So here’s the thing…I really hate it when I am mad at someone and I am feeling very righteous in my anger and then I realize that the problem is me, not them. Damn it! That is so frustrating and annoying…and it happens more frequently than I’d like to admit.
I’ll be thinking that someone is cranky with me and that they are acting angry and speaking to me in a sharp tone…then I ask myself “Am I sure? Am I sure they are mad at me? And if I stay with it I realize I’m not sure at all…then I get the 2×4 in the head from the Universe and I realize it’s me! I’m the angry one…and I am angry at myself…I’m being short with myself because I am upset with myself…the other person isn’t doing anything…Craaap!
See, I like to be right…I mean I REALLY like to be right. I used to work as an attorney and I got paid to be right…and to argue. Being right and arguing are two things that help me NEVER in any relationship. How annoying is it to be around someone who wants to be right all the time? Or that argues to convince you how right they are…It’s exhausting right?
You know how people, annoying people ☺, tell you that the things that bother you in someone else are actually things you don’t like about yourself? And have you noticed that it’s true? I get frustrated with people who always want to be right and I reach a point where I don’t want to be around them…it’s hard for me to swallow the fact that I can be that person…Shit!
When I am having a conflict I try and stop and ask myself “Am I sure?” (Although I am currently thinking of a sassier “Really?”). I always think I’m right and yet so often I have no idea if I am right. I cannot be inside people’s heads to really know why they do or say the things they do…and it’s arrogant of me to think I can. I really hate noticing my own arrogance…makes me want to notice someone else’s instead…yup that’s the problem. F**K!!!!
Sometimes my pity party will lead me to wonder (only in my head, fortunately) why I’m always the one who has to apologize or who has to learn something, like why I feel the way I do or why I say or do what I do…how come no one else has to? Well that’s me being an ass…How can I possibly know what is happening in another person’s life…what they’re thinking, feeling, learning, or changing. I don’t know that unless I allow them to tell me…what I need to listen?!
When I allow them to tell me…and I am silent and really listen…I can understand the risk they take by exposing themselves to me…I can see and feel their vulnerability…and I can allow myself to fully embrace the gift they are giving me…the gift of knowing them.
So here’s the thing, we live in a very noisy world…voices telling us what to do and who to be all the time. We need time to be alone with ourselves in silence and we need to be silent and listen…a lot. Those are to things I really am sure of.
Kai Raines 