The Stonewall riots in 1969 were the beginning of a revolution for gay people. The beginning of a National Coming Out. Gay people fought back against police brutality for the first time…fought back to be treated with respect…to be treated as human beings. That was the beginning of a long battle that continues today…this past week the Supreme Court ruled that you cannot fire someone because they are a LGBTQ+ person…that is way overdue.
I was 32 when I came out in 1993…do we even still have National Coming Out Day on October 11th? I don’t even know anymore, although I know that coming out remains very difficult, challenging, and risky. Sometimes it feels like everyone has an opinion about being gay…and they think everyone cares about their opinion…but we don’t. I was not sure that I would see gay marriage legalized in my lifetime. It was not only legalized but but the ruling came on my birthday, June 26, 2015! We celebrated…and went to the clerk of the court and got ourselves married!
I was so excited when came out…excited because I finally made sense to myself…like all the puzzle pieces came together and it was beautiful and amazing…and I wanted to share the news! A friend said that I didn’t “come out” so much as I “blew the closet up.”
At the time I was a therapist on the staff of an Evangelical Free church. When I told the Pastor and Assistant Pastor my great news, they were NOT excited for me. I was immediately fired from the staff and told they could no longer recommend me as a therapist for anyone…prior to this I had counseled members of each of their families. Both of these men were my friends. They took the key to my office and told me I would have to make an appointment to pick up my belongings. In a meeting, the Pastor told me that I “hated men” because of my divorce and that he “knew I was a lesbian” because of how I dressed and my haircut…no stereotypes there. Then I was outed to the whole congregation and thrown out of the church…they had a different name for it, but that’s effectively what it was. I was told I could remain in the church if I agreed to be celibate or went to Conversion Therapy. And if I ever came to church with a girlfriend I would be “flaunting” the relationship. With such excellent choices, I left the church. And I left angry…angry at the church and angry at God…these were supposed to be God’s people and they threw me out. After that I pretty much gave the church and God the finger and went on with my life.
I had been a member of the church for about 7 years. I had taken care of people’s children, taught Sunday school, planned and led summer bible school, led women’s retreats, and held a position of Deaconess within the church. I had also counseled many individuals and families in the church and ran a sexual abuse support group. When people found out I was a gay that became the only thing they saw about me…I liked women…I slept with a woman…that was really the thing…I committed the unforgivable sin of sleeping with a woman. They kicked me out. “To officially exclude someone from participation in sacraments and services of the Christian Church.” I was excommunicated.
I was a single mother with 3 children ages 4, 5 1/2 and 6 1/2 and I had just lost my income…so much for caring for the poor, the widows, and the children. What was worse was that I lost all my friends…friends of 7 years. One told me she just wanted me to be happy and didn’t care if I was gay. Shortly after that conversation she told me she could not support me being gay…she said it with tears in her eyes…and I understood…follow the leaders or suffer the consequences. My best friend at the time told me she was angry that I was “choosing” to be gay. I asked her when she chose to be straight…and that was the end of the conversation and the friendship.
We influence people every day whether we know it or not. The things we do and the things we say matter. We make blanket statements and judgments without understanding the impact of our words and actions. The leaders of that church made me an outcast and the whole congregation followed along…like a sheep that runs off a cliff and the whole herd follows.
So here’s the thing it’s been 27 years since this happened and it is still such a painful memory and difficult to write about. The people in that church tore my life apart without a second thought…I lost everything…and I was devastated. It took me YEARS to be able (or willing) to step into a church, no matter how accepting they claim to be. It also took years for me to open myself to the spirituality within me…I had shut it down…I had taken an important piece of who I am and shoved it in a dark corner of my soul. I had in effect shut my soul down.
So here’s the other thing…I love happy endings. When a movie or a story is done I want it all wrapped up in a happy little bow. I have been trying for thee past 30 minutes or so to find a way to put a neat little bow on the end of this story…but there isn’t one. This is a story that experienced a great trauma and it doesn’t fit neatly anywhere….So for now this is it.
Do remember Compassion First…for everyone…not just people who look and think and live like we do. Everyone deserves compassion first. Compassion first would have changed my whole story….hmmm.
Kai Raines 