The Bionic Woman

So here’s the thing….I’m getting ready to have surgery on my elbow in 9 days. I had an elbow replacement 3 years ago and now I need a revision because it’s loose….so depressing. I am happy to know the cause of all the pain just not thrilled with the solution.

A couple years ago I had the Bionic Man theme song as my ringtone. I thought it was funny and I joked that I was the Bionic Woman (probably dating myself with that reference). But the Bionic woman could jump super high and run crazy fast…I am made of a lot of metal but I can’t jump or run at all. I can’t even walk fast just (ask my wife ☺). I’m more like the Tin Man than the Bionic Woman…I really need my oil can to keep me going…if I only had one…that would be amazing! Wake up in pain, oil the knees…can’t bend over, oil the back, elbow gets stuck, oil it up…then start running!

So now this is REALLY the thing…I get afraid to tell people that I’m having surgery. I have had a lot of surgery in my life…two knee replacements, most of my back is fused, a torn rotator cuff repair, and soon to be two elbow replacements…just to name a few. In the past year and a half I have had two major back surgeries and three elbow surgeries. So now when I tell people I’m having surgery some of them will laugh and say hurtful shit like “Not again!” “What did you do now?!” or my favorite “Do you get a discount with this one?” Hahaha…yes it was buy two get one free.

So first of all, none of this is the least bit funny. I don’t have surgery for entertainment…oh I’m bored today I think I’ll have my skin, muscles, and tendons cut open and my bones sawed…yep, I won’t be bored then…sometimes people are ridiculous. It’s so hurtful to have someone I consider close to me respond with laughter and feel as if they can make a joke out of my pain…out of me. People close to me know how I struggle with all of this pain… and I am not a joke. I was surprised I needed surgery too but not in the way that feels so demeaning and small. The good news is that those people seem to fall away and out of my life…I guess because they never belonged in my life.

There is room for compassion here, of course. Some people laugh and joke because they don’t know what to say and I get that. If for the briefest moment you can imagine how you would feel if this was you then I am certain an “I’m sorry”, “That’s hard,” or the always good “I don’t know what to say” would come to mind. You may feel an urgent need to respond to news like this but there is no urgency…compassion is more important than speed…kindness matters more than being funny. This is true for any pain, not just physical. How often do we avoid people struggling in their lives because we don’t know what to say? Or because their pain makes us uncomfortable? Compassion for a person in pain is more important than easing my own discomfort.

I can also help by sharing my feelings instead of expecting people to just know…”if you love me you’ll know how I feel”…such an unfair belief. It was my effort to share my feelings and sense of loss about my elbow replacement that led me to write this poem entitled “Bionic Woman” the day before I had my first elbow replacement in 2016 (no need to share my feelings too soon). With my surgery looming before me it has been on my mind and so I wanted to share it with you.

Parts being replaced
Metal Knees
Metal Back
Metal Elbow
Strange to refer to myself as parts
They are part of me
But they aren’t me
If all the parts get replaced
Am I still me?

What does it mean to have less of me inside of me?
Am I the bionic version of myself…without the super speed and strength?
What does it mean if bones just wear away…almost dissolve?
Will I disappear?
What happens when none of the original me is left?

Any time I feel pain I am afraid
Terrified another joint is gone
Disintegrating inside of me
Sometimes it’s so much it seems like a joke…a really bad joke
Without metal I’d be mush

I’m grateful and sad
I don’t know if losing parts of me
Is really losing parts of me
How do I teach what I can’t learn?

Maybe the learning
Is just seeing what I once refused to see
Maybe there is no answer
It’s just being able to look at the questions
If I can’t sit with them, I can take 5 breaths with them
30 seconds of total presence
With what frightens me the most
Maybe that is the learning
And the teaching

© Karen Raines 2016