So here’s the thing…I started this whole “Shedding More Than Pounds” because I know that weight loss for me is a tricky issue and my thinking was that if I wrote about it maybe I could unpack it…or pack it and send it away. Food would be so easy to manage if I could just give it up…then I wouldn’t have to look at what food means to me and my relationship to it…it’s so messy. I could just act all self-righteous, “Oh food? I gave that up years ago…you still eat?”
There are so many things that shape our relationships to everything around us, even food. Food is a loaded topic because we feel so much about food…foods we were raised eating, holiday foods, foods for comfort, foods for rituals, celebrations, traditions, funerals, stressful times…anytime. There is just so much there…where to start?
Songs frequently connect with me on an emotional level…something I’ve listened to forever I suddenly hear differently. For example, I was listening to “Beautiful Trauma” by P!nk and I heard some of these lyrics in a completely new way. I heard it relating to food or any addictive behavior that isn’t helping me and needs to be tamed…I need my Middle Way…again…always…where is this elusive Middle Way anyway?
This thing I love, that is my “drug” could be food, alcohol, actual drugs, television, shopping, or just avoidance in general, whatever allows me to numb out. Even though it may not be working for me I love it…it’s my “drug” and I am committed to it. Committed to the way it makes me feel for a day, an hour, a moment…whatever relief I can find.
It’s the “pill I keep taking” because it is what I know. It’s what I am comfortable with…even though it doesn’t work. Even though it’s fucked up I keep reaching for it…hoping it will heal me. Heal me from whatever traumas still eat away at me. These sufferings can be anything…past abuse, current abuse, chronic pain, health problems, disability, job loss, the end of a relationship…anything that helped shape who I am and continues to cause pain in my life.
When I was driving and listening to this song and all of this struck me, I immediately wanted to eat…and I wanted junk food or food that I associate with comfort. Now the neat and tidy telling of this story would have me going home, writing and meditating… feeling all Zen about everything. The messy reality was that I got some fries and a coke. Perhaps there was a positive in that I was very clear on what I was doing and why…it’s all baby steps, right? And if you’ve ever seen a baby walking it’s very unsteady…a baby is never sure how long they will remain on their feet in any one moment…they are just doing their best, one drunken step at a time.
The words of the song stirred up feelings for me…loss, sadness, confusion, maybe anger…and I did not want to stay with those feelings, hence the fries. I noticed, maybe for the first time, that as I ate the fries I stopped feeling…the only thing I felt was full…who wouldn’t prefer feeling full to sad or confused?
These are the “pills” I keep taking because that’s how I have survived…they helped me cope with the difficulties in my life. To stop feeling…except full…there isn’t room for anything else when you’re full…there’s nothing, nothing but fullness…”My love, my drug, we’re fucked up”…that’s so true.
Kai Raines 