I was thinking about the AA Serenity Prayer “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I think that’s an exact quote…or at least close enough to understand what I’m saying. I would like to rewrite that for myself as, “God grant me the courage to control the things I can, the strength to release the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference…without a 2×4 to the head.”
Because here’s the thing…I spend a shit load of time resisting and trying to change what already is…I fight against reality because I want it to be different…I don’t like it so I won’t accept it…and I’ll dig my little heels in, so there! The problem is that I am trying to control things that I cannot control. It’s like banging my head on a brick wall (that I don’t want to admit is there) and then arguing that I don’t have a concussion and all the birds I see flying around my head (like in a cartoon) are real…can’t you see them? I waste time fighting what I cannot change and in that fight I ignore the things I really could change.
I miss opportunities to impact my world, and THE world, with my narrow and stubborn focus. When I was a social worker, many moons ago, my boss called me into her office one day to tell me about some work I had to do on a case. It’s been so long I don’t recall specifically what it was I just remember that I did not want to do it. My boss, very graciously, let me rant for 10 minutes on why this was the wrong thing to do and I shouldn’t have to do it and here’s what I think instead. After I quit talking she asked me if I was done…and I was. Then she did an amazing thing…she told me to DO IT ANYWAY, because she was the boss! I did not control the situation, she did. Now I could have spent the next week arguing with her and trying to change her mind, possibly losing my job or I could just do it. I chose the latter because there really was no choice.
So much of the time there is no choice but I fight and resist anyway…my bulldog and I are more stubborn than we like to admit. I had a close friendship end without explanation and I spent months and months trying to change that. Initially I did it with a phone call, and email, and a letter…all of which went without response. But I fought the new reality for a long time…and remained sad and stuck. I lost a job and did the same thing…I used my anger (not knowingly) to fuel my resistance. The point being that all that sadness and rage did not change anything…including me, because I was stuck in a past that did not exist anymore.
I frequently do the same thing with my pain…I want to be out of pain and be able to run easily, play with my grandkids, dance the night away, or at least walk without pain…but that is not my reality at this time. When I fight this I wage a war against myself and I am definitely the one who loses. I hurt and victimize myself because I can’t deal with reality. When I was younger I would go hiking even though I knew as soon as I sat down I would not be able to walk without horrible pain for several days. I would rationalize that my knees would hurt anyway so I might as well hike…although the difference in pain was very significant. I was cruel in my treatment of myself.
It took a long time to see this resistance and feel the sadness of having an ongoing battle with myself…how could that ever be won? How would I ever benefit from disrespecting myself? And it is disrespectful to ignore reality, whatever that may be. I don’t benefit from fighting the way things are with my body, friendships, work…my life. There is no reason to beat myself up over things I have no control over…like fibromyalgia, arthritis, degenerative disc disease…to really experience my life I need to open my eyes and my heart to control the things I can, release the things I can’t and have wisdom to know the difference…please.
Kai Raines 