I was reading Anne Lamott’s book, Hallelujah Anyway, and in it she described an ancient Chinese custom of decorating the cracks or imperfections in a precious item. Instead of trying to hide the crack or blemish they would highlight it with gold leaf. Their belief was that to cover up or hide the crack dishonored the item. The crack became more prominent with the gold leaf and demonstrated that even though it had been damaged, and was not the same, it still had value…value enough to restore it.
Pink, my favorite singer, named her last album “Beautiful Trauma”. I saw her interviewed when she was asked how she chose the name of the album. Pink said that her husband has a lot of scars and that those scars are a part of his story…his beautiful trauma.
I have a lot of scars too…big scars. Sometimes in the summer, when I have on shorts, I notice people staring at my knees and the scars from numerous surgeries including two knee replacements. People are not very subtle in their stares either…it’s a little unnerving. I remember being taught that it isn’t polite to stare…clearly not a universal lesson.
I have a big scar all the way down my spine, from the base of my neck to my tailbone. Scars from shoulder surgery, and a gnarly scar on my elbow…only gnarly because it has been opened three times. I like to think that these scars are part of my story…my beautiful trauma. The story of how I have managed all these surgeries and all this pain since I was 12. The story of how I have succeeded in spite of surgeries and chronic pain. The story of how I have been shaped by the pain…rough edges worn off as I learned not to fight and do battle against myself…and honestly I’m still working on it…on not resisting what already is.
I am not my pain but I have been molded by it. I have been changed because of it and I have grown in relationship to it. Changed in my ability to empathize and give compassion to others in pain…physical as well as emotional. Molded by the presence of this uninvited, and frequently unwelcome, companion in my life. Stretched to let go of a search for “the answer” to the pain, to make it go away, forever…there is no “answer” and that quest just frustrates me and keeps me stuck in a war with myself. Transformed by a process that taught me to allow my life to happen…to stop resisting what I don’t like or want, and instead relax and let go. When I resist, pain becomes worse and I become worse…worse in the sense that I begin to see everything as fixed and solid…I lose my ability to allow the ebb and flow of feelings, emotions, pain…life.
I continue to be transformed by this ongoing journey with chronic pain…continue to have edges rounded and smoothed as I learn to let go and fully embrace my life, including the pain. Maybe I need to buy gold leaf to highlight the imperfections that have shaped who I am and to remind myself that I have value enough, and am precious enough, to be restored…big ass scars and all.
Kai Raines 