Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude….easy to understand why gratitude is important…noticing what is happening in the world and being grateful…grateful for the magnificence all around and within us. Seems so simple until you go see the doctor for a problem with your recently revised elbow replacement and find out you have a torn triceps and need emergency surgery, tomorrow…WTF?!
I feel so tired…so tired and so worn out…too tired to talk about it…too tired to cry about it…possibly too tired to write about it…unfortunately not too tired to be cranky about it. The vulnerability feels overwhelming. I am frustrated. I just had surgery 7 weeks ago and for sure was not expecting another one this week. I just got over being depressed from the last one.
I went to the ER last week because I was having a hard time straightening my elbow…the same left elbow still recovering from surgery January 31st. I was worried and scared…it freaks a person out to not be able to move their arm. My daughter, who went with me, pointed out repeatedly that I was being dismissed while I was there. Because the x-ray looked fine the PA assumed there was no problem. Because she could bend and straighten my arm I was told it was tendonitis and no big deal. Over the weekend the problem got worse and when I would try and straighten my arm I could not do it without taking my left arm into my right hand and pushing it straight…then it would flop back toward me lifeless. When I saw my doctor Monday I told him I had lost control of my arm. That is when he told me my triceps was not attached and must be repaired right away or I could end up with a permanently floppy arm. I ask again…WTF?!
So here’s the thing…I am not a proponent of the thinking that things happen to us because we need to learn something. I believe things happen…it is our choice how we respond to the circumstances and whether we will learn or grow or be better off because of it…at the moment I am on the fence with all of it. I like to learn but seriously? Enough already! In the past year I have had five, now six, major surgeries…and I am tired. I feel worn down and exhausted. I don’t think I can only learn when I am beaten into submission…and I know that is not what’s happening…well I mostly know.
This morning I was meditating and, although there was a lot of complaining in this mind of mine, I remembered something I had read from Pema Chodron in When Things Fall Apart, “The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can’t handle whatever is happening…..That’s being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what’s happening or push it away” (p. 12-13). Meditation provides the opportunity to sit with what’s happening inside of me instead of pushing it away. I need to lean into the frustration, sadness, and pain I am feeling so that I can learn to live my life more awake and less numbed out.
This morning I could see my thoughts and emotions (I do like to think my feelings…so much less messy) and I can choose to let go. The emotions I feel so solidly in my body, or thoughts in my mind, are in fact fluid…they will arise and fall away if I allow them to. Frequently I want to hang on to the feelings in order to justify them…I feel entitled to be angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, whatever…and as long as I feel entitled, I hang on with a death grip as my fingers turn purple from lack of circulation. If I can take a breath and pay attention to that breath, then I can feel the movement and fluidity of all my thoughts and feelings….even if it’s the tiniest of movements. All thoughts and emotions are just energy…that’s not so scary. I don’t have to repress or magnify that energy just allow it to be…feel it within me and feel it move on…lean into the discomfort and refuse to protect myself from it…keep moving forward.
Over the years I have begun to know my mind…to know it’s habits and patterns. I’m an initial resister…I resist painful emotions or difficult circumstances falsely hoping that resistance will change things. Then I recognize my pattern, I meditate, and I begin to feel just the slightest movement…the tiniest shift and I breathe deeper…and on I go.
Kai Raines 