So here’s the thing…I know I’m overweight. I do not need a reminder from anyone. And for some people, such as myself, we feel bad about it…I feel very noticeable and judged…uncomfortable in my own skin…and that is without anyone speaking a word. I sometimes joke that I want to go and live somewhere where people are fat…fat and happy.
So I had a mammogram this morning. This is something that must be done but no woman looks forward to it (and nothing I’m saying is meant to discourage anyone from having a mammogram…they are super important and lifesaving). It’s like playing Twister with a 3D machine and using your breast instead of your hands…you have to step this way, push your hips out, move this arm higher up her, keep your chin up and to the left, and hold your breath…while your breast is smooshed flat and held in place by the machine…piece of cake, right?
So as if all that is not enough, you have to wear a hospital gown that is open in the front. One size gown for everyone…really? This gown fits everyone who is under probably 130 pounds…or anyone not over a size 12. But here’s the thing, there are lots of women (and lots of men) over a size 12…why are we dismissed or not taken into consideration when thinking through the size of gowns? Why am I asked to wear a gown that I have to hold shut so my breasts don’t show? And then I am looked at as though I am less than other people who can tie their gown…and regardless of whether anyone else thinks it’s wrong or my fault that the gown doesn’t fit I should have access to one that does. I should be able to be as comfortable as possible while I have this test…because I am already nervous.
Certainly my weight is in my control…although according to AA type meetings for overeating I am powerless and have to admit that I cannot control my eating/weight on my own…not sure which view is right…maybe it’s some of both…it’s that damn “Middle Way” again! Regardless of what anyone weighs, everyone’s needs should be taken into consideration…all women should be as comfortable as possible having a mammogram.
So here’s the other thing… weight is one issue but I am also disabled and that adds to my frustration. I have to hold my gown shut and walk with a crutch or walker and that leaves me with no hands free if I need them…like getting up out of chair, for example, I have to decide to let my gown go or use the arm recovering from surgery to help me stand up. It is frustrating being disabled and more frustrating to feel dismissed…because this happens all the time, different circumstances but the same effect.
Disabled…people say “differently able”. I don’t want to be “different” and I am not “dis” anything…”To treat with disrespect or contempt: insult” that’s how Merriam Webster defines “dis”. “Contempt” because my body doesn’t work like yours…disrespected in inadvertent ways…subtle…dismissed…disregarded. Each time something doesn’t fit me, whether it’s a gown that doesn’t close or a door I can’t open, I am shown the contempt of our society…contempt and disrespect because I am different…differently able and differently shaped.
I have struggled coming to terms with the word “disabled” and the label that is attached to me…the tag that’s on my car that identifies me as different. I once had a woman ask me what you have to do to get a handicap placard, (and I do not recommend asking this question). I told her that I had arthritis, a knee replacement, degenerative disc disease…and then I stopped and she just said, “Oh” and walked away. Ya “Oh”!
Ya “Oh”…that may be the attitude we need to have when we want to judge someone for being different. “Oh”…I don’t really know anything about this person or their life…”Oh” I wonder if that person is in a lot of pain…”Oh” maybe I could hold the door just to be kind…”Oh” maybe I don’t need to judge others…”Oh” maybe I need to look at myself and where I feel different or unacceptable…”Oh” it could be that my own thoughts are the problem… “Oh” why am I always the damn problem?! Me and my mind…Ya “Oh!”
Kai Raines 