Lately I have been thinking that when I write blogs I may not be putting enough of me in them. I think about how I feel and I write about those thoughts of feelings…I really do prefer to think my feelings…it’s so much less painful. I have been feeling a lot of fear about the future and what my body will be like…and I realize that none of this has happened yet…I am having anticipatory fear. ☺
I currently have a torn rotator cuff and a partially torn ligament in my foot…it’s called a Liz Franc injury (just a fancy way of saying it’s fucked up). Because of the Liz Franc injury I am in a boot for three weeks. If that doesn’t work then I have to be more immobilized with a cast and the last resort is surgery. The problem with those last two possibilities is that I would not be able to put any weight on my foot…my current self is not able to be hopping around…I don’t hop.
I have no idea how I could be non-weight bearing. I have an elbow replacement and a very recent surgery to reattach my triceps and have been told to never use a crutch in my left hand because my elbow can’t take the stress…so much for thinking I’m bionic. I suppose a wheelchair would work…yuck.
During all this turmoil and uncertainty I wrote a poem called “Still Love Me” and it expresses my fears and also the realizations that came to me.
If this is my life
Going from surgery
To surgery…to surgery
Will you still love me?
I have been down this road before
Promises of commitment
Unending support
And then it ended
One day a person could love me
And the next they couldn’t I
t was all too much…
That’s funny because
It’s too much for me too
I am tired
Exhausted by endless appointments
Tests, and more tests
Trying everything possible
It’s hard not to give up
Especially when others give up
If I’m cranky and irritable
For no reason
If I snap or argue
Will you still love me?
Can you still love me?
Can you continue to see
What’s inside of me
The stuff you fell in love with
The me you fell in love with
I am still there
And I try to be reachable
If my body continues to decline
And needs more and more repair
If I can’t move well
Or do the things I used to
Will you still love me?
Am I still lovable?
Can you take my shame
My mistakes and regrets
Can you hold them tenderly
And remember they aren’t me
Can you still see me?
Can you still love me?
We said always and forever
Is the promise too long?
Can you still see us always?
A lifetime together
Still loving you
Still loving me
The suddenly realize
The question isn’t
Will you still love me…
It’s can I still love me?
In a body that disappoints me daily
In a life where I make mistakes…small and large
And have regrets and struggles
Shame and remorse
Can I treat myself with tenderness?
Can I still love me?
Will I still love me?
Kai Raines 